The Spoony Movie

[drisko]

So I've had this idea kicking around in my head for a while. Since Spoony will never make a movie, I reckon someone else should. One that's more accurate to his life. And then I thought, why can't it be me? And then I realised I probably would make something shit. But then I thought "Why not do what the nobodies never could and ask for others to criticise your idea to make it better?" So here I am.

This is just the initial pitch, let me know what you would do differently.

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We open with Spoony's intro to Bayou Billy, which eventually becomes a montage of his early work, transitioning into his crossovers with CA and showing the good times he was having with fans and friends, along with photos of him smiling and happy while an original song plays and the opening credits roll, to show Spoony in his prime. The song turns dark as we start throwing in some of his more inflammatory comments and videos where he starts bashing the fans. We see his patreon at five grand begin to slide as the melody and lyrics just get sad as Spoony streams and tweets about how he's given up, while the replies keep telling him that he just needs to take a break and that they'll always be there for him...

Fade in to modern Spoony's kitchen. April wanders in with a bottle of Jack and knocks twice on the basement door. As she makes a bowl of cereal, Spoony emerges from the dungeon looking sweaty, dirty and gross. April swallows her vomit, pushes the bowl to him and puts down the Jack as she runs away. Spoony doesn't even notice, he just pours the liquor into his cereal and starts eating. We see he's looking at a TV showing a news report about Trump. This causes Spoony to lose his appetite and throw the spoon down in disgust. He looks down to see Oreo, dirty and thin, begging for attention but ignores her. He trudges back towards the basement as Oreo jumps on the kitchen bench and starts devouring the cereal like she hasn't eaten in days. April calls out that she's heading to work and to please take Oreo for a walk. Spoony gives a non-committal groan and slams the door behind him.

Down in the basement, we can see it's disgusting, grimy and caked in filth. Spoony plops himself down on the sofa and starts going through twitter, tweeting how awful life is and how nothing can fix it. There's a clock behind him that speeds up so we can see this is literally all he does all day. At six, April opens the door and comes down to inspect. She asks him if he walked Oreo, he shrugs and genuinely doesn't know, April just shakes her head, of course not, and leaves. Spoony grabs a bottle of booze and starts swigging. Oreo comes down, bugging him for attention, but Spoony is too drunk to respond and passes out.

The next day, April goes to her job folding shirts at the mall, surrounded by kids half her age doing a better job than she can. Depressed, she goes on break and heads over to the food court. Grabbing a burger, she heads for an unoccupied table, only to bump into Brad from MKE, who was heading for that same table. They start talking, agreeing to share the table, and it turns out he's into the nerdy shit she likes too, but actually has a stable job. Licking her lips, April asks Brad if he'd like to come back to her place.

In the basement, Spoony wakes up and realises his bottle is empty. Pissed off at this inconvenience, he trudges upstairs and raids the liquor cabinet, which is mostly empty at this point. He grumbles, wondering where April is so he can bitch at her for not doing the shopping. On cue, we hear some muffled moans and bed springs squeaking. Spoony looks up, confused, as the moans get louder. Spoony shrugs and turns the TV on to watch some wrestling. He tweets about how shit it is as he's getting cucked, and how life is awful, when there's a knock on the door. Spoony yells out for April to get it, but she's busy, so he gets up to get it.

It's Miles. He's been reading Spoony's twitter and is sick of the self-pity bullshit. He demands Spoony goes to visit a psychiatrist, and Miles has set up an appointment for him. Spoony insists that it won't help, so Miles uses his police powers to hog tie his brother and throw him in the back of his car. The two drive over, Miles regaling Spoony of his exploits protecting the border. Spoony is insistent that nothing can fix his life except for Trump's impeachment and Miles reminds him the Republicans have control of the Senate, so he probably won't leave. This does not help matters. They reach the psychiatrist's office, so Miles unties Spoony and drags him in easily.

The doctor is a nice enough guy and asks Miles to leave, which he does. He and Spoony have a conversation, where Spoony just asks for a prescription that'll undo his bad thoughts, though the doctor keeps asking Spoony to try and work out where this negativity comes from. Spoony rants about how he was abandoned by his friends and family for no apparent reason. When the doctor suggests this may not be what happened, Spoony flips out and tries to throw a book with his noodle arms. The doctor eventually stands up and clocks him, knocking him out.

At the police station, Spoony is holding an ice pack to his face as Miles signs him out, pissed off. Spoony insists he did nothing wrong, which causes Miles to round on him and start yelling about how he's a fuck up who has fucked up every opportunity he ever had. Miles lays out all of Spoony's problems in one speech, but Spoony can't handle it and just tells his brother to fuck off and runs out of the station, crying like a bitch. Miles sighs as a fellow officer asks him if Miles is going to go after Spoony. In a resigned voice, Miles admits he can't do it this time.

