Kassandra Killjoy: Paranormal Private-Eye "The Search for the Swordsman" - A short story cosplaying as a novel by peeRod

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Don't need lead in the water if you have lead in the head.

And time for more concept art!

Looking forward to Killjoy calling Dollface "Chucky". Also those are some stupid assassin weapons.

The eternal simp, willing to change his entire story for a 3DPD.
Also how creepy is it for your self-insert to be so lovey-dovey with your insert of another person?

[Osterzone]

Seeing a pattern in Eric's taste in women. Hasn't updated her twitter in over a year, same with her other social media. Can't find that photo he's got of her on any of her websites, so how long has he had that? Stalker vibes, for sure

[wulfenlord]

>they/them

Prophetic, she certainly kills my joy.

[Musical Space Cowboy]

Is that how he flirted with Marsha? Saying she was prettier than a new Trans-Am? And that worked on her? Tallahassee must have lead in its water

It was the combination of huffed gas and meth. It's Florida.

[pibbs]

PENULTIMATE CHAPTER!!!
Chapter 7: Secrets of The Swordsman

SpoilerShow

Just a few blocks from the residential area of Obscure lies the abandoned business district. What was once a booming cavalcade of activity is now an empty monument of decay Calhoun drives our heroes to a defunct Fortune Cookie factory in his old, beaten-up convertible.

Killjoy, Mad, and Hime follow Calhoun into the building. Killjoy keeps her broom trained on him, unwilling to give him a shred of trust.

"Every great now and then, Charles would meet me here whenever he owed me money or gave me this costume,' Calhoun explains. "'He owes me a little extra scratch since I made my cameo appearance at The Court of Darkness. He said he'd give me a bonus after the fact to cover the added danger of making an appearance in a room with the seven most powerful monsters on the face of the Earth."

"Yeah, really brave," Mad says sarcastically. I loved how you ran from a high schooler on a skateboard."

"Hey, the lump on the back of my head says i made the right choice! Oh, and you' re welcome, by the way."

"For what?" Killjoy protests.

"If I hadn't shown up, you two would be toast."

Mad rolls her eyes. "My hero."

Suddenly, Killjoy raises her hand, signaling everyone to stop. "'Mad, look."

Killjoy points at a large, open section of the factory where a commotion took place. Broken crates and fortune cookie packages litter the floor.

Mad takes her eyes off Calhoun and looks. The fake Swordsman takes advantage of the momentary distraction, grabs a nearby shelf, knocks it over on Mad, and runs for it.

Killjoy quickly pulls the shelf off Mad, but when her young companion is free, the fake Swordsman is gone.

Mad is unscathed but frustrated by Calhoun's escape.

"Son of a - ! How does he keep getting away?"

"Not important right now," Killjoy reassures. ""Mad, something important went down here." She picks up some dust from the area where the commotion took place. "'Just over two days ago."

"Around the time my dad hired you," Mad chimes in, enthusiastically.

"Exactly. Look at the footprints. There were five. no, six people here. There was some kind of ruckus. One of them was ambushed and set upon by the others. He made his escape through that door."

Killjoy points to the back exit. Our heroes exit through the back and into the street, but it is just as empty as the rest of the block.

Killjoy takes out her magnifying glass and examines the ground. "The fleeing man was wounded, and he went that way." Killjoy points in a westward direction.

"How do you know he was wounded?" Mad asks, hesitantly

"Cause there's a trail of blood heading that way.'

"Oh my God! Is it my dad? Was my dad hurt?"

"I can't tell if it was your dad by a bloodstain. I don't have the ingredients for an identification spell, nor do I have a forensics lab in my pocket. The best we can do is follow the blood trail."

"How are we going to do that? It's barely visible."

"Yeah, that's why I have to make a booty call."

Mad raises her eyebrows in confusion as Killjoy presses a button on her cell phone and holds the receiver to her ear. "'Hey, Gar... Yeah, it's me... Um, an overcoat and a wide-brimmed hat. Why do you need to know that?" Mad shakes her head in disapproval. "Anyhoo, remember when you said to call if I needed anything? Yeah, I'm going to need Toby."

Moments later, The Witch, The Human, and The Cat race down the streets of Obscure. Killjoy runs ahead, being led by a big, dumb-looking vampire at the end of a leash.

"You use a vampire as a bloodhound?" Mad exclaims.

""No creature is better at following a blood trail,' the Witch reassures her.

Within minutes, Toby leads our heroes to a familiar location. A sickening feeling begins to settle in the pit of Mad's stomach. Oh no, this is my building. Our building, Something bad has happened to my dad."

"Don't lose hope, Mad. We're not done following Toby," Killjoy assures her.

