DHI Book Club:"The Secret Circle of Imaginary Friends" by Mike J

[pibbs]

Although Lindsay's "book" was a slog to get through, I enjoyed ripping it a new one. So let's do it again! Mike J has actually self-published THREE books in the past 7 years!


His first attempt (in 2013, when he still had hair) dove into middle grade fantasy, hoping to be the next Rowling, I assume.


I got this on a free download 5 years ago and never read it. I expect it to be better than "Axioms End" because Mike J doesn't seem to be up his own ass like Lindsay, but then again I'm not expecting this to be good. It is self-published after all. No, wait. It wasn't self-published at all, it was crowdfunded published. Even worse.

Kuge, no need to pin this thread. Once it's over just let it drift off to the last page of the IN board.

[Guest]

His first attempt (in 2013, when he still had hair)

I dunno, the hair on the top of his head already looks patchy and combed forward there.

[pibbs]

The Secret Circle of Imaginary Friends by Mike J(eavons)
Chapter One: Two Stupid Kids
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch


First couple of sentences.

‘Okay, okay,’ said Amie from the other side of the bedroom door. ‘But you have to be quiet. We can’t wake up Mum and Dad.’
Simon rubbed his sore eyes and propped himself up onto his elbows. He glanced over at the dull red glow of the alarm clock on his bedside table and could just make out that it was almost two o’clock in the morning.

Side note: I know it's a British thing, but mum has always bugged me. This doesn't start off with stupid shit like Lindsay's book, instead I think this is going to be a only slightly better than average for a first time self-published "writer." Not sure if this will have the same hilariously bad punch as Axiom, but let's see.

Simon was often kept awake at night by the sound of his sister muttering quietly in her bedroom. His parents thought that Amie had an imaginary friend; after all, a lot of seven-year-old girls did.

How do you know that, Mike? Study a lot of little girls, do you?. Anyway, little sis wanders out of the house in the middle of the night. She's been talking to an imaginary friend for the past three weeks, and I assume she's off to meet this imaginary friend who shockingly will turn out to be... REAL!! So, what is it? A Fairy? Demon? Unicorn? Ghost? Pedophile?

Simon goes after her.

He slipped on his trainers, grabbed his jacket and followed her.

Another Brit term that bothers me. Trainers? What are you training for? Then again the American names (sneakers, tennis shoes) aren't that good either. I hope he mentions a jumper (sweater) to finish my Brit Term Annoyance Trifecta.

The night was cool, and there was a frosty breeze

Frosty breeze? Breezes aren't frosty. No one has ever described a breeze as frosty. They're breezy. Sometimes they are light, but never frosty. Fuck it, I'm nitpicking.

Simon and his family lived in a small village outside the big towns and cities so, rather than lots of tall buildings and blaring traffic, his house and the few others around it were surrounded by miles of grass, farmers’ fields, and dense, tangled woodland.

In case you were too stupid to know that villages usually don't have tall buildings and congested traffic.

Simon, who we learn is 12, follows her down a path into the woods. Mike over-uses colorful adjectives and on almost every noun. Lindsay did this, but at least Mike has the excuse of not having a proper editor.

Simon could just make out his sister between the thick trunks of the black trees.

There's lots of description of the woods and land. Even professional writers do this. Look, I know what the fucking woods are. Stop trying to be Hemingway, and get on with it. They went into the woods at night. Boom. Done.

Somewhere deeper in the darkness an animal barked.

Now what kind of animal could that be? What animal barks? Do you know, children? Hmmm.

It sounded a lot like a fox, but it could have been a dog. Whatever it was, it was close.

NO! Those two things sound nothing alike. A fox sounds like a screeching child. No one would confuse a fox screech for a dog, city boy.

Ugh. This writing.

a distant yellow glow rose from the ground... He looked out through the maze of twisted trees... The moon must have crept behind a cloud, because the darkness swelled all around and the small straggles of white light disappeared.

