NCunt: Black Cocks Only

[Guest]

Wait til you read what I'm cooking up

Can't wait to contribute to the DHI literature anthology (edited by GitGud).

[Rushy]

Wait til you read what I'm cooking up

It's just going to read like a documentary of Asalieri's visit to the furry convention. Likely less sexual as the publisher wouldn't allow it.

First rule of successful writing, my friend - make everything seem like there's gonna be porn riiiiiight around the corner. And then, at the end... I don't know yet, I'll get back to you when JJ Abrams calls me back.

[pibbs]

Truth of the Divine by Best Selling HotDog Girl. Lindsay Ellis
Chapter 4: Absolute Shit
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

Chapter starts with this shit

SpoilerShow

PRESS RELEASES
HOME | NEWS | PRESS RELEASES
January 18, 2008
HOUSE COMMITTEE JOINS JANO MIRANDA
TO TALK “PERSONHOOD THIRD OPTION”
WASHINGTON-The House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology Chair Carolyn Wang (D-WA) and Vice Chair Ryan Mellin (R-GA) joined Jano Miranda of the Aristotle Institute for Human Rights to discuss the Select Committee’s work. Established in 2007 as part of Hillsdale College, the Aristotle Institute is committed to “combining philosophy and technology to create a constructive debate and authentic dialogue in order to meaningfully outline what it means to be human, and how we should define personhood in the 21 st Century.”
The Chair and Vice Chair spoke about options regarding the potential legal status of autonomous extraterrestrial intelligences, and the recent recommendations outlining a special set of legal standing and personhood rights for potential nonhuman intelligences as they might differ from rights for humans.

As with all women, complete attention and devotion still doesn't satisfy them. Unknowingly, Lindsay is proving that feminism, and treating women in business and voting as equals was a mistake.

It had been a couple of weeks, and what was at first exciting had become routine.

So he would come over every night, and stay until she fell asleep. She would bable on and on, and he would answer her inane questioning about the (and I quote) “life, the universe, and everything...”

Fuck you Lindsay. Don't quote Douglas Adams. You're not in the same league as Douglas Adams, not even close. You're not clever nor funny. And it's out of place in your stupid space-raptor non-sex porn fantasy.

Then she proves my point with idiotic string of words.

It felt like a relationship. A friendship form of relationship, of course. A friendship-relationship. Yes.

What the FUCK are you talking about?! A friendship IS a relationship, you drunken, vapid WHORE! Lindsay is so stupid. Friendship-relationship. Unbelievable.

BTW, this was just the first half page of the chapter.

He had her all but pinned up next to the wall as he always did, his body on one side of her and one hand on the other. She glanced at that hand, arguably the most alien thing about him, mere inches from her face, and once again was struck by the thought that this was not normal, and she really should not be okay with this.

This is Lindsay's insecurity again. She is highlighting, putting in bold, and undelining, that her character isn't the same ilk as a furry, and this isn't about sex.

Then she slaps this into the same paragraph.

The four digits on the top were structured more like human fingers, with the two on the bottom on either side; the “thumbs” bore a striking resemblance to the forelimbs of a spider. His fingers weren’t attached with dozens of metacarpals but seemed to her more like hydraulics attached at a ball joint, held together up to the “knuckles” with a film that looked like a layer of skin rather than a meaty palm as seen in humans. It should be horrifying, but it wasn’t. Maybe humans could get used to anything with enough time.

I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it: no editor was involved in this “book.”

Anyway, & insists that after weeks, she will sleep without sedatives. Cora needs her sedatives. She no wanting nightmares. & is like, “Nah.”

”Sleep now, dear one. ”
She felt a warmth in her chest at the sound of his pet name for her, what he called a hypocorism.

Cringe writing.

And again...

She nodded and closed her eyes. What the hell was wrong with her? She was half-naked in bed with a thousand-year-old (or 650-year-old, depending on how you measured time), eight-and-a-half-foot-tall alien cyborg, and the thing she was afraid of in this situation was the act of going to sleep ?

“I'm NOT writing raptor porn, guys!”
Cora insists & wake her up if she starts to have a nightmare. Like if he notices her spazzing like my dog when she sleeps?

“ I will, my dearest. ”
Her heart did a little flip. My dearest!