They follow the dumb vamp to a service entrance on the side of the building. The door has a combination lock on it. Killjoy just points her broom at the lock and blows the door open.

The service entrance takes them down a flight of steps, and soon they find themselves in a sub-basement. It is immediately apparent that The Swordsman used this room as his base of operations. Many paintings and relics depicting his adventures adorn the walls. Equipment and other monster-fighting accoutrements are displayed on nearly every surface and of course. the Heavenly Blade is in the middle of the room, jabbed into a big square block, like Excalibur.

Seeing the sword in person leaves Mad breathless. She momentarily forgets about all the anguish and worry she has felt for the past few days as she slowly approaches the Heavenly Blade. She raises her hand to touch its hilt as if some unknown force was drawing her to it.

Then, suddenly, she stops: something in her peripheral vision gets her attention. She turns to look. It's her dad!

Charles Chan stands on the other side of the room with his hand over his stomach, where he is wounded. His face curls into a smile the moment his daughter notices him.

"Baba!" She screams with unbridled joy.

Mad forgets about the sword and runs straight for her father.

"Mad-no!" Killjoy cries, but it is too late.

Mad runs right at Charles, expecting a warm embrace but instead feels the cold, chilling mist of walking right through a Ghost.

Mad freezes in place as the harsh realisation of what she just experienced fully sinks in. She drops to her knees and sobs in agony.

"Sorry, Mad." Killjoy's eyes glisten as she sheds light on this tragic moment. "'It's the Ghost Vision. It hasn't worn off yet. I was afraid something like this would happen."

"Did you know?"
"That your father had passed? I had a theory, but I didn't want to say anything until I was sure."

"T'm sorry, my little lotus," Charles interrupts. "I didn't want you to find out this way. I never wanted you to feel this pain."

"The Rewinder!" Mad shouts in desperation.

Killjoy's eyes narrow in confusion. "What?"

"The thing you used to reverse time in my dad's office. Use it now to go back to before my dad was killed."

"Sorry, Mad." She takes out the Rewinder and puts it in Mad's hands. "'It won't work. The Rewinder only affects inorganic matter. Witches are forbidden from bringing back the dead. You can try it if you like, but it would only affect the inanimate objects around you and nothing more."

Mad's expression changes from deep sadness to intense rage. "Who did this?"

"Pardon me?" Charles responds.

"Who killed you, Baba?" she demands.

"It was Loopin Shadows. He figured out who I was."

"The Squire?"

"No, child. That was merely misdirection. Loopin Shadows discovered that I am The Swordsman."

Killjoy's eyes widen with absolute shock. "Holy Hecate!"

Killjoy and Mad look around the room, and it is very apparent that the man in all the portraits is a younger and thinner Charles.

Mad focuses on an old photograph from the 1890s in which a young Charles is seen wearing The Swordsman's signature bowler hat while working on the railroads with other Chinese immigrants. I... I don't understand how you could have existed for so long? Are you a Night Dweller?"

"No. I was as human as you, my love. I was going to live a short, uneventful life building the railroads of the American West, until one day, when something caught my eye out in the desert. It glistened in the sunlight with the brightest light I had ever seen. It was calling to me like a siren out at sea. There it was, the Heavenly Blade."

I abandoned my post and gave in to its call, drawing closer and closer, knowing that it belonged to me even though I had never laid eyes on its intoxicating beauty before that moment. Soon the blade stood before me, embedded in the ground like the sword from the Arthurian Legend. I reached out, wrapped my fingers around its handle, and pulled it out of the ground with little to no effort. The moment would have been more glorious if I hadn't been interrupted by my rail masters. Those stupid, violent men threatened me with guns and knives. They told me to hand over the blade and get back to work, or they would cut off all my limbs and leave me to die out in the desert heat.

"Then suddenly, with the same ease as a child taking his first steps, I dispatched my former masters. Not a shot was fired; not a single knife contacted my skin. The blade gave me the knowledge and skill to subdue my attackers, and it was at that very moment that my fate was clear. I was The Swordsman, charged to walk the Barth and vanquish the monsters that plague humanity.

"Years and decades went by, and it was apparent that the blade had expanded my life span. As my loved ones would age and die, I didn't. I continued travelling the Earth and fighting evil until I came to Obscure, where I met your mother. She was my first Squire. She fought at my side for many years until the day God gave us you, my little lotus, and that was the day my first love was taken from me."

Mad picks up a picture of her mother, Gabriel Chan, a gorgeous Chinese woman with a strong resemblance to her.

"After that, my life of adventure didn't seem as important,' Charles continues. "I lived to protect you and give you the happy, normal life I never had. I took on a new squire.` Charles motions towards Hime.

