"Class of 86" - Brad Jones' Masturbatorial Book Debut

[RedLine]

You think we are going to get Fallout-style feral ghouls after the bombing?

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
Part Two
Chapter 8: State of the Union
or Fast Times at Nuke Em High
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs


Ten years later.

The war. The first nuclear war in the history of this world, the war that lasted for only two days: they dropped a bomb on the US, and the US dropped a bomb on them, and one or two minor players dropped one or two minor crappy homemade nukes too, not to be left out, and then all sides realized immediately that doing so had been a very bad, sorely lacking in intelligence and foresight, idea. But it was, of course, too late. Typical. Cities fell, and when the cities fell, civilizations crumbled. At first, the people lost their homes, their dreams, and any normalcy in their day-to-day lives. Cities that were now massive garbage dumps of bodies and rubble became their new normal. Fields of grass and corn became scorched deserts. There was nothing left on the planet with which to live a normal life, and precious few people and animals, except for those who continued to survive, not just the lingering effects of nukes, but the lingering effects of scarcity and deprivation. Every day was a fight for survival, and a fight to hold onto their memories of the world that once was: the world before that graduation summer.

Uh, the planet is devastated and civilization is in ruins over a single nuke by each side and a few by other nations? Uh, ok.

With the fall of governments and major requirements of civilized life like a national currency, violence became a way of life, and the only thing to stop it wasn't a police or security force, but by individuals fighting back. The people fended for themselves and took what they could to eat.

The new currency was bullets - literally, not metaphorically, just to be clear.

The climate itself became their worst enemy as more survivors sickened or lost their minds. Every thirteen days, the skies grew orange, and the ever-passing green clouds rained down floods of acid, causing people to flock to the underground human and animal shelters until it was safe to return to the surface.

I'm not even going to question it. Still more believable than Lindsey's psuedo-science she copy and pasted from the internet.

This was life. And the year was AA10. (After Apocalypse, year ten).

The skies were yellow and winds blew sand everywhere on the outskirts of Laura's hometown. Where'd the sand come from, Brad? No, no. This is schlock not serious scifi, I have to stop. At least we're finally into the post apocalypse.

Diana's hair was much shorter than it had been in high school and spiked on top. She had a thin black bandana tied around her head, and, still stuck in the ’80s, she wore a white off-shoulder sweatshirt, and black spandex pants, as if she was an extra in Flashdance. Even with the heat, she still wanted to retain some form of style, even outdated style. She also wore a holster belt that carried a .45.

Bitching!

The rest of their group, the same group from high school, all members intact, was standing alongside the dirt road. They were even standing next to their same high school van, only time has changed the van, and it is now dirtier, and graffitied. They always leave some of the group close to the van so that no one would think it's abandoned, and so that any passersby would know the people who own it are severely armed.

OK, they're all armed and dressed kinda punky. Lexi and Bryce have matching spiked hair. I'm not going to go through all of them. But to give you an idea...

Kurt carried a pump action shotgun. His long, curly hair had been shaved to show a skull tattoo on the back of his scalp. He also sported a perpetual five-o'clock shadow. One thing did remain the same, as he still had his high school uniform: black leather jacket, black jeans, and ripped heavy metal t-shirt.

Oh, and they are all sporting Ray Ban sunglasses, like Tom Cruise wore in Risky Business.

Bryce started up the car and pushed an unmarked cassette tape into a boom box that sat in between Bryce and Lexi. Timbuk3’s "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades" began to play as they sped off down the dirt-road highway.

Brad, yes, cassette tapes. I guess the modernity of the movie you're plagiarizing now has caught up to actual 1986.

Glad to know that ten years after sand dunes cover everything, there's still usable gasoline. But I'll give it a pass as this very thing bothers me while watching shows even like The Walking Dead.

They argue what kind of booze to get with some extra bullets they found on a skeleton. Side note: while ammo would be logical to be used as currency after civilization has fallen, I've seen “experts” actually say it will be alcohol as a main currency. Easier to replenish I suppose. Then again you'd use booze to buy bullets, so fair play.

Vic, however, was still being conservative with the amount of bullets they could use to get drinks. "Hey baby, how much ammo do we have? Check the bag."
Diana reached down on the floor and picked up a beat-up little lunch box. She opened it up to look inside. "For spending we have about thirty bullets, and the rest is for emergencies."

Enough for two bottles. Laura is more concerned with finding somewhere to lie down and enjoy the air. Of yellow skies, and sand swept winds?