God.

This shit gets mind-numbingly dull. Look at this shit.

From what she could tell, amygdaline names were less “names” as humans conceived them so much as labels that had to do with one’s relationship to the speaker and were very tied in with their caste system. One wasn’t addressed as “Steve” or “Karen,” so much as “Mom” or “bro” or “ senpai. ” At first, Ampersand had addressed her with an impersonal “ you ” or “ interpreter ,” but after the dynamic fusion bonding, it was “ dear one. ” Was “ my dearest ” an upgrade?

And another.

She felt the impulse to respond, “I love you,” because it was true. She had come to terms with that by now— love was the word for it, as it would be for any friend, only this friend happened not to be human. This was Aristotle’s philia , a dispassionate virtuous love of function. Not of passion, never of passion. But she knew he wouldn’t return the sentiment, at least not verbally, and that would ruin the moment. Instead, she closed her eyes and said, “Thank you.”
There was no shame in this. No, people would not understand, but they didn’t know and did not need to.

We get it already Lindsay. How many times are you going to beat this horse in this chapter alone?

Answer: At least once more.

After all, it wasn’t like they were fucking.

“Guys do you get it? This ain't no fetish porn! It ain't! It ain't. I say! I'm too good to stoop that low!”

It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

*record scratch

Say what now?

Her eyes shot open at the thought, a thought she had been trying really very hard not to have. But really, it was just a thought, not a terrible one, it wasn’t like they were going to act on it. The thought didn’t send any warm flush between her legs, didn’t make her cheeks grow hot.
But still, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
How would that even work?

I think I know what she's doing here. See, Lindsay's whole schtick is that she's smarter and better than you. So, she's not going to write fetish porn(because that's low brow), but at the same time she's not going to shame those inclinations (because she's a degenerate). So, she's a “serious” writer and gets to virtue signal at the same time. See? She's just so fucking clever.

Except she wrote a terrible, terrible book. Uh, two actually.

What follows I have to copy and paste uniterrupted. I'm putting it in a spoiler tag to save space, but seriously, read this shit.

SpoilerShow

Humans are inventive. You’ve said it yourself. Humans will fuck anything.
This thought should be revolting, but now that she was beginning to humor it, she couldn’t help but think, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. He’d be gentle, he’d be considerate, he’d likely be a quick study. Unlike Bill or Frank or Chad, he wouldn’t use her, he wouldn’t be centering his own pleasure.
Brain, brain, please, I am begging you, stop these thoughts please stop stop stop.
It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Where the hell are these thoughts coming from?
“ You are agitated. ”
“No . . .” Her lie was so bad, even a space alien wouldn’t be convinced by it.
“ You are anxious. ”
Okay. Strange how speaking for him and effectively being the diplomat for his words hadn’t made speaking diplomatically to him any easier. “I’m just thinking about, um . . .”
Getting fucked by a space monster.
She winced. “You’re not doing anything wrong, I’m not made uncomfortable by you , but the idea of . . .” She dared a glimpse down her body, how close they were, the way his arm had her tucked near him like she was an egg he was incubating. “Someone seeing us like this. I don’t think they’d understand. I guess I have some shame at the idea.”
“ I understand.

And & has shame as well.

HAHAHAHA!!!

He desires Cora!

HAHAHAHA!!!! I would be ashamed of that too! This is shit.

“ I desire to know you. ”
“Oh,” she said, relaxing a little. “You mean . . . high language?”
“ Yes. I desire to know you. You are a natural, an alien, an animal, but you are my symphyle all the same. ”
She let a breath out. Okay, not that kind of desire, not in the human sense.

Then a running narrative of psuedo, alien techno-babble about & and their language. But something, something about “high language.”

I scanned this rediculous shit. Read it if you want.

SpoilerShow

High language isn’t truly a language at all. A language is a medium, and medium is the only way humans have to communicate ideas. Spoken language is a medium, written language is a medium, music is a medium. High language is the absence of medium. ”
“I don’t think I understand.”
“ A medium is not an idea. A medium is a means to communicate an idea. It is an interpretation of ideas, of concepts, of your lived experience. But through high language, my consciousness experiences your consciousness as you experience it, and vice versa. There is no medium.