Hime bows to his master. "You are my Person. You belong to me."

"Hime, you can see him? Mad enquires.

"He's an animal. He could always see him," Killjoy reminds.

"Along with my new squire," Charles went on, "T also employed a decoy to appear in my stead when my presence was needed, but my skills were not. After all, the legend of The Swordsman was far more powerful than any ability bestowed upon me by The Heavenly Blade. And thus,I discovered the greatest secret identity; a guaranteed way to never be suspected as The Swordsman. I would simply pretend to be The Squire."

Realisation takes over Killjoy's face. "Brilliant. No one would ever suspect Robin of being Batman."

"Exactly," Charles agrees. "No one ever seeks to challenge the faithful assistant when there is more prestige to be had from defeating a legend."

"That still doesn't explain why you started aging."

"I found that the less I used the blade, the more I aged, and after fifteen years of choosing parenthood over the paranormal, I looked in the mirror and saw the pudgy old man who stands before you."

Mad is in deep thought for a moment until the words escape her throat.

"Shadows. He ambushed you and killed you, but how did he discover you were The Swordsman?"

"My decoy betrayed me." Mad's brow furrows.

""Calhoun."

As Charles explains the circumstances behind his demise, Killjoy reconstructs the murder scene in her mind. She sees the interior of the abandoned fortune cookie factory, but without the debris and disarray in which she saw it earlier. Instead, she sees Charles and Calhoun having what appears to be a friendly meeting.

Suddenly, one of the shutter gates for the loading dock rolls open. Loopin Shadows enters the abandoned edifice accompanied by Mason, Rip, and Torn. Charles quickly dives for his sword, which he left on a nearby table while speaking to Calhoun, but Shadows fires one of his finger darts at him, hitting the legendary hero right in the stomach. Charles grips himself around the middle and crashes through the table.

Killjoy sees Shadows thanking Calhoun for leading them there and hands him a fat envelope that the shady cop quickly pockets. Shadows smiles brightly, with his shark teeth on full display, as he points at Charles and gets ready to fire another finger dart.

Charles is ready this time. He swings the heavenly blade and cuts the dart in half in mid-flight. The volatile substance within the dart causes it to explode. The villains are knocked back, and debris flies everywhere. Pieces of wood and old fortune cookie packages slide across the floor and land in the exact configuration that Killjoy and Mad found earlier.

When the smoke clears, Charles is gone, and a trail of blood leading out through the back door is all that remains of him.

The villains follow.

Killjoy pauses the scene before her. All the players involved freeze in midmotion. She makes everything fade to black, leaving herself alone in an endless dark void. She then fades into another scene.

She is back in The Swordsman's lair, but she is alone. Right on cue, Charles stumbles in, dragging his sword behind him with one hand and gripping his middle with the other.

Hime enters and sees the condition of his master. The faithful Squire tries to approach him with concern, but Charles stops him.

"No!" Charles orders, "You know what to do. Only Kassandra Killjoy can help Madeline now. So if you truly wish to honour me, do as you were instructed."

Hime bows in respect. He slides his tiny head into a collar with the USB drive he would eventually deliver to Killjoy, and gets ready to leave.

"Squire!?" Charles calls. Hime turns to face his master. "It was an honour to have served at your side."

Hime lovingly rubs his tiny body against his master's leg before vanishing into mid-air.

Now that Charles is alone, he clumsily walks to the big square stone in the middle of the room; the same chunk of rock where he found the sword embedded, out in the desert.

Charles takes his trusty weapon and reinserts it into the old piece of rock. He holds onto the sword's handle very tightly as he takes a moment to look at a photograph of him and Mad together.

"May destiny be kind to you, my little lotus. I love you."

He lets go of the sword's handle, and as soon as the protective effects of the blade are no longer affecting him, he is instantly enveloped in white and black flame. Charles cries out for a brief moment as the bright white flames light the entire room, revealing his legacy's remnants around him. And just like that, the flames die down, and humanity's greatest champion is gone.

As Charles's ashes float before her, Killjoy pauses her vision. She wipes a tear off her face as her surroundings cross-dissolve into the present, and she's back in the room with Hime, Toby, Mad, and Charles' ghost.

Mad continues to question her father. "I still don`t understand why you hid all of this from me."

"I fought for years under the misguided conclusion that I was going to just settle down with your mother and have a normal life one day," Charles explained. 'And then she was gone, and I suddenly realised that I had wasted our time together seeking meaningless thrills. I was simply trying to give you the life I should have given her."