I'm not sure I've ever heard the word “straggles” ever being used before. “Straggler,” yes, “straggles,” no. Not saying its not a word, or he's using it wrong, it's just such a strange and obscure word to be using in a book aimed at children.

‘Amie!’ Simon cried.... ‘Amie, can you hear me?’... ‘Amie, where are you?’ he called.

Annie are you, ok?
Are you ok, Annie?
Annie are you, ok?
Are you ok, Annie?
WOOO!

Simon loses sight of her, and freaks the fuck out. He yells for her multiple times. He trips, gets up, footsteps scurry in the fallen leaves in the dark all around him.

‘AMIE!’ he screamed and he spun around once more.
‘What?’ said Amie, who stood looking up at her brother with her stuffed bear still held tight to her chest.

LOL! I don't think he intended this to be funny, but it was.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

[CuckTurdginson]

Doesn't sound too bad, so far...at least not as bad as Lindsay's. Axiom's End went to shit pretty quickly.

[pibbs]

The Secret Circle of Imaginary Friends by Mike J(eavons)
Chapter 2: A Chapter Where Nothing Happens
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

First paragraph:

During the entire walk home Amie refused to give any reason as to where she was going. The yellow glow had gone, but the streaks of moonlight had returned to light the path home.

Oh right. In the previous chapter, Simon, (just realized how British that name is) saw a yellow glow in the dark trees. Forgot to mention that. No word on the mysterious barking animal, though. Further bulletins on that as events warrant.

Simon drags his protesting sister back home.

‘It’s not fine. Imagine if an animal found you, or some weird old bloke or something.’
‘It’s safe.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous! Of course it isn’t safe!’
‘I couldn’t help it. I was sleepwalking.’
‘Mum and Dad might think you’re sleepwalking, but you’re not, are you?’
Amie scrunched up her nose and squealed as she stumbled.

They get caught sneaking back in by their mum. Next morning, time for school. They get in the car. The siblings squabble. Description of village. Decription of neighboring village. Simon is late to class. Teacher does roll call. Teacher is giving a spelling lesson for words to be used in 18th century poetry. Some girl, Rebecca, fell asleep and is sent to headmaster's office. Next math, I mean maths, class. BTW my program thinks I misspelled “maths.” Take that Brit fags! Now lunch.
homersimpsonyellsboring.jpg

Simon had been kicking a football around with his friends Abdul and David.

Fucking immigration!

There's a rash of sleepy kids. Rebecca (Becky) and his friend Jonathon both got demerits for sleeping in class.

‘It’s nothing,’ said Jonathon.
‘It can’t be nothing. You can’t all be tired for nothing.’
‘Well, we are.’
‘You’re all tired for the same reason?’
Jonathon shrugged.

Simon retells his harrowing tale.

‘It was dark. But there was a weird yellow light and some animals making sounds.’
‘Did you see anything?’ said Jonathon.
‘No, it was too dark. Why?’
‘No reason.’
‘That’s all you seem to say! There must be a reason!’
Jonathon stood up. ‘There isn’t, okay? I’m just tired, Becky is just tired, so stop asking all of these questions. I had enough with Mr Cricklewood; I don’t need any more from you.’
‘Okay, fine,’ said Simon. He turned and ran back over to join Abdul and David.

I'd keep my eye on that fucking Abdul if I were you, Simon.

END OF CHAPTER TWO

[Le Redditeur]

Oh no no no, nothing good will come from a story set in the UK where there's an Abdul and a seven-years old little girl.

[pibbs]

The Secret Circle of Imaginary Friends by Mike J(eavons)
Chapter 3: Badgers in the Bedroom
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

Back home, Simon gets lectured about wandering out into the woods. He recounts almost falling asleep twice in afternoon classes.

Gossip had spread around the school that another three students had been sent to Mr Cricklewood’s office. None of them would give a reason why they were all so tired.

Now this would be a very interesting set up, if this were a horror/suspense story. But I just have the feeling Mike J is going to gay this up with fairies, or elves, or some shit. DHI place your bets on what the imaginary friends really are. For the record, I write this piece as I read the book, so I have no damn idea what's coming.