Just say psychically linked, you fucking hack. This shit is tedious and boring to read. It's obvious you're trying to tip toe around the scifi tropes by inventing a new way to say something that's familiar in the genre, just so YOU can feel like you're more clever than other writers. Tropes exist for a reason.

Then rambling boring prose exploring Cora's insecurities.

“...she had feared that he could actually read her mind,..”

“But in this context, the idea that he’d actually thought about it, on some level wanted it, horrified her.”

"What could possibly disgust him more than truly knowing what it was like to be human? To exist inside her human body? To actually know her evil impulses, her sprawling self-loathing, her disdain for her coworkers, her embarrassing attempts at songwriting, the weird shit she (used to) masturbate to? Perhaps he had a desire to know her as a result of dynamic fusion bonding, but that didn’t mean he really wanted it."

Why won't this chapter end?

“Why is that a source of shame?”
“ It is the product of a diseased mind. ”
She relaxed her posture, confused, and looked up at him. “You mean me?”
“ My mind. ”
“What do you mean?”
“ My brain is damaged, as is yours, but mine far worse, irreparable in many regards.

Lindsay can relate.

“I . . .” There was a part of her that was offended. He categorized his decision to bind himself to her as the product of a sick mind?
“ We are different species. It is perverse. It is bestial. ”
There it was, the word she’d been avoiding. She pressed her cheek into the nape of his neck. Bestial.

Did Lindsay watch that movie about the woman fucking the fish man (the one by Guillermo Del Toro that won an Oscar) and get inspired? I don't know why anyone felt this needed to be explored in a silly fiction book.

Something about they are unable to “high language”. Don't care.

“At least we can’t act on these . . . desires,” she whispered. “Maybe that’s for the best.”
She tried to relax and go to sleep, tried to reassure herself of what felt like something of a consensus—that these thoughts were okay to have, because it wasn’t like they could be acted on, anyway. It was for the best. But even so, as she began to doze, she got the sense that that wasn’t what he wanted her to say.

Mercifully, end of the chapter.

[rabidtictac]

Why do people with no talent insist on being prolific? No really, it's ok if you take 10 years between these books, Lindsay. I won't mind at all.

She relaxed her posture, confused, and looked up at him

"You can't have your characters just announce how they're feeling! That makes me feel angry!"

She nodded and closed her eyes. What the hell was wrong with her? She was half-naked in bed with a thousand-year-old (or 650-year-old, depending on how you measured time), eight-and-a-half-foot-tall alien cyborg,

Sentences like these are why you will never be a good or even decent writer, Lindsay. What the fuck is this? How the fuck did any editor on the planet not cross this shit out with the world's biggest red marker and write "F-minus" on your forehead in black sharpie? This is fucking cringe!

Go read some goddamn Nora Roberts. Even the smut peddlers for women can write better smut than this garbage. This is fanfiction.net lemon -level.

I can't read more than tiny selections of these awful novels, because they fill me with irrational hatred. Never has there been a better example of literary Dunning-Kruger than Lindsay with her "novels." You can tell from a casual glance that these were not sentences the writer agonized over, phrasing them this way and that, trying to find the most optimal method for communicating their artistic vision. No. This is slop. It reads like a first draft, and a bad one. Editing is about so much more than spell check.

There was a part of her that was offended

Yeah, every part. It's called being Lindsay Ellis. That's how I know this character is a mary sue.

Getting fucked by a space monster.

Lindsay wants to write tentacle hentai but has been mindcucked by feminism into believing her disgusting fetishes are wrong. Lindsay, I would respect you more if you wrote 600 pages of explicit space monster porn with no purple prose (just purple tentacle dicks.)

[pibbs]

Truth of the Divine by Best Selling HotDog Girl. Lindsay Ellis
Chapter 5: Office Spaced
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

We are on Chapter 5. CHAPTER 5 and nothing, NOTHING HAS HAPPENEd!!! According to my ebook reader, we're 10% done!

Anyway,

Cora got the email for an all-hands meeting that morning at around 4:30— “ETI LEGAL STATUS CONGRESSIONAL INQUIRY.” She had known this was coming for months, as had everyone at ROSA,

I'm so bored.