Spoony gets about twenty feet when he collapses from exhaustion and calls an uber to take him home. When he walks in, he sees April and Brad in the kitchen. Brad is serving dinner shirtless while April is wearing a dressing gown and clearly nothing underneath, with some white liquid spilling down her leg. April introduces Spoony to Brad as her roommate and Spoony doesn't catch on to correct her. Brad offers a hand to shake, then immediately regrets it when Spoony gets within smelling distance. Spoony steals Brad's plate and takes it down into the basement, much to the bemusement of Brad, while April just shrugs like "What are you gonna do?"

Days later, a lawyer comes to the door and informs April that the bank is planning to foreclose on the house due to a lack of mortgage payments. She drags Spoony up to the living room to explain what's going on. Spoony admits to the lawyer he doesn't have any money so couldn't pay off what he owed on the house. The lawyer explains they're giving him a couple of months to get the money together, but Spoony threatens to kick the guy's ass unless he gets out of his house. The lawyer smirks and leaves, informing April they have six months. April tries to get Spoony to take this seriously but he's insistent there's nothing they can do. She gets sick of his bullshit and walks out, going to Brad's house and jumping into his arms.

That night, Spoony is sitting on the couch with WWE going while he reads over the letter. He walks around the house, realising April is really gone, noting his Counter Monkey set covered in cobwebs and his old set up gathering dust. Spoony pulls out his phone and tweets that he'll be streaming soon. He trudges down to the basement where he's set up, ready to go, but pauses before he boots up the PC. He collapses into his chair, paralyzed by fear of having to do work and starts shaking. He grits his teeth, pushes the button and turns to the camera, psyching himself up as he logs in. Instead of playing a game, he decides to talk about an old story from his D&D days, becoming more animated as he remembers being with friends and having fun. There's even a small smile on his face. He even gets a super chat of $5 asking for his thoughts on the Warcraft movie, which leads him to start ranting about that.

All over the world, people are talking on social media about how Spoony actually seems to be making a comeback. This causes him to have a larger audience when he does his next stream, just talking about whatever. The super chats pour in and at the end of the month, he's able to pay off some of his debt, but not enough. Spoony calls up Doge and asks if there's any chance he could be in his next NC review. And luckily, yes he can. So Spoony showers off the dirt and grime he's accumulated, heads to Chicago and meets up with Doge to discuss what he'll be doing. They do a dumb skit based on Rise of Skywalker, and Spoony actually has fun working on a set, especially since he can go to a buffet with the others after.

Allison is pissed off about this and tries to mark Spoony as some sort of traitor, but this just leads to Spoony getting even more attention as many didn't know he was back. He even uploads his videos he never got around to finishing. But his white whale is still there, Final Fantasy XII-2 and Lightning Returns. He isn't sure he can do it, when he meets a lovely young lady at a bar. Deciding to be bold, he turns on the charm and ends up taking her home. And what luck, she's an heiress with millions that she's getting from daddy, who just happens to be a big time Hollywood producer making a fantasy movie.

After nailing his audition, Spoony is immediately given sixty million dollars as a signing bonus and told to show up on Monday. He and his new girl spend the weekend fucking and he shows up on set on time, wowing everyone with his amazing ideas from his days as a DM. He wins an Oscar for his role as well as best screen writer, and Hollywood is tripping over themselves to sign him up to direct their movies because of his genius. Spoony walks out of a theatre and is able to crowd surf his millions of fans, all chanting his name and praising him.

Cut back to the basement. Spoony is still paralyzed with the thought of pushing the button to turn on his PC. This time, he just sits down on the ground and looks under the desk to see a half-finished bottle of whiskey. He downs it in one and then heads upstairs, ignoring Oreo who is trying to get his attention. Outside, it's early morning. Spoony throws the bottle away and heads to his car. He climbs in and starts driving around aimlessly as Metallica's Nothing Else Matters plays. He reaches an intersection and the light turns red. Not paying attention, Spoony doesn't even slow down, getting T-boned by another car that had right of way. Spoony lays against the steering wheel, eyes wide and lifeless. He's dead.

The funeral is mostly empty. His family shows up, April is in the back with Brad, and Miles has Oreo on a lead. She's looking much healthier. Miles hands the lead to his mother and gives an awkward eulogy, admitting that no one knows if Spoony just didn't see the red light or intentionally went through, but that they're sad he died alone. The family scatters his ashes and then go on with their lives. Years later, Doge is still making videos, Miles and Oreo are brutally taking down a Mexican, and April and Brad are welcoming their son into the world. A nurse suggests the name 'Noah' and the new parents immediately tell her fuck no. Cue the credits to Break Me.

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I'd probably take Allison out because she can have her own movie. The alternate reality where he achieves all his dreams is probably a little over the top, might tone it down to something more realistic that could potentially happen if he got his act together.

Anyway, let me know what you guys think.

[Guest]

Alison's movie needs to be a hard NC-17 journey into depravity, culminating in a lez scene with MarzGurl that makes Blue is the Warmest Color look like a Pixar movie.

That Ryan guy from The Office should play Spoony.

[Tony Schiavone]

.

Anyway, let me know what you guys think.