Simon falls asleep during family movie night. He missed the car chase. No further information on what movie it was.

Time for bed! Ugh! COME ON! Mike, writing about a normal day doesn't make for griping story-telling. DO SOMETHING!

He brushes his teeth.
Fuck you, Mike J.

Simon felt something sweep against his face. He stirred but didn’t open his eyes, and brushed whatever it was away with a lazy swipe of an arm. It was warm and quiet – not time to wake up.
He felt it again. It wasn’t something small, like a fly. It was something big, like a hand.

Uh huh. Go on, baby.

Lots of creaking of floorboards outside his room. Simon gets out of bed, and plans to snitch on his sister this time. You bitch,

Simon chose his footsteps carefully and, avoiding the creakiest of the old floorboards, stepped towards his sister’s bedroom door. He pushed it open and crept inside.

Creepy.

Simon stepped up to the bed, which was flat against the wall in the corner of the room. He could just make out the shape of his sister lying beneath the covers, moving gently as she breathed.

Uh...

Then;

There was a ruffle of movement at the base of the bed. Simon stepped back and tried to keep himself as silent as possible; the last thing he wanted to do was wake up his sister and get caught out of bed. There was another ruffle along the bedcovers, but it was further down the bed, too far for his sister’s little legs to reach. It was like there was something else there, maybe a toy, fidgeting about on top of the sheets.

He can't see anything, because it's too dark, but he hears something go thud on the floor.

There was a light breeze by Simon’s feet and the door moved just an inch. The sound of creaking floorboards came fast and loud in the hallway. Simon could feel his heart again; it was hammering against the inside of his chest like an alarm bell.

Mike, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down.

Simon follows whatever it is into the kitchen. Weird, this is how Cora first found the albino space-raptor too in “Axiom's End.” So something's fucking around in the dark and finally skitters on out of the house.

Was it a hedgehog, perhaps? Or maybe a badger. Simon saw a lot of badgers out in the country but had never heard of one running around a kitchen.

Simon steps out into the yard and very britishly clears his throat at the night stalker. This wakes up the parents. No one can clear one's throat like the english!

He darts back inside and pretends to be getting water.

END OF CHAPTER THREE

[pibbs]

The Secret Circle of Imaginary Friends by Mike J(eavons)
Chapter 4: Forrest Chump
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

Damn, I'm really getting these knocked out. Short chapters though.

Simon plays vidya games with his dad. Mike says it's a football game. We know it's FIFA, them brits loves that soccer. Faggot-assed sport.

Simon obliterates his father with a blistering defeat of 2-0!

Check out this fucking “dialogue.”

‘You know some moves that you’re not telling me. What do you press to do that thing?’
‘What thing?’
‘That thing where you spin around.’
‘I don’t know what thing you mean!’
That’s how most of their conversations went while they played, and it wound up Simon’s mum to hear them bicker.
‘You two are unbelievable!’ she would say.
‘You two are unbelievable!’ Amie would repeat.
‘Helen, tell your son to stop cheating,’ his dad always said.
‘Tell him yourself, Brian,’ she would say back.

His dad leaves town for a couple of days. For business. Simon goes outside.

Saturday. It was cold out, but that didn’t usually stop the other children who lived in the village from gathering on the green to play cricket or take part in a hectic water fight. There weren’t even any adults out; at this time of year it would be common to see people raking leaves from garden paths or giving their hedgerows one last trim before winter.

Water fight? In the cold fall air? Who the fuck does that?

Simon goes to visit his friend Ryan. He's still asleep. Ryan's sister:

Rachel was very popular with the boys in Hedgely. She was a slim girl with straight blonde hair and extremely pretty features but, because she was sixteen, she never had any patience for Ryan or his friends. She was chewing gum loudly as she leaned against the wooden doorframe.

Whore.

Simon buggers off to another friend's house.

He made his way to the next road along, where Jonathon lived. His parents had moved away the year before to work in America, but Jonathon hadn’t wanted to go, so he had moved to Hedgely to live with his grandma.