It had been first pitched by a law professor named Jano Miranda, a young constitutional lawyer with a gift for public speaking. The Third Option, a proposed law that would create an entirely new category of personhood, led to the creation of the nascent Third Party, a bipartisan.... blah, blah, blah.

As exciting as senate procedures in A Phantom Menace.

A congressman is leading up hearings. A real contender to win against Cheney. (where the fuck is Obama?)

Todd Julian, the junior senator from Illinois. A libertarian-minded sort...

Uh huh.

Cora coaxes & to the big meeting. Lots of Generals and military types. Surprisingly (for some reason it's surprising), Esperas and the remaining retarded aliens are there. And OH NO! The Similar Brako is there!

Who the fuck is Brako? Meh, I don't remember. Apparently, this is a great breach of trust and moody & would never agree to another meeting.

Who is Brako, again? Fuck it. The meeting is about to start, Cora's aunt Lucianna asks the raptors if they understand that their personhood will be determined. Yes.

& just repeats that he wasn't told that they would be here.

Esperas spoke, and the flat-screen translated:
[My stance remains one of noninvolvement. The humans will choose laws which are best for them. I do not seek to sway your lawmakers one way or the other.]
“Okay,” said Sol, looking at Cora. “Rebuttal?”
“ I was not told Esperas would be here. He can see the disease.

Zzzzz.

She’d never seen Ampersand like this, never felt his emotions so thoroughly override his self-control. She tried to stay focused, but she was having a hard time staying put together herself. He wasn’t answering Sol’s questions, so it was on her to come up with an answer.
“Scio feels that, among other things, he should have the right to control his own space. The problem with the Third Option is that it would preclude, among other things, the ability to own property, the ability to control wealth, the ability to participate in any kind of civic activity. He’d effectively have to have a human chaperone in order to stay within the United States, and if the United States decides that’s how to deal with ETIs, most other countries will follow suit.”
“So he opposes the Third Option.”
“Correct.”

At this point I'm mostly quoting, because I'm too disinterested to comment.
So, the debate begins. Cora notices with alarm that & is slightly swaying; an inch to the left, then an inch to the right. She must get him out of here.

They debate giving them proper names. *eyes rolling

Christopher Goodman in a country with a history of forcing the indigenous people to adopt ‘Christian’ names in order to appear more ‘civilized.’

Just stop.

& is still freaking out.

They can see. I can’t sleep. The Similar will find us. They will not suffer my disease. They will kill us.

Doubtful. Lindsay has a trilogy planned.

“But anything else is going to stick out, too,” said Luciana. “African names, Indian names, that’s appropriation. Chinese names, that’s—”
“Fallen American Empire,” said Sol. “Bad idea. Anything that ‘sounds’ foreign to WASPy American ears is a bad idea.”
“ I can’t sleep. They will find us. They will kill us. ”

This is what Lindsay's circles consider “profound.”

Cora starts to sway too.

“Esperanto is completely based on European languages. It was invented by a Polish man.”
“ They can see, they can see my disease. ”
“How about Xethorp?” chuckled Sol. He was the only one laughing.

So, they keep babbling like this. Guys, this writing is so bad. FINALLY, something happens!

Two of the aliens Cora coined (with racists Jew names BTW) Woodward and Bernstein cry out ASYLUM!

That was when all hell broke loose. Ampersand swayed so hard he nearly hit the wall. Every human in the room started talking over each other at once. Esperas and Brako turned their attention from Ampersand to the two propagandists, who broke away from the rest of the underlings. The pair moved to the other side of the room, catty-corner from Esperas and Brako, who were bobbing their heads in bewilderment. More Pequod-phonemic screeching, loud Pequod-phonemic screeching:
[ASYLUM. ASYLUM. ASYLUM. ASYLUM.]

Woodward and Bernstein are rebelling. They want to cast off their castes.

[ASYLUM. ASYLUM. ASYLUM. ASYLUM.]

Stevie (forgot who that was, don't care) rushed the two out the nearest door. & stumbles and falls to the floor.

[ASYLUM. ASYLUM. ASYLUM. ASYLUM.]

Cora tries to help him up, but he weighs a ton.

[ASYLUM. ASYLUM. ASYLUM. ASYLUM.]

I'm not gratuitously added those ASYLUM quotes. They're in there every 3rd or 4th sentence. Woodward and Bernstein are ushered out into the hall.