It needs to have that Clue interlude title that says "Of course, that's not what really happened" with the whimsical music, after the fantasy ending.

Also Brad should have his current wife present at the funeral along with April. He should be surreptitiously filing for his next movie.
Also Linky should be there, in the immediate front row if not presiding, giving or wrapping up a two hour story about Noah's contributions which all ultimately serve to show off his own genius. [His ape is somewhere chewing on the flowers.]
A random ex-CA (like Paw or Suede) should be there only briefly until they get a call or text saying this isn't part of a video and they won't get paid, after which they leave.
Benzaie should be shown briefly spiking the holy water with vodka or other booze, shifting his eyes left and right, then disappearing.
Marz should be there only to cluelessly put a JewWario pic next to Noah's body and sob that they both died too soon doing what they loved.
The NDrunk should just get a notification at the Planned Parenthood office, shrug, put her phone away, and get up to her appointment with a smile and wearing her Disney mouse ears.
ERod should be banging on the door outside, as people walk by, no one paying attention to him.
Lastly, LordFat should be shown after the credits hiding in the confession booth the whole time, rubbing his hands, and after everyone else is gone grabbing a flask full of the spiked holy water. "Betrayal," he snickers as he takes a sip and mock salute, and then leaves.

[Moe Bitches]

I assume there will also be a comic adaptation *wink wink*

[MegaNigger]

.

Anyway, let me know what you guys think.

It needs to have that Clue interlude title that says "Of course, that's not what really happened" with the whimsical music, after the fantasy ending.

Also Brad should have his current wife present at the funeral along with April. He should be surreptitiously filing for his next movie.
Also Linky should be there, in the immediate front row if not presiding, giving or wrapping up a two hour story about Noah's contributions which all ultimately serve to show off his own genius. [His ape is somewhere chewing on the flowers.]
A random ex-CA (like Paw or Suede) should be there only briefly until they get a call or text saying this isn't part of a video and they won't get paid, after which they leave.
Benzaie should be shown briefly spiking the holy water with vodka or other booze, shifting his eyes left and right, then disappearing.
Marz should be there only to cluelessly put a JewWario pic next to Noah's body and sob that they both died too soon doing what they loved.
The NDrunk should just get a notification at the Planned Parenthood office, shrug, put her phone away, and get up to her appointment with a smile and wearing her Disney mouse ears.
ERod should be banging on the door outside, as people walk by, no one paying attention to him.
Lastly, LordFat should be shown after the credits hiding in the confession booth the whole time, rubbing his hands, and after everyone else is gone grabbing a flask full of the spiked holy water. "Betrayal," he snickers as he takes a sip and mock salute, and then leaves.

Idk... i think this should be played like a totally serious drama. There's real potential for a "The Room 2" vibe here...

[Kugelfisch]

And then I realised I probably would make something shit.

And you did. Sorry, I don't like any of that. I don't really have any suggestions either because my idea of the perfect Spoony movie is a Live Leak video of him shotgun blasting his head off.
I really don't see how one could make something actually funny out of his life story. It's just too pathetic.

[Moe Bitches]

So I worked on a picture for half an hour and I thought to myself why the fuck would I bother.
But hey, I had fun with it. I'll try to post it later.

[MegaNigger]

And then I realised I probably would make something shit.

And you did. Sorry, I don't like any of that. I don't really have any suggestions either because my idea of the perfect Spoony movie is a Live Leak video of him shotgun blasting his head off.
I really don't see how one could make something actually funny out of his life story. It's just too pathetic.

It needs to be played serious to be funny.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Like Adam West's Batman performance.

[pibbs]

If we're doing a serious pitch for a Spoony movie here's mine.

The Spoony One the Bard the Movie

Set in medieval times. EXT - CASTLE WALL. Camera pans over a thriving market following a royal convoy of soldiers, the camera stops on a hanging steel cage. The prisoner inside is smirking at the camera. Our hero folks.
"I know what you're thinking... I must be a real piece of shit to be in here. But it's really not my fault."
He gives some exposition about sneaking into the bedroom of one of the King's daughters. It sounds like bullshit. He's interrupted as the royal guards stop near him. He overhears the captain of the guard talking about an unobtainable McGuffin needed to break a dragons curse or some shit. Spoony smirks again at the camera, "Now watch this."
Spoony then bullshits his way out of the cage with a promise only he knows how to get the McGuffin. His plan is to bullshit his way through this until he can escape.
Quest begins, shit happens, hilarity ensues. Pop culture references and cameos from the CA Cinematic Universe. Spoony goes through his character arc and sacrifices himself to save the party and learns the true meaning of Christmas or whatever.
Spoony is healed, treasure is his, and the King gives him a medal and the princess's hand in marriage. *Record scratch* Spoony gets the hell out of Dodge galloping away at high speed. The royal guards in pursuit
Credits as SmashMouth song plays
Post credit scene- pan in on a dark cave where a filthy, warty witch is brewing a demon potion. It's Lupa cackling "I'm coming for you, Spoony! I'M COMING FOR YOUUUUU! And your little dog too!