Tony Schiavone's SPSR Archive

[Tony Schiavone]

I fucking knew it. May is the month when I actually have some conferences to attend, so of course he waits until now to decide to start again while I'm out for a few days.

I come back now and see this gem on the plebbit as a tantalizing preview:



What ho! So it turns out that whole movie idea was hinging on the work of one person. Who can't now.
So of course, that's the whole reason the movie can't be made. I can't even fathom a good response...


Because there isn't time!
So many questions!

Has Noah discovered hygiene in his long absence? Does he even care about turning off video comments anymore?
Will he reveal the answer to why Iron Bull is no longer front and center in his woman's life? Does he live in a commune Discord with all his other ex-forum runaways?
Will Spoony pitch a monster fit and start breaking more cups and mugs than his characters onscreen? Will he greedily keep more money from JewRapio's corpse? Is Cuckson still tired?

Once again, boys and girls, it appears to be time...for...

Spoony's Panhandling Stream Roundup

[SOCIAL JUSTICE MEANS GETTING MY TWITTER BACK Edition]

I tally it so you don't have to. All dollar amounts in USD, because burgerland = #1. Convert as necessary for your country.

Vital Statistics:

• Total time: 2:20:36
  Total haul: $258.16
  Begging Efficiency Per Hour (BEPH): $110.17. [The long hiatus away means the autists have been saving up their money, and gleefully sacrifice it at Spoony's altar. Some of the more especially retarded repeatedly ask how much they need to throw away at him. In the vain, foolish hopes that he'll do videos again.]
  
  Cuckson Sightings: Sheriff Cuckson, who had been spending his time herding up trannies, has been taking advantage of the fresh air and sunshine on Brokeback Mountain. Refreshed, he and Hydrogen Bomb Andy immediately respond quickly to the call of their King.
  
  Cuckson is at his cringiest 'best' here. It seems like he goes extra hard in this one to try and become Spoony's Real Mother:
  • Decides where and when Spoony's vlogs will take place.
  • Begs Boss to stream Batman Season 2 when it ready for him to roll out on it.
  • Soothes his gentle child that s rankings don't really matter when he starts to get fussy. He's proud of his little man just for trying.
  • Lays down the frontier justice on a chatman who distrusts the pig NPC one too many times.
  • Makes references so clever even he can't remember them right.
  • Enforces the 'no CA' rule with zeal and vigilance. "Ey, I'm the one wielding the hammer tonight, and it is a holy hammer. Don't blame the player, don't blame the mod, blame your own sins."
  • Numb to the whole business about 'age of consent;' although he totally understands the pedo culture in Nippon.
  (With all the time away, I'd almost forgotten how much of a worthless piece of pathetic garbage he is. Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder.)

Quotes and Other Items of Note
[Best snippets, in chronological time order.]

• We are LIVE back in the Room that Time Forgot! (Apparently sleep was not one of the things he decided to focus on his sabbatical. He looks likes a tired prostitute).
  Someone says hi from Venezuela. Spoony weakly answers back hi from America.

• Spoony says no one will believe this, but he knows virtually nothing. ... About Cuphead.
  Except that it is a misery simulator. And if he's going to play it, we should be able to witness his meltdown publicly. (Always giving the fans what they want to see).

• Spoony was going to play Salt and Sanctuary … but says someone told him it was just Dark Souls 2. And he don't want no more of that.

• Spoony unhappily decides to put on his headphones and "give this a try."
  Chat acts like he's their long lost father--'moranmanny​I': "don't need sleep spoony is streaming =w="

• Spoony begins, at 2:45, by saying he can't understand why the game has the visual look it has. Seriously.

• $5.79 quote from 'Anders'--"Good morning from Sweden!"
  (Spoony cheerfully thanks him for his 'Sweden dollars.')

• 4:48. Sheriff Cuckson blasts his way back into Spoony's life.

• $2.00 quote from 'The Free Man--"You're alive! Long time no see. Beat Persona yet?"
  (Spoony says he did, if you're referring to the latest one. "I have a lot of issues with that game.")

• $1.99 quote from 'Malice430'--"Welcome back SPOONY! Where ya been?"
  ("Under a rock," Spoony answers.)

• $10.00 quote from 'Cyclops Parker'--"Thanks for not being a coward and saying the Real Truth about Ghost in the Shell"
  (Spoony says there's no cowardice in not liking it. "The movie is terrible.")

• While Cuckson desperately tries to get Master to remember the tutorial from two minutes ago, Spoony dies to a potato. Chat wonders when marriage Is going o happen to April; which Ghost in the Shell he was reffering to.

• $5.00 quote from 'Leon Trotsky'--"I want another hour long spoony talks shit about something everybody likes video"
  (Spoony ignores, carefully reads his slave's instructions on how to properly play.)

• $5.00 quote from 'Coty Demster'--"Hey, now that shroud of the avatar has been released will you play it? You have a pretty cool Easter egg in it"
  (Spoony also completely ignores).

• Cuckson tries to passively aggressively worm his way into a two player mode: "April'd have fun with it, bring her in, it'd be hilarious."

• Twenty minutes in, Spoony gets more frustrated, blaming the controls, forgetting buttons, no health bar for bosses, and being surprised that coins hurt him.
  Cuckson keeps spamming obvious observations, cheerleading, and backseating game advice.

• 26:23. Spoony starts growling. Someone asks what Mike Machaud is like. "Quit trying to troll me with whatever happened at Channel Awesome," he replies. "I've nothing to say about it…Absolutely nothing."

• $4.86 quote from 'Allard'--"An (admittedly) insignificant token of gratitude for all the entertainment you gave me."
  (Spoony responds with pained screams. "I need to buy some more crazy meds.")

• $10.00 quote from 'Ed Matuskey'--"Angry Joe and Other Joe almost came to blows over this game, heh--good luck!"
  (Spoony apathetically wonders why anyone would come to blows over this.)

• Jackson's getting sloppy, allowing comments like this from 'masterzombie161​': "quick question, will there be a new review for "year of spoony?"
  Some others ask serious questions--like if he's abandoned his website for good. Others just remain morons: "t's rather heartwarming to see how many people are gradually coming on if only to wish Spoony well."
  Spoony shoots down a chat request for more Persona 5.

• At 39:07, Stoneman Douglas Andy saunters in, and then shuts the hell up because his superior Sheriff is present.

• $15.06 quote from 'T Horrocks'--"Try not to get banned from twitter again"
  Spoony says he'll try. "That was a ride … you don't even know." (Guess that means we won't either.)

• Trotsky gives another $2.00 because "its Karl Marx's birthday." Meanwhile, 'Jesse' gives his third $2.00 donation, desperately hoping for a friend who likes his puerile jokes.
  Spoony doesn't reply; buys the Lobber.

• $3.91 quote from 'AxelXGabriel'--"Hey Spoony? You gunna play/stream God of War (2018)?"
  (He will not, as he doesn't have the game, and has not heard good things about it besides.)
  Jinson brags about how he still watches Con Bravo 2012 videos.

• Trotsky pathetically spends $2.99 to start a discussion on Infinity War. No one cares.

• 46:27. Spoony gets mad enough to punch a holiday decoration.
  This is followed by more death shrieking, and pleading.

• $5.00 quote from 'blackraptor311'--"Really enjoyed your stream Torment: Tides of Numenera. Any chance you will stream more of it in the future?"
  (Spoony doesn't believe he really enjoyed the stream. "I was not blown away by that game…didn't give it much of a chance, but it wasn't at all what I was expecting.")

• $2.00 quote from 'Nelson's TAS and Game Archive'--"If you bring back Rebuary I'll personally succ you."
  Cuckson pushes Batman some more, saying it'll be a simple cooldown.

• Spoony flatly states Reb Brown month probably won't come back. "There's a lot more stuff he's been in, but nothing of note." Says he was overestimating how much there was. "There's one other thing--but I don't know about it yet."
  Cuckson backs him up with his own official statement.

[Holy moley, I forgot how pathetic these chatpeople are. So many of them are proclaiming he's BACK!! and publicly hold out hope for a comeback. Others are legit amazed he can play and read comments at the same time. (And all the terrible attempts at clever 'jokes'…)]

• $10.00 quote from 'Oreyee'--"Is there any place I can find your old written reviews? On your website or anything?"
  (Spoony shouts profanity at a pair of clouds and makes a weird sound).

• Between his duties enforcing the no CA discussion rule, the Cucknadian slaveboy gets nervous for his hero: "I'll say this, man. We don't need to see you rage. We're just happy to see you back and streaming and up."

• After an hour, Spoony's really wound up now, alternating between bitter griping, heavy sighing, and screaming.
  Goes on a mini rant on FTL: "You win if the game lets you. And you won't."

• Few more infiltrators now slipping in. Shadow_Link: "​I'd like to see spoony play getting over it"
  Noah cynically boasts at some invisible person failing to troll him by just saying TRUMP.

• 1:08:16. After holding his head for half a minute, Spoony's getting mad for real you guyz.
  "This is when I start falling eerily silent. Not 'cause I got nothin to say--cause I got way too much…"

• People in chat are starting to join Cuckson in asking everyone stop making video requests and just "let him play in piece."
  (If I try to think about that one too hard, my brain will explode.)

• 1:17:13. Someone brought up the Man in the Raping Hat! Spoony says that chatman's a real tough guy, trying to bring it up just to hurt his feelings.

• Spoony keeps going trying to shame the person if they think they're a good person for asking. He's says there's no reason for hurting them what does it say about you, blah blah blah.

• Noah is now tired of the game. When asked, he does't mind the trolls, he 'marvels' at them. "It's not that they hurt me. It's that why they think that's fun." Chat supports him like he's Evita.

• 1:19:15. Cuckson drops the pretense and tells Spoony it's now time to move to a new game and feel good.

• Spoony realizes he forgot something he should've said to that guy earlier. "You would NEVER say that to my face. Really think that's key. And you know that." Calls it a coward move.

• After repeatedly failing, Spoony then goes on a mini-rant about how using cheats proves nothing for no reason.
  (Apparently it's OK for contests involving prizes. But not for pure griefing).
  Somehow this also relates to trolls or something.

• $10.00 quote from 'George Usilton Jr'--"Spoony, your the Mel Brooks of YouTube to me. It doesn't matter what anyone says, your always fun to watch"

• Spoony repeats he has nothing to say about Channel Awesome.
  His boy toy threatens to PUT PEOPLE IN TIME OUT if they keep pressing the issue.

• Infiltrators oblige and ask about if Trump should get the Nobel Peace Prize for Korea.
  Spoony asks if they need to shut down the chat room. "I don't want…people to get ready for war when they come to my chat room. I want this to be fun. Not a place where people come for a fight."
  His eunuch promises it will be OK.

• Noah feels bad--not for losing--but because he isn't learning from his own mistakes.
  Electroshock Andy keeps trying to act cool with his questions.

• Noah says, YET AGAIN, that he has no rage or dirt with Channel Awesome.
  Sheriff Cuckson finally starts putting the spurs to the ignorant outlaws: "Spoony, don't worry about that. I'm here with the chat, just focus on the game and on getting this through. Me and andy got your back modding; its what we we're here for."

Finally, at 1:28:00, Spoony can't help himself and starts spilling his lies feelings:


WARNING: Massive Bullshit Alert

"I have nothing bad to say about anybody. When you get as old as I am, you'll start to learn the value of not burning any more bridges. And I've done more than my fair share of that."

• After that brief interlude, Spoony goes back to sputtering and cursing. And condescending replies to chat about how he hasn't played a suggested game. "I don't get out much…so to speak."
  Once again, he ominously hints that there's been 'issues.'

• Spoony finally beats the plant boss, but has trouble with the dessert boss. Jackson wants him to take a break, of course.
  It eventually gets too hard for him--even with cringey chat encouragement, so he quits game at 1:46:01.

But wait! We're not done!
Noah still streams for another 40 minutes.(!)


Get ready for OOOOVEEEERTIIIIME!!!!

• First he sits and mumbles along with chat.
  Then admits "I'm not nearly drunk enough for this, yet."

• He teases a game he would have chosen, but graciously allows himself to hear other suggestions. "I have a feeling I'm not going to like them."
  Sure enough, he shoots down options left and right.
  Excuses include:
  • not wanting to be stressed out like this one
  • games that involve reading
  • games that make him tired

• Someone in chat asks if he lost weight. He refuses to admit it.
  He also warns the audience that they won't like Undertale if he decides to download and play it.
  Jinson keeps asks for Batman like a two year old.

• Spoony eventually gets to talking about Persona 5: "… Fuck Persona 5."
  • He says his reasons may get him called SJW or 'cocklord'; but for him the game is "morally reprehensible."
  • Has a problem with the females seduction/humiliation or whatever being misleading and pscyhological raping, etc.

• (This moralizing and debating with chat goes on for the last [b[20 fuckingminutes.[/b]
  Noah insists it's worth bitching about a fictional fantasy character.
  (My favorite part is watching Cuckson struggling--PLEADING--to get Boss to shut up about it and move on.)

• Cuckson finally decides--for chat and Spoony--that enough is enough. "Okay people, we're moving on. Conversation's pulled on too long."
  Hilariously, Spoony ignores and keeps going. "If this is unhinged, be glad my hinges are off!"

• Cuckson tells everyone defending it in chat to bring it down a notch so sempai will listen.
  Someone asks Spoony what welfare is like. He doesn't take it well.

• $5.00 quote from 'Ghuntz Wazabi'--"Noah, these fools are lost. They're the ones that need to chill and actually come to terms with their humanity."
  (Spoony keeps talking about the 'skeezy' game.)

• Chat starts to get mad at its own, as more dare to question Lord Noah. ("I'm not mad," he says flatly. "I'm disappointed.") Others just get tired of it.

• Finally, Noah stops tugging at the butthurt sore he's been picking at, and cynically announces he's going to play a masked violent vigilante.
  ... At least not leaving without a few parting words about the "moral righteousness of playing characters who are essentially mind raping."

• $5.00 quote from 'AscalonMaster'--"... Even your moderator is getting uneasy."
  (Noah keeps comparing his rambling point to playing God. He says chat asked for it, when they started it.)

• Spoony closes by reading negative opinions about him. He doesn't actually respond to any of them; prefers instead to keep going on about pornography.
  He says they'll be more for those who don't think he's been brainwashed by April into being a snowflake. (I can't tell if he's genuinely missing the point or not).

• Lastly, Spoony says he'll be back tomorrow. If he hasn't fallen asleep.

Will Noah start a massive bitchfit about the moral and social responsibilities of Batman? Will Cuckson ask for some of Boss's sperm to keep him company on those long nights on the trail?

Stay tuned!!!

[Tony Schiavone]

How did Spoony find the strength to perservere through this stream while his neighbors were mowing the lawn? Will April just give up and make a new boyfriend/Bull out of a saguaro cactus?
Will Noah ever convince his Patrons to let them buy him insurance? Will Cuckson finally get to be his master's Robin?

Once again, boys and girls, it appears to be time...for...

Spoony's Panhandling Stream Roundup

[MY FANS MUST HAVE THE SAME AMOUNT OF BRAIN DAMAGE AS HAL JORDAN Edition]

I tally it so you don't have to. All dollar amounts in USD, because burgerland = #1. Convert as necessary for your country.

Vital Statistics:

• Total time: 2:48:18
  Total haul: $55.23
  Begging Efficiency Per Hour (BEPH): $19.69. [Not even collection plate money. Evidence that all his bottom-dweller base blew their load on the previous stream and have nothing left ...
  ... Not that they have any incentive, of course. Since the game is so dialogue heavy, there isn't much for Spoony to do but lurk on the periphery as usual, make a few occasional lame quips or observational humor, and drink his Diet Coke.
  And that's fine. He put in a sold two hours of work already this month. Time to take a break. He's earned it.]
  
  Cuckson Sightings: None. After all the begging and the buildup, Sheriff Cuckson decides not to attend the stream he so desperately pleaded for. (Instead deciding to hang around the Social Justice Corral, fighting assault revolvers with his cowboy karate).
  
  Instead we are treated to Puckle_Gun_Andy, who shows up right on time at 2:32 for no one to give a shit. As I've often said, you must be a very low being for Cuckson to beat you on the dominance hierarchy, but that's how he acts. His greatest contribution is being amazed people are still talking about Bladerunner.

Quotes and Other Items of Note
[Best snippets, in chronological time order.]

• We are once again LIVE back at the Room of Sadness and Lost Promises!

• The first minute we are treated to an empty chair, and a barely Spoony visible on his knees on the floor.
  (Not sure why or how in the span of a day all his equipment got moved? What else does he do in his room?)

• Spoony says it takes forever for him to decide upon one of his many dozens of games. He has a gigantic list.
  (Tekken 7 does not appear to be on it).

• Someone in chat actually asks if he needs to give Spoony his credit card info.

• Spoony says his room area is a mess, and that there is hair everywhere do to his frequent shedding.
  With that--and a quick complaint of how hot he is--we begin.

• 3:05. Spoony strokes himself debating whether to show comments on stream. He decides not to do anything.

• He gives yet another 'reminder' that his @thespoonyone twitter is the only real one..

• $1.99 quote from 'Spartan9095'--"Where did you get your framed Wild Space art?" (Spoony looks behind him nervously; has no idea how his creepy fan knows that). Stinger_Missile_Andy pipes up that Oreo's account still exists.

• Spartan9095 gives more money as the game freezes. Spoony tells a fascinating story of how he bought the poster on eBay.

• Spoony explains why Crowd Play won't truly be used, due to Youtube lag. "I'll be making my own decisions, and you're just gonna … add your opinion."
  Spoony says it might be fun because he'll "roleplay it." He then confuses Andy's laughing at another chatguy's lame joke, for appreciating his own wit.

• Spoony gets distracted by an ad to say he wishes he were more current on comics. Wants to have someone explain what's going on.
  He mentions he stopped reading Marvel at Incursion, then talks for about Marvel and Hellblazer nonsense for about five minutes. Amusingly, he doesn't even think Linkara is current on comics.

• Spoony throws out a couple riddles for his fans to figure out how clever he is (they guess pretty quickly). Noah looks pleased with the top quality content he just provided.
  (Note: after FOURTEEN MINUTES of dicking around, he finally starts playing the actual game. This will come into play later, as he wonders why it went so long.)

• Someone gives 5 euros to hear him talk about Infinity War. Spoony says he hasn't seen it, and makes a weird noise..

• 21:48. Spoony gets throat cancer.
  Ballista Andy later has to remind the chat that this is not the same universe as the main DC one.

• Spoony's dialogue choices--as you might expect--are pretty much the bland, safe, and predictable ones.
  "I like playing Batman as a silent, speaks with his actions, type of guy."

• Actual quote from 'NoHurtFeline'--"I want to cosplay as Spoony."

• 1:00:56. Spoony makes Bruce Wayne do something dickish and laughes himself silly over it. (Naturally, it involved ignoring someone's question).
  "That was some good 'Wayne-ing' there."

• Spoony starts to get more animated after the black guy dies *SPOILERS*. (Guess the prospect of death and pain is enough to get a mild rise out of him). Chat debates which character they'd rather fuck from behind.

• 1:52:36. Strangler_Andy tries to be cute and ask Noah If he missed editing while solving an audio puzzle.
  Fortunately for him, Spoony ignores as usual.

• Spoony's new 'thing' now is apparently making random barfing noises.

• With thirty minutes left to go, Blasting Cap Andy threatens to get tough on someone! (Over spoiling a insignificantly small part of Infinity War).
  He refers to someone else mentioning memes as something that could've spoiled the movie "abhorrant, depraved behavior....monsters." Don't wake the A-Bomb!

• After completing the chapter, Spoony justifies his decision to let the Riddler kill a couple people he could've saved. He says it felt "really long," although he says it also wasn't, really.
  He then makes a snarky guess about Episode 2, and then spends a few minutes speculating how guilty the series is supposed to make you feel.
  • He can't play the Walking Dead series because of that. "They're brilliantly written, but I can't play them." Too much misery for him.

• At 2:29:03, he realizes he had Crowd Play off the whole time.
  He rants some more about generally miserable TV experiences, and then a long monologue on Game of Thrones continuity. Silence_of_the_Lambs_Andy desperately wants to be included in the conversation.

• Spoony decides not to play a second chapter, after the first one got to be too intense for him.
  He tells chat he likes Tales from the Borderlands, as he and April were playing that. He continues snobbing over other games as the stream winds down to a close.
  (He isn't sure whether to officially list Cuphead or not as part of his channel ... but lucky YOU!, dear readers, who got to read the roundup for it!)

• Last Spoony comment: "I didn't even know there was a new God of War game until literally yesterday. I kindof live under a rock."

It's been a week since, so I'm betting Spoony has lost his nerve to work up the courage to do another one, probably until after Memorial Day.
Hope so--I won't have time again for another few weeks. (Just my luck someone will tip him off to do more low-effort ones out of spite.)

[Tony Schiavone]

Convention time is over! Finally caught up enough to sit down and do this proper--which means, as predicted, he went and released a half-assed video while I was away. Someone on here tip him off?

Will the King of Youtube find a way to cough up an insurance premium, instead of merely blood? Will April finally win a game of Spin the Xanax Bottle?
Can Noah ever summon the courage and intestinal fortitude to somehow log into his Steam account? Could Cuckson get that permanent work visa on the vital medical grounds that Boss' chest must be squeezed to keep him breathing?

Once again, boys and girls, it appears to be time ... for ...

Spoony's Panhandling Stream Roundup

[GOD CAN KILL TOTALBISCUIT BUT HE CAN'T LIGHTNING ME FREE ELECTROSHOCKS Edition]

I tally it so you don't have to. All dollar amounts in USD, because burgerland = #1. Convert as necessary for your country.

Vital Statistics:

• Total time: 1:06:35
  Total haul: $42.45
  Begging Efficiency Per Hour (BEPH): $38.25. [Stream was saved by a last minute $20 donation; otherwise, he would've barely had enough for a couple twelve packs. Spoony should know the dangers by know of attempting to do any sort of activity more than once a half-year.]
  
  Cuckson Sightings: Not this time. Must've conflicted with his needs to get good seats for Cucknadian pride month parades.
  Santa_Fe_Andy shows up early again for house nigger duty. Try as he might, he just doesn't have the wit or comedic timing of Sheriff Cuckson. He comes across as a 10 year old trying to act cool and smart around a high school sports team.
  
  Even without his supporting cast, the ol' Spoonster manages to carry the show. This stream was filled with toxic levels of irony, as ye shall soon see.

Quotes and Other Items of Note
[Best snippets, in chronological time order.]

• We are once again LIVE back at the Room of Imaginative Diseases and Disorders!
  Tagline for the video to get us HYPED!!!: "It was either the royal wedding or watching Spoony get fucked with a power drill." (Well then.)

• Spoony mumbles a hello with a mouth full of crackers.

((

Alright. .. before we continue.
Stop. Real talk.
I ain't no racist. Really--I don't think I am. I don't want to start some tangent or sound holier than thou or whatever. I only say this because of what I'm about to say, I don't take it lightly:


.OK. Click here and look at Noah. Look at the sunken, swollen eyes; the dark circles that have formed from abuse and hate. Look at the greasy, thinning hair. The nose, the facial structure. And now the scrabbly, dark, unkempt beard, representing the pinnacle of neglect for himself.
Look at all of that now, with the unshaven cherry on the proverbial sundae. I don't think it's a coincidence anymore.

This feeling in my gut, is saying the resemblance is more than uncanny. It all makes sense now.
Transformation to final form may now be complete.

))

• Noah meanwhile mutters some more through stuffing his face, that he's going into this blind.
  He says ThatDudeintheSuede may have 'spoiled him' for him, because the game has jump scares. (Lord Spoony doesn't like jump scares, finds them 'disheartening.')

• He then preps a pre-excuse by saying he isn't sure if the game will even run--he hasn't tried it before.
  "If it's really, really bad," he teases, "I can maybe rope Brad into playing it." (Surprisingly, no chat fools take the obvious pandering incentive bait).

• 2:12. Someone asks how long his hair is. Spoony awkwardly preens and tugs at his ponytail, thinking of a way to measure it. He eventually decides to just give a half-assed answer: "below nipple length."

• Spoony coyly mutters "what else gross can I do before I start?" Resolving that there isn't much, he finishes picking his teeth and chugging his nice healthy soda, ties up his long hair (which he complains is always in his face). And proceeds to ... dick around some more.

• 'Malice430' throws $9.99 at him facetiously to get a haircut.
  Spoony responds by saying he probably will now (after seeing the free money for it, I'm sure). He wonders out loud where he can go get it for cheap.

• Spoony does some POWER STRETCHES!
  He asks chat what kind of odds they give him. Someone gives him 10:1 odds dying in the first 15, which he immediately tries to argue against.

• $6.72 quote from 'geryainte'--"Hey Spoony man, would you consider streaming The Council sometime?" (Spoony takes a roundabout way of saying Yes, he will "consider" it. Since it is a game, and a title he has heard before.)

• No one gives him a chance at even possible victory (or even finishing this). Spoony snips that the game may not even start, while flipping on his headphones. And with that, we (technically) begin.

• The game starts up OK, which is good for Spoony because he can immediately find something to criticize about it (in this case, the sound).

• 15:16. After a few minutes of lame commentary and fiddling with the controls, someone in chat asks "WHEN DID YOU GET SO FAT." Spoony tries to brush it off by saying his head is misleadingly fat or something.
  He continues wandering in the wilderness, dropping hints that "it'll be a really short playthrough" if he dies too soon and gets sent back to the beginning.

• $5.74 quote from 'Travis Tee'--"did you ever finish the Resident Evil: Biohazard playthrough?" (Spoony ignores, keeps threatening to cut the stream short)

• Only quote from Hurricane_Maria_Andy worth mentioning: "This newspaper needs an editor more than I do."
  Spoony starts to rationalize how a jump scare/loud noise will serve to piss him off more than scare him, which will be a worse thing.

• Single frame skips are starting to bother him. As is the narrow single-textured maze-like hallway.

• 31:00. Noah has a droop mouth seizure.

• Spoony starts to get more comfortable and banter while in the disgusting, creepy kids room (naturally).

• Soon after, he ends up getting captured into the black and white naked torture room. At first he is amused and giggles at the bad villian pantomime and graphics. But then the game makes an ear splitting death scream that kills his ears.
  He happily laughs like a lunatic for a minute after. The game crashes at this point back to the desktop.

But wait! We're not done!
Noah still streams for another 25 minutes!


Get ready for OOOOVEEEERTIIIIME!!!!

• First, Noah starts doing a weird ostrich impression and starts trying to process the villain scene.
  Now settled back down, he confidently proclaims the game terrible.

• Spoony admits he heard Yanni. (He also must be proud of his warbling noises, as he does them intermittently for the rest of the stream.)

• Even after being informed the game has multiple endings, Spoony flatly refuses to play it again. "I'm going to load it up, then … that sound. I'm not scared. It's the sound that hurts me. PHYSICALLY HURTS ME."

• He says he doesn't know what happened in that final scene, because he looked away to look at the chat. His servant cleverly says "there were like 10 polygons that attacked you."

• Spoony simply declares if that was the ending then "I WON!!"
  "I demand my prize!" he smugly requests the universe. (It was a bad ending, but he says he still won, and thus beat all the odds given earlier).

• To appease chat, he starts the game up again to see if anything different happens. It doesn't, as he figures, so he quits as soon as the cutscene ends. "I'm not doing that again. I'm just not curious enough." He insists there is no more plot to the game than what he encountered.

• Noah feels somewhat empty that he doesn't have more to analyze. So instead he starts stuffing his face again and rubs his 'victory' to chat between bites. "I think we've all proven who the real fool is, here."

• He asks what else chat wants to play. As you all might have guessed, he then spends the remaining 15 minutes shooting down every single suggestion.
  • Thinking back on the last Batman stream, he concludes that first chapter was "really bad." He nitpicks the casino in particular, and ultimately feels the engine was probably inadequate and to blame for its failure.
    (After shitting on it, of course, he says he should play the second one to see what happens with Harley.)
  • Spoony says he won't eat in front of everyone (any more), so he'll try to come up with another game.
    Power Drill Massacre has now officially pissed him off. Especially since he never heard the sound of a power drill in the game. 10 minutes to go.
  • He says he downloaded SCP Containment Breach but doesn't know anything about it, just seems like running around more samey graysteel hallways, blah blah excuses.
    He then spends several minutes reading the description on Steam.
  • "If we're still alive in 2023---yes. I will play FF7 with you. Big if."
  • Alien Isolation is also terrible in his opinion. "Why do people like that game? … Don’t answer that."
    Remembering that he did in fact play and stream it, he comments that it was scary for him the first time, but it got annoying after playing 45 minutes of gameplay to get back where he was.
  • Spoony refuses Baldi's Basics (if it's not on Steam, he doesn't care). Several robots in chat all invite him to come to Russia, but even Spoony isn't buying that.

• Upon seeing chat desperately scraping down into visual novel suggestions, Spoony finally decides to cut it off.

And that's it! Looks like Noah will need at least a few weeks (if not months) to recover from all that severe mental trauma.
When (and if) he decides to once again go through the effort of pushing the *Record* button, I'll be back again.

[wulfenlord]

Well you guys. This is it. This is Noahs legacy. This is his swansong. This is what he wants to be known for as a parting gift.

Live Wires (what a faggy name for random streaming). 16 of them in 2020. 13 games. 9 with comments still enabled (out of lazyness, drunken stupor, or sheer luck, one may not be able to tell).

Spoilered below are those last throes, as this is likely the last content ever, I thought of having them handy for recreational purposes. And even though Tony might never grace us with a panhandling roundup of this last season, Imma provide at least a tally of his begged value and some cliffnotes.

Part 1: January + the first week of February

X-COM: UFO Defense - January 5th (bretti shure this is stolen or archived footage)
Flavor text: I'm going through the worst time in my life at the moment, with no end in sight. I have nothing worthwhile to say, so if you don't want to be here, skip the complaints and just leave.
Gehmpleh/sniffling starts rather quick, at around 0:30, if you can call it gameplay, and ends after 74 uninteresting minutes. Earned about 80 dollars from thirsty fags that will shovel even shit like this.

SpoilerShow

CHINGCHONG I/O - January 6th - comments disabled
Same flavour text as before, game starts immediately, and Noah ends it as abruptly as before, at about 69 minutes (the upload is corrupt and shows 1:11, but stops at 1:09), with the excuse of him not feeling well.
Point(s) of interest:
some faggot around the 50 minute mark with a 15 $ infusion: Look. I gave Noah money because I appreciate him. He doesn't owe me shit, I don't own him, and I certainly don't feel entitled to his future output.
Begging total: ~30 bucks

SpoilerShow

Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor - January 10th
The first acutally good game in ages, and he starts directly with an off-camera save (it's hard to tell where he is in relation to the story, but I suppose it's at least 5 hours in - but looking at his unlocked skills, it could well be over 10), at around 0:58 he begins questing at random - in a STORY DRIVEN game he does not SHOW the story or COMMENT on the story! Toe bee fairy he started the game in 2017, but this is rather a dick move. Also, for someone who preached gameplay-immersion and "actual role-playing" while having his dickstroking contest with Dick Garriott, in this stream he blindly follows the glowing questmarker. He is not even killing enemies on the way, or, as would fit the character, as in, you know, role-playing, sneak around them. Rather, he outruns them, until their GTA-cop markers fade away.
2 hours and 45 minutes later, Spoony is 20 dollars richer. Guess people don't like watching a deafmute without any entertainment value or at least explaining your gameplay, huh?

SpoilerShow

Darkest Dungeon - January 13th
This dense motherfucker again with starting from a save 3 hours into the game, and once again it's not consistent to his last save. Granted, again, his last stream of Darkest dungeon was 3 years ago, on New Year's 2017 (Who does that? And why didn't April pack her bags there and then?). And over the course of more than 2 hours, more than half of the time is reserved for him dawdling over adventure preparation, which, towbaeferry, is the point of the game, but not in a NO COMMENTARY run!
Loot of this haul: 30 shekels

SpoilerShow

Middle-Earth: Shadow of War - January 19th & 27th
First time he shows his ugly mug again, yay! And, alas, new flovor text: I apologize if I don't say much. I'm at a low-point in my life and there's no end in sight. And, as is his fashion, he doesn't start at the beginning, but plunges into the game with his Lvl. 12 save
Key note:
At 36 minutes some faggot called B.H. Grimes comes swooping in with a 100$ paycheck and saying something along the lines that "his community cares about him" - overall, he made out with some 225 dollars in the first video, and some 65 in the second, so just under 300 for less than 3 hours of "work"

SpoilerShow

Dark Souls III - February 6th
Massmurderer__Andy says it best at 0:44: "Uhhh" - Prepare your anusses for 3 hours of The Loony One not knowing how to play a Souls game. After a rather quick 10 minutes of character creation (lightning-fast for his standards) we're off to boredom. As he is wont to do, he proceeds to die the first half hour to an ice monster. The next 30 minutes he keeps dying to some demon knight, allthewhile getting praise from his sycophants. Because this was way too much action (remember his heart condition), the remaining two hours are spent running around aimlessly, talking to NPCs, and fiddling about in his inventory. His income stopped at somewhere around 95 bucks.

SpoilerShow

So yeah, some 550 dollarinhos for 5 weeks of low-effort, no-commentary, shit-gameplay spanning around 14 hours? Could he have kept the Orc and the house with it? Fuck no, but why did he stop the effort in the first place? Sadly, as he's a raving narcissist, he will never tell.

Until next episode, where I'll sum up the streams until his penultimate show.