"But Baba, I--"

Suddenly, Toby the vampire starts growling like a a dog sensing an intruder. Killjoy turns to the dumb vampire. "What's wrong, Toby? What's wrong, boy?"

A chill runs down Mad's spine as she looks. "Killjoy, don't ask me how, but I feel like something terrible is about to-"

Toby the vampire sparks into black and white flames at that exact moment. Their faithful bloodhound is gone before Killjoy has a chance to put him out.

"Ah, damn! Garrett's going to be pissed off!?" Killjoy protests.

"Sorry about that." A familiar, sinister voice comes from the doorway. "The little tyke was being too noisy for my taste."

" They all turn toward the entryway to see Loopin Shadows enter the room.

The King of the Slashers is accompanied by his bodyguards, Mason and Torn, as well as Sergeant Calhoun and The Grand Witch herself, Minerva Madrigal.

"You son of a bitch, I will kill you!" Mad threatens.

Killjoy holds Mad back before she can take any further action.

"'Stand down, ladies," Minerva commands. "You are outnumbered and outmatched."

Killjoy is exceptionally displeased to see the grand witch. "'Minerva, I F should have known you d fall in with a scumbag like him,"

"I do what is best for our kind, Kassandra. Mr Shadows makes a persuasive argument about the state of our world, and he is willing to provide a solution to change it for the better.''

"And what would this solution be?" Mad questions.

"Yes, that is why I came down to this disgusting, dusty basement,' Shadows responds sarcastically. "To reveal my evil plan to my nemesis and her trusty sidekick.""

Mad is taken aback by his retort. " Sidekick?"

"You sanctimonious simpletons couldn't even begin to understand the intricate machinations of my-"

"You're going use The Nail of Nefario to make more Slashers," Killjoy concludes.

Shadows just stares at her, completely stunned. .'But how did you. . ?"

"Oh, come on," Killjoy continues. "You're always pissing and moaning and whining and bitching about how Slashers are a minority and how unfair it is that you're ostracised in the monster world, blah, blah, blah, cry, cry, cry-"

"Enough!" he demands.

"I told you she'd eventually get under your skin," Minerva reminds him.

"Now, you can just create an army with a snap of your fingers and overtake the human world and eventually all the other Night Dweller clans," Killjoy further exposits.

Minerva realises Killjoy is correct, as the witch detective continues her deduction.

"After all, why just punish the lowly humans if you can finally get sweet revenge on the Night Dwellers who shunned you? How's that? Am I in the ballpark?"

"Yup, that's pretty much the guy's entire plan, Killjoy," Calhoun confirms.

Shadows eerily turns his attention towards the false swordsman. "Which reminds me. I am yet to compensate you for leading us here, Sergeant Calhoun." Shadows shoots Calhoun with a gauntlet dart in a swift motion, and the dirty cop burns to death, enveloped in magical flames.

Satisfied with his work, Shadows begins to give Killjoy a slow sarcastic clap. " Congratulations, Ms Killjoy. You are as extraordinary a detective as they say you are. Anything else you'd like to add?"

"Yeah, you forgot one major detail to make your oh- so-brilliant plan work."

"And what is that?"

"The Nail of Nefario. You don't have it."

"Ah yes, which brings me me to to the the real real reason I came down to this shit hole. Ms, Madrigal, if you please?"

Minerva raises her hand at his command, and Hime flies through the air and into her hands.

"Hey lady, you're not my person. I don't like it when you touch my hairs."

She holds up the small feline by his neck and points a long dagger directly at his left eye. "Give us the Nail of Nefario or I will gouge his eyes out and eat them."

Killjoy is appalled by the threat. "'Ew, graphic much."

Put him down, you old hag!" Mad demands. " You're wasting your time. We don't have the stupid Nail of Nefario."

Shadows rolls his eyes at the young woman's claim.

"Come on, Ms Killjoy. Everyone in this room knows you already figured this out, except for your human pet. So stop playing dumb. It doesn't suit you."

Killjoy lets out an exasperated breath as Mad realises.

"Wait, you know where it is?"

"Yeah, I've known since yesterday," Killjoy confesses. ""Your dad put it where you'd keep it safe, and no one would look."

Killjoy pulls Mad's skateboard from the straps of her backpack. She tears off the wheel that broke off the last two times Mad had an accident. She pulls the screw that is supposed to be holding the wheel in place, revealing it to be The Nail of Nefario.

She holds it out to Shadows.

He takes it from her with uncontainable delight. " And my horoscope said today was going to be a bad day. All right, kill them!"

His minions get ready to execute his orders when Minerva suddenly stops them.

"Don't be hasty, Mr Shadows. Kassandra might be lying. "

Shadows signals his minions to stop. Both Mason Abon and Torn freeze in their tracks.