"Well, I think that we can probably make our own clouds back here, what do you think?" Kurt asked as he grabbed Lilith to pull her closer to his chest, as if the two were about to have sex in the van, with all of them there, just like the old days.

There it is.

Lexi sees something in the road and screams for them to stop!

There was a small clump in the road, completely covered in dirt, almost like a makeshift, above-ground grave. "What the hell is that?" asked Lilith.

It was a dead kid with maggots crawling on its face. They searched the body. No bullets found.

End of a short chapter.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

You know, maybe he should've alternated between the past and present chapters. We already know the apocalypse is gonna happen, so he might as well show more of that desolate world to keep people engaged. But I guess that's not how they do this sort of thing in his favorite movies.

[RedLine]

Glad to know that ten years after sand dunes cover everything, there's still usable gasoline

I am certain Brad (and most other post-apocalyptic media) didn't think about it but if it were a diesel then it could run on a wider variety of fuel sources. A gasoline vehicle could also be modified to run on natural gas or propane (which stores much longer). Or to run on alcohol, but from the context of the chapter that didn't happen here. Also with the world (?) being covered by sand dunes it would be hard to find materials to do at-home distilling or refining.

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
Chapter 9: Two Tribes
Or Everybody Was Nuke Fu Fighting
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs

Opening paragraph. Not bad. I think his writing gets better as the book goes along.

While there are some survivors and vehicles and weapons that have survived the last decade, one thing that definitely still stands strong and proud are the bars. Jack's Bar is one of the filthiest places one could imagine, but it also feels like home and is a pretty safe place for anyone that enters. Jack's sat on the side of the road on the desert highway, with the windows mostly, but hastily, boarded up, so that beams of sunlight could still come in through all of the holes and cracks. It was a good bar. Homey.

Some bikers, a couple of passed out fatties, and, as Brad describes him “The bartender, a scruffy-looking man with great hair and a frizzy beard looked like he wouldn't have to change anything about his features to be a bartender in an old west saloon.”

They order a bottle of Tequilla and a bottle of Jack Daniels. And as they are about to leave someone shouts out to them.

Mullet Rod. Now Mohawk Rod. Yes! LOL.

"Why are you all dressed like that?" Rod laughed, looking them all up and down. "Do you know how hot it is out there?"

FYI Rod is wearing a jersey t-shirt and track shorts.

Kurt and Rod start bickering as Rod's biker buddies back him up.

Rod pointed back to his biker friends with his thumbs. "Seems like my friends want to shoot the shit too. Is your gang still down for doing the same?" Rod's gang all reached to pull out switchblades at the same time, like they were the switchblade Rockettes or something.

These descriptions are dumb, but kind of funny.

Psycho Lexi (remember she's the one that wanted to kill Nerd over a paper) gets mad at Bryce for wanting to leave.

"You're a pussy," she fired back.
"You tell him, girlfriend," Rod laughed at Lexi and Bryce's exchange.
This made Lexi channel all of her anger back at Rod. "Go suck a dog's shiny pointed cock."

Fan, shit has just been thrown at you. So, a bar brawl, except Laura and Vic are outside.

Diana and Vic reclined on top of the van, her head in his lap, as they both stared up at the yellow sky. The boom box inside of the van began playing Nena’s "99 Luftballoons."

For anyone not knowing, that song was about balloons setting off missile radar alarms and starting WWIII. I'll give Brad credit for not over explaining things. These Easter Eggs are a nice youch, I guess.

As they kiss the bar doors burst open and the Scooby Gang run for the van. Rod and the bikers chase in a LeBaron convertible. Not sure why the bikers didn't, you know, ride their bikes, but fuck it.

Cue car chase with 99 Red Balloons blaring.

Kurt reached below the seat to pull out the guns. "Get the emergency ammo out!" he yelled to Diana.
Lilith reached below her seat too to pull out her M16.
"There's no time for that," she said, handing Kurt her gun. "Use this. It has about two shots in it, you can blow his fucking nuts off."
Kurt took the gun from her, smiled and gave her a quick kiss.
"Fucking macho mother fucker," she told him.

HAHAHA!

Lilith gets the shotgun. But Kurt has blood running in his eyes, so Laura takes the M16.
Just realized something.

Kurt was still having trouble getting a shot off since the blood was still dripping from his forehead and into his eyes.

Note: "still having trouble getting a shot off." This was his first attempt. I think this part may have been heavily edited.