Brako and Esperas turned their attention to Ampersand. Esperas moved behind Brako, and spoke:
[That one is diseased. That one is dangerous.]

Cora strugges to get & up and out the door. Brako makes a move towards them, but is thrown back by an invisible shield. He goes through the drywall. Cora and & stumble down the hallway. & is goofy in the head but tries to go invisible.

as Cora dragged him down the hall, bewildered humans gawping as patches of his body slipped in and out of invisibility, sliding all over him like splotches of paint.

Like a PUR painting. BTW, as of posting this, Lindsay hasn't tweeted anything in a week. Embarrassed that this masterpiece has flopped?

Cora gets them to &'s “lair” and uses a transport disc. And with ALL the places in the word they could go, Cora chooses the shitty bedroom in her shitty apartment.

“Come on, it’s okay,” she said. “Get on the bed, it’s okay.”
He did as she said, but only just. He didn’t pull into his neat little roost like he usually did, but instead sprawled, curled away from her like an injured falcon backed into a corner, ready for a fight. His massive consciousness, the half-organic thing that controlled the unfathomably complicated machine of his body, had utterly collapsed in on itself.

Anywho, & forgets himself and becomes afraid of the “Monster. Flesh-eater. Pugilist. Militarist. Flesh-eater. Don’t eat me, don’t eat me, don’t eat me!”

She tells him it's ok. She's ok. Now go to sleep. He don't wanna sleep. Too many dangers. They'll kill him. Cora will protect you! HAHAHAHA!!! Dude, is in trouble then.

And then.... Cora sings “Hey Jude.”

Fuck. This. Book.

He didn’t understand music, not really. Even the meaning of most lyrics was lost on him, but it wasn’t really meant for him; it soothed her, it helped her be the flotation device he could latch onto.
It took her several hours, the involvement of her guitar, and several repetitions of the Beatles’ kindest and gentlest repertoire, but eventually, she convinced him to sleep.

See? Now I like it when something actually happens. It's so bad it's entertaining. Up till now, it was just bad and boring.

So & falls alsleep and Cora senses a disconnect. And with that, the dull thrum of terror she's had for months slipped away. FOR YOU SEE, it was not Cora's terrror, but HIS!!!!

DUN DUN DUUUUNNNN!!!!

Of course. That explains how a strong indie womyn can be all fucked up. It was A MAN!

All this time, she had been worried about how her post-traumatic symptoms were affecting him, it had never occurred to her that it might work the other way around. How much of her symptoms came from him?
No, not all of it. Not even most of it, that much she could tell. The feeling of being out of place in her own body, the body that had betrayed her by giving into such violence when Obelus had skewered her, that trauma belonged to her. But that wasn’t all there was to it.

She's got to get them out of there before the other raptors find them. THEN whay didn't you use the disc for that?!

And if Ampersand were to ask for asylum in another country, maybe the Americans would stop being such dicks about the extending-human-rights issue here.

So, who does commie Lindsay thinks is a better place than 'Merica? Europe? China? Africa? The more woke place to think up the better, I'm betting.

But that's for another chapter.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

So, who does commie Lindsay thinks is a better place than 'Merica? Europe? China? Africa? The more woke place to think up the better, I'm betting.

Probably Canada, though I hope it'll be Sweden or some other European country which she no doubt won't have done actual research on.

Why do people with no talent insist on being prolific?

Money. Plus that ego boost they get when they can brag about the amount of books they have written.

[Newhalf]

pibbs here might be the only person to actually read this trash from cover to cover.
I'd be embarrassed to have written this even if for my eyes only and here she goes actually publishing it.
I'm not sure if it's just the first draft tho.
Might be the real first draft was the same but with sex scenes that she then edited out (that being the only editing she did).

[Le Redditeur]

>Hey Jude starts playing

Eerily appropriate. A God-awful song for a God-awful book. The worst crime Paul McCartney ever committed (besides diddling kids, like the British celebrities are ought to do).

[Guest]

The worst crime Paul McCartney ever committed

Don't worry, he paid for his crimes by marrying the gold-digging one legged horse

[pibbs]

pibbs here might be the only person to actually read this trash from cover to cover.

Haven't yet, and I'm struggling. This thing is a chore to read.