What? Are 12 year olds allowed to choose who they live with? Why this odd detail? Is the parents in America going to have a pay off later in the story? This is just weird.

But poor Jonathon is grounded because he tried to sneak off into the middle of the night. Grandma gets snippy with Jonathon.

Simon quickly grew bored of listening to their argument

That lack of self-awareness these INs are famous for.

Next to Will's house, but he's too tired to play.

He wandered back to the village green, kicking a conker along the way.

Excuse me? A what? A conker? Is that a British nigger or something?

Anyway, Simon drops down on a park bench to sort it all out.

he felt the bench move as if somebody had sat next to him. Looking around, he was still very much alone; only the distant chirp of a bird was there to keep him company. The bench dipped again, and the wood creaked slightly. Something caught Simon’s eye and he leaned in for a better look.

Someone had carved “Stop Searching” into the wood.

END OF CHAPTER 4

[Kugelfisch]

Mike has never been in the country it seems.
Foxes don't bark, hedgehogs can't climb into something of bed height and badgers are large, extremely hostile and aggressive.

Yeah yeah, it's a dumb fucking kid wondering about it, I know. But why would the fucker hear a bark and claim it sounds like a fox?
This is clearly Mike just plain not knowing shit.

I bet it's kobolds or leprechauns. Like the ones from South Park that steal socks for profit.

[pibbs]

The Secret Circle of Imaginary Friends by Mike J(eavons)
Chapter 5:Village of the Village Kids
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

First sentence:

After dinner, as Simon sat watching Saturday night television with Amie and his mum, he kept his usual thoughts (‘ this is rubbish!’) to himself

Lol! This is Mike J isn't it.

Another night, more creaky floorboards. Ok, dude, let's get on with it.
Simon checks the clock, it's nearly 3am.

‘Amie?’
‘No,’ came a hoarse reply from the hallway.
‘What are you doing?’ he said. Simon definitely didn’t recognise the voice to be that of his sister.
There was no answer.
‘Amie, what are you doing?’
‘Shhhh.’

I have to say, I think Maike J is a better writer than Lindsay. Not a good one, just better. Simon gets out of bed to investigate.

‘Get back to bed, now.’
A hoarse voice chuckled back at him. ‘No.’
Simon poked his head through the doorway, but the hallway was empty.
‘Amie?’
There was another snort of laughter from somewhere on the stairs.

This right here, has more tension and suspense than all of Lindsay's albino space-raptor bullshit. I know Mike J doesn't have Lindsay's social media numbers, but how did he not get a real book deal, and hers did? The publishing world is such a scam.

Simon realizes the front door is open and goes after his sister, once again.

There was silence throughout Hedgely. Even the animals of the night were not calling out.

So no unidentified barking animals, then? Simon gets locked out of the house.

Simon suddenly realised his bare feet were frozen on the cold stone path. His pyjamas were hardly suitable clothing to be wearing outside on an autumn night.
‘Let me in!’ he growled while fighting back the urge to bang on the door.
The sound of excited laughter came from further within the village.
Simon was sure he recognised it. He held his breath for a moment and listened.

Pyjamas? Come on, we can't even agree on the spelling of pajamas? BTW I'm not the one breaking these passages up into sentence/paragraphs. That's his choppy writing.

There was another guffaw, this time louder, and Simon was sure he knew who it was. Despite his small size, Jonathon had a very recognisable laugh. It was a deep, booming laugh, and it was echoing through the village.

Again, if I knew there wasn't some sort of faggotry coming up, this would be a good start to horror/suspense story.

Anyway, Jonathon is also with Will and some other kid Simon didn't know.

Simon could see that if he stood at full height he would be as tall as an adult. He was making strange noises which sounded a bit like an angry horse, which Jonathon found so funny he had to stop and hold his waist so he could catch his breath. The trio were cutting across the green and heading toward the woodland which backed onto the village. It was the same way Amie had gone two nights before.

Simon follows.

END OF CHAPTER 5