"I'm going to fucking run them off the road!" Rod screamed. "We're going to nail their hands to the fucking sand and let the wolves feast off of their fucking flesh!"

Wolves? In a desert?

Lilith explodes one of the biker's head open with a shotgun blast. Laura takes out a tire. Mohawk Rod drives into a ditch. Well that was over quick. Brad in an interview said he had trouble writing action, and was much better at dialog.

Diana wasn't quite as happy to join in on Kurt's joy. "You know he's going to slice our asses to pieces now, right?

Yep. Better with the dialog.

Lilith attends to Kurt's forehead wound. He lights up a cigarette. Ten years of desolation, but the cigarettes survived.

When we were wrestling around with those fucking Muppet Babies, I managed to snag this off of one of them." He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled up a case which contained about ten rolled-up joints.

Oh, and weed. I'm guessing they also have an ample supply of munchies too, as there's been no mention of food, or how they've been surviving. Also, the gas tank in the van seems to be magical with infinite fuel.

End of chapter.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Also with the world (?) being covered by sand dunes it would be hard to find materials to do at-home distilling or refining.

The rest of the world is always ignored or assumed to be FUBAR as well in these settings. NO one wants to see Mad Max getting surrounded by Chinese soldiers.

Mullet Rod. Now Mohawk Rod. Yes! LOL.

Did anyone actually die during the apocalypse?

The boom box inside of the van began playing Nena’s "99 Luftballoons."

Did he really write it like that? It's "Ballon", not "balloon". This outrageous case of reverse Denglisch shall not go unpunished.

[pibbs]

I copy and paste his passages, so what you see, is what he wrote.

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
Chapter 10: Two Suns in the Sunset
Or Er'body's Fuckn!
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs

They're camped out in a field mellowing from their highs around a nice campfire with four tents up. Their boom box plays “Everyone Wants to Rule the World.” They discuss the color of the sky and what color animals might see. They ponder what futures they would have had if the bombs hadn't dropped. Blah, blah, blah.

Oh, and some religious shit thrown in for good measure.

"Have you lost your faith?" asked Lexi.
"I figure if all that religious shit were true, the Anti-Christ would make his grand appearance by now."
"Wasn't Hitler the Anti-Christ?" asked Bryce.
"The world does not need another Hitler," stated Vic, very matter of factly. "But," Bryce pointed his finger like he had a revelation, "if there were another Hitler who would be the Anti-Christ, that could possible mean that Christ himself was coming back.
"Christ isn't coming back." Kurt stood up to stretch his arms and legs, feeling tired. "He's a fucking sadist. The world now is a half hour sitcom, and it just got picked up for another five seasons. The material never gets old for that other fucker."

$10 says Brad has had this exact conversation while high.

Everyone retires to their tents for some fucking.

Once fully inside, Lilith backed away from him, smiling, and sat up on the sheets, removing her gun belt. In one tug, she also slid off her spandex body suit, but kept on her bandana.
Kurt moved in closer on his hands and knees and began to gnaw at her inner thigh as she took off his jacket and then leaned back.

Except Psycho Lexi and Bryce don't seem to be a couple. He's passed out, and she goes for a walk. Laura and Vic on the other hand...

Diana backed away from his neck and looked him seductively in the eyes. She then took off her shirt, and there was no bra underneath. Vic grabbed one of her breasts and began to squeeze it slowly. He moved in closer and started sucking on her nipple, causing Diana to close her eyes and moan for just a little bit.

Lilith rides on top, but Laura is bottom girl. Turns out Bryce followed Lexi down to the lake (where are the sand dunes and desert?) He tells her they should have been a couple because they have more in common.

Lexi looked him in the eyes, and just as soon as she was going to insult him again, she let out a sigh like she didn't have the energy for an argument. "Fuck it," she said, pulling Bryce closer and kissing him on the lips.

The crazy ones are great lays. But no. They both pass out next to each other. Lame.

"We also have this same conversation every month, and you still never remember, you putz."
Lovingly though, she smiled at him, as she knelt down to lay next to him and also pass out.

In the morning Lexi is in a panic and wakes everyone. Oh no! They forgot to track the days, as this is the 13th day and the acid rains are coming. Just look at that bright orange sky and green clouds!

They head to the nearest shelter, but it might be overbooked.

End of chapter.

These chapters have gotten really short.

[RedLine]

Hopefully the characters have sex some more.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

I like how much 10 years of post-apocalyptic wasteland survival have shaped their personalities as opposed to their innocent stupid teenager days.