"Let's wait until after you perform the ritual," Minerva advises. "Once we are successful and we know for sure that this is the real Nail of Nefario, we will no longer have any need for them, and then we can all take turns killing them in unique and amusing ways."

"Well, when you're right, you're right," Shadows relented. "Bring them along."

Mason and Torn grab Killjoy and Mad.

"And the Blade,' Minerva suggests. "Perhaps we should bring it along. We wouldn't want the next chosen one to stumble by, get chosen, and ruin our plans.

Shadows considers her suggestion with faint concern on his face, but he shakes it off as he issues his response.

"You're right. The Blade should be within sight to ensure the success of the expansion."

Minerva enchants the sword, stone and all, and levitates it, making the evil-fighting relic follow her out of the room.

Killjoy and Mad are dragged along by Shadow's minions.

Mad struggles with every step. " Where are you taking us, you disgusting freaks?"

"If Shadows is going to make more Slashers, he will need lots of evil douche bags," Killjoy reminds Mad.

"So?"

"So, where do we keep all the evil douchebags in this town?"

[pibbs]

A SIDE NOTE: I just noticed he didn't even dedicate this book to his dear departed wife. What a piece of shit. He's living his life like she never existed. Fuck it. I don't really care.

Calhoun drives our heroes to a defunct Fortune Cookie factory

Our heroes? OUR? Who's speaking? Who is being spoke to? Who is "our?" This is narration. You don't do this in fiction, unless it's from first person. peeRod has committed every unskilled writer's sin. He has no understanding of the craft he's trying to do, and it's apparent he did nothing to learn it. Fucking midget just rushed into this, because his mommy said he just had to believe in himself. Fucking faggot.

Killjoy, Mad, and Hime follow Calhoun into the building. Killjoy keeps her broom trained on him, unwilling to give him a shred of trust.

Someone tell this stupid fuck, that using a broom like a wand is stupid and burdensome. Why wouldn't he just have her use a wand? You're already ripping off many other better works, just go ahead, you fucking idiot. Anything to do with witches is going to get the Harry Butt Potter comparison anyway.

"Hey, the lump on the back of my head says i made the right choice! Oh, and you' re welcome, by the way."

Back of the head? No.
From the previous chapter, just a couple of paragraphs before this.

The skateboard hits the Swordsman right in the face, so hard that one of its wheels falls off and rolls away.

How do you fuck that up?

So Calhoun escapes, pretty easily, and these two cunts don't seem to think it's that big of a deal. For some reason.

"I can't tell if it was your dad by a bloodstain. I don't have the ingredients for an identification spell, nor do I have a forensics lab in my pocket. The best we can do is follow the blood trail."

How fucking convenient. What exactly are the rules to magic here? She's never had trouble pulling magic out off her ass before. I guess magic works the way peeRod needs it to for what he's writing at the time.

"How are we going to do that? It's barely visible."

"Yeah, that's why I have to make a booty call."

Mad raises her eyebrows in confusion as Killjoy presses a button on her cell phone and holds the receiver to her ear. "'Hey, Gar... Yeah, it's me... Um, an overcoat and a wide-brimmed hat. Why do you need to know that?"

I paused here for a moment. Pondering, why even peeRod's most sycophant fans (all three of them) can praise this goon for this stupid shit. What goes wrong with a person that they can't recognize, or are unwilling to admit, that someone they like (and him having fans of any degree is a baffling on it's own) did something poorly?

So, he lends them a vampire on a leash leading them like a bloodhound. Ok, a little credit for being original, I guess, but deductions for the silly image it brings to my mind.

The service entrance takes them down a flight of steps, and soon they find themselves in a sub-basement. It is immediately apparent that The Swordsman used this room as his base of operations. Many paintings and relics depicting his adventures adorn the walls. Equipment and other monster-fighting accoutrements are displayed on nearly every surface and of course. the Heavenly Blade is in the middle of the room, jabbed into a big square block, like Excalibur.

Priceless art and artifacts, in a secret base storing all of The Swordsman's valuable equipment, and any asshole can just barge right in? Not even a locking charm on the door? No, bathroom/office thingie like Killjoy has? No, wizard magic puzzle to solve? No, just a...

The door has a combination lock on it. Killjoy just points her broom at the lock and blows the door open.

A locker combination lock. A FUCKING COMBINATION LOCK!!!

Anyway, Mad's dad is a ghost.

"The thing you used to reverse time in my dad's office. Use it now to go back to before my dad was killed."

"Sorry, Mad." She takes out the Rewinder and puts it in Mad's hands. "'It won't work. The Rewinder only affects inorganic matter. Witches are forbidden from bringing back the dead. You can try it if you like, but it would only affect the inanimate objects around you and nothing more."

That's convenient.

Mad's expression changes from deep sadness to intense rage. "Who did this?"

"Pardon me?" Charles responds.

Did she fucking stutter, asshole?

Turns out it was Shadows that skewered his ass.

Killjoy's eyes widen with absolute shock. "Holy Hecate!"

Why is she absolutely shocked? WHO THE FUCK ELSE WOULD IT BE?!!! Ok, many monsters and evil demon things, BUT IT HAD TO BE ONE OF THEM! WHY IS THIS SHOCKING, YOU HALF-WITTED DUMBASS?!! Also, that "Holy Hectate" was stupid the first time, and it's positively irritating after the 12 th time. IT IS STUPID!

So, her dad turns out to be the Swordsman. They kind of treat it like no big deal. I suppose the shock of Shadows being a murderer still has them out of sorts.

I was going to live a short, uneventful life building the railroads of the American Wes

peeRod, you fucking racist. "Uneventful?" The chinese, toiled in the hot sun doing back-breaking work for less pay than whities. 10% died working the railroads, you uneducated fuck.

So, Charles Chan just happens to find the Heavenly Sword, out there in the desert, for some reason, and becomes the Swordsman. Oh, one little detail, peeRod, THE CHINESE BUILT THE RAILROAD THROUGH THE SIERRA NEVADA MOUNTAINS!!!
WHAT FUCKING DESERT, YOU RETARD?!

I abandoned my post and gave in to its call, drawing closer and closer, knowing that it belonged to me even though I had never laid eyes on its intoxicating beauty before that moment. Soon the blade stood before me, embedded in the ground like the sword from the Arthurian Legend. I reached out, wrapped my fingers around its handle, and pulled it out of the ground with little to no effort. The moment would have been more glorious if I hadn't been interrupted by my rail masters. Those stupid, violent men threatened me with guns and knives. They told me to hand over the blade and get back to work, or they would cut off all my limbs and leave me to die out in the desert heat.

So, Chan does the only thing a hero could do, he killed the white cis males in cold blood. To be fair he uses the word "dispatched." Interpret that as you will.

I continued travelling the Earth and fighting evil until I came to Obscure, where I met your mother. She was my first Squire. She fought at my side for many years until the day God gave us you, my little lotus, and that was the day my first love was taken from me."

Wow. So much shit to unpack in this little snippet.

• Where the fuck is Obscure?
• Having a woman as a wife? AND and as a sidekick? I'm turning you in, peeRod. Report to the nearest feminist re-eduction center.
• God gave you a daughter? A chinese immigrant, believing in the Judeo-Christian God? Racist! Outrageous! And how dare you not write 15 corresponding chapters of the main characters explaining the evils of Christianity and capitalism!! Your assests will be siezed and you will spend a lifetime in the labor camps, peeRod!
• "My little lotus?" You fucking racist! Your execution will be carried out in due haste.

Oh, the cat is the actual squire. The fuck would a cat do? Ignore you, until it wanted to be fed?

And thus,I discovered the greatest secret identity; a guaranteed way to never be suspected as The Swordsman. I would simply pretend to be The Squire."

Realisation takes over Killjoy's face. "Brilliant. No one would ever suspect Robin of being Batman."

I grudgingly give points for originality, here.

Uh... FLASHBACK
Shadows discovered him because Calhoun betrayed him. They show up, they fight. Chan escapes to his lair, but no explanation on why he paused to put the combination lock back on, or how he did it from inside the room. Remember, the lock is on the outside of the door.

BACK TO PRESENT DAY Loopin Shadows shows up with Minerva the Witch. Considering this is the only other witch we've seen, I'm betting this is Killjoy's mother. pee is probably setting up a big twist or something. These autists always have to have all their characters related and shit.

Shadows kills Calhoun, because peeRod saw this same thing in a dozen capeshit things where the villain kills one of its faithful underlings for no other reason than to show how eeeevil the character really is.

She holds up the small feline by his neck and points a long dagger directly at his left eye. "Give us the Nail of Nefario or I will gouge his eyes out and eat them."

Killjoy is appalled by the threat. "'Ew, graphic much."

I can't cringe any harder.

Want to guess where the Nail of Nefario is? I bet with a thousand guesses you'd never get it.

Killjoy pulls Mad's skateboard from the straps of her backpack. She tears off the wheel that broke off the last two times Mad had an accident. She pulls the screw that is supposed to be holding the wheel in place, revealing it to be The Nail of Nefario.

Because nails, screws, and bolts are the same thing, right?

"Wait, you know where it is?"

"Yeah, I've known since yesterday," Killjoy confesses. ""Your dad put it where you'd keep it safe, and no one would look."

And Killjoy deduced this. HOW? Don't know. pee doesn't bother to tell us. Also, when did dad do this? Why dId he do this? A weapon of mass destruction, and he leaves it in an easily lost, or stolen item, that is wielded by a slovenly, teenage girl? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!!

If peeRod hadn't escaped Puerto Rico, what job do you think he would be doing? Scraping donkey shit off the streets?

Anyway, they take Kill, Mad and the cat hostage, and grab the sword for good measure. Time to turn the city of Obscure into monsters.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Penultimate already? Ah, right, it's ridiculously short.
And not all that much has actually happened, hasn't it? You'd struggle to even get two cartoon episode's worth out of this. Pretty sure I've watched single episodes of Cowboy Bebop and Batman TAS that had a denser plot.
Maddy spending a regular day in her life with her eyes now open to the supernatural would've been a perfect opportunity to pad out the book and give it some room to breathe. Also wasting more time on this school might've caused him to realize how nonsensical the whole setup is.
But unfortunately there isn't much to write about Maddy alone, because thanks to our masterful hack writer she doesn't actually have a life outside of being Killjoy's sidekick.

"'He owes me a little extra scratch since I made my cameo appearance at The Court of Darkness. He said he'd give me a bonus after the fact to cover the added danger of making an appearance in a room with the seven most powerful monsters on the face of the Earth."

Thank God this is almost over. It's getting really on my nerves how he keeps telling us about how badass the villains are without actually showing anything to back up these claims.

"If I hadn't shown up, you two would be toast."

Mad rolls her eyes. "My hero."

Pretty ungrateful little bitch. I see Killjoy has trained her well.

"You use a vampire as a bloodhound?" Mad exclaims.

So it's not enough for his self-insert to purge mentally disabled minorities. He has to enslave them as well.
Also cats can also smell better than humans, if not nearly as good as dogs. Maybe the living meme cat could've been useful here.

They follow the dumb vamp

JFC cool it with the anti-vampiric remarks.

Anyhow, dad is dead!

"Mad-no!" Killjoy cries, but it is too late.

Mad runs right at Charles, expecting a warm embrace but instead feels the cold, chilling mist of walking right through a Ghost.

Mad freezes in place as the harsh realisation of what she just experienced fully sinks in. She drops to her knees and sobs in agony.

No reason to get so out-of-character, Killjoy. I'm sure she would've found out her dad is dead in the next 2 minutes anyways.
Also shouldn't his actual body be somewhere at the end of the blood trail?
(Oh wait apparently Swordsmen just spontaneously combust. Convenient.)

So it turns out who we believed to be The Squire was actually The Swordsman all along.
Then who is the actual Squire? I thought there was always supposed to be one? I get the feeling Killjoy's little history lesson just made everything more complicated.

I was The Swordsman, charged to walk the Earth and vanquish the monsters that plague humanity.

Apparently mean employers count as monsters.

Oh wait his wife was The Squire and he just kinda lost interest in his job after she died, and he's just been faking it ever since.

"Shadows. He ambushed you and killed you, but how did he discover you were The Swordsman?"

"My decoy betrayed me." Mad's brow furrows.

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to hire a comic relief cop as your impersonator. I bet Shadows threw a skateboard at him and then Calhoun spilled the beans to save his own hide.

"No!" Charles orders, "You know what to do. Only Kassandra Killjoy can help Madeline now. So if you truly wish to honour me, do as you were instructed."

Hime bows in respect. He slides his tiny head into a collar with the USB drive he would eventually deliver to Killjoy, and gets ready to leave.

So Killjoy has always been your emergency solution? Have you ever tried to meet her before? Or give her more intel on that USB? Most of this book so far has been her trying to figure out your fucking deal.

Now that Charles is alone, he clumsily walks to the big square stone in the middle of the room; the same chunk of rock where he found the sword embedded, out in the desert.

Is the rock special or something? Why carry it around all this time?
Ah, apparently you insert it back into this magical(?) rock if you want to stop being The Swordsman. Which also turns you to dust. Cool.

Oh noes, the bad guys conveniently show up.

"'Stand down, ladies," Minerva commands. "You are outnumbered and outmatched."

Killjoy kills giant werewolves for fun. I'm sure she can handle your goon squad.

"Yes, that is why I came down to this disgusting, dusty basement,' Shadows responds sarcastically. "To reveal my evil plan to my nemesis and her trusty sidekick.""

Did he just unironically call his plan "evil"? Did this suddenly turn into Austin Powers?

Mad is taken aback by his retort. " Sidekick?"

Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Probably would help if you had any kind of existence outside of being Killjoy's tag-along.

"You sanctimonious simpletons couldn't even begin to understand the intricate machinations of my-"

Scratch it. This is not Austin Powers. This is fucking ProZD.

"Oh, come on," Killjoy continues. "You're always pissing and moaning and whining and bitching about how Slashers are a minority and how unfair it is that you're ostracised in the monster world, blah, blah, blah, cry, cry, cry-"

Racist fucking bitch. Check your witch privilege.

"I told you she'd eventually get under your skin," Minerva reminds him.

We know. Oh, how we know.

And know the good guys get captured so they can eventually witness - and interrupt - the bad guy's final ritual of ultimate evil next chapter.

"And the Blade,' Minerva suggests. "Perhaps we should bring it along. We wouldn't want the next chosen one to stumble by, get chosen, and ruin our plans.

Boy I sure wonder if the final battle will involve one of the good guys pulling the sword out.

"If Shadows is going to make more Slashers, he will need lots of evil douche bags," Killjoy reminds Mad.

"So?"

"So, where do we keep all the evil douchebags in this town?"

University?

A SIDE NOTE: I just noticed he didn't even dedicate this book to his dear departed wife. What a piece of shit. He's living his life like she never existed. Fuck it. I don't really care.

It's 'cause his wife was the only thing stopping him from unleashing this horror upon our world.

A locker combination lock. A FUCKING COMBINATION LOCK!!!

Killjoy's fucking office has better protection.

That's convenient.

People die when they are killed. It is known.

Uh... FLASHBACK

It's dumber, actually. She imagines how she thinks the events happened. A bit like crime scene investigations in the Arkham games, except it's all in her head.

Loopin Shadows shows up with Minerva the Witch. Considering this is the only other witch we've seen, I'm betting this is Killjoy's mother. pee is probably setting up a big twist or something. These autists always have to have all their characters related and shit.

Nah, hack writers can't resist lines like "You look just like your mother", because apparently this makes it like even more tragic that the mother is dead.
Her relationship with Minerva probably goes more like this:

Shadows kills Calhoun, because peeRod saw this same thing in a dozen capeshit things where the villain kills one of its faithful underlings for no other reason than to show how eeeevil the character really is.

So far he's been doing a much better job culling his own ranks than the good guys.

And Killjoy deduced this. HOW? Don't know. pee doesn't bother to tell us. Also, when did dad do this? Why dId he do this? A weapon of mass destruction, and he leaves it in an easily lost, or stolen item, that is wielded by a slovenly, teenage girl? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!!

1. Stop being magic knight to take care of daughter
2. Do everything to shield daughter from the supernatural world
3. Hide the most dangerous magical artifact in the world inside your daughter's stuff
4. ???
5. PROFIT!

Genius.

Prediction time:

• The cat does something stupid to free the girls from whatever shackles they're bound by, starting the ultimate showdown
• The ultimate showdown will eventually boil down to a double duel (Witch vs Witch and Maddy vs Dr. Evil aka Shadows)
• The witch duel will likely try to clumsily explain whatever the fuck their relationship is. I bet Minerva killed her mom, or was just generally jealous of her or some shit
• The sword was obviously brought along so Maddy can power up and become the new Swordsman
• All bets are off on whether or not becoming The Swordsman will stop Maddy from still being Killjoy's sidekick
• Or if the new Swordsman will actually have the honor of getting the finishing blow on Shadows. Maybe Killjoy does some kill stealing after driving off the other witch. Or we get an At4W movie moment where the Swordsman powers up Killjoy for the ultimate broomstick blast

[Kugelfisch]

Alright, read the first chapter. Pibbs, you're both a motherfucker for actually posting it and a Chad for tearing it apart.

Only question I'll add are how the fuck people would catch up to a cat and why they are confused about being called puppies when they know they are werewolves.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

You see, doing a more sensible thing and having the werewolves start in (regular) wolf form to keep up with the cat might've giving away the amazing werewolf reveal.
I'm also starting to wonder if he ever went back to this first chapter after deciding later that the cat can teleport at will.

And them being confused by "puppies" is obviously because Killjoy is always on the cutting edge of monster slurs.

[pibbs]

THE LAST FUCKING CHAPTER!!!!Almost.
Turns out there's a 3 page final chapter and then a two page Epilogue. Not sure why this idiot didn't combine them.
Chapter 8: Peril at Preston Penitentiary

SpoilerShow

In a town filled with ghouls and monsters, there is no more terrifying a location than Preston Penitentiary; a Supermax facility meant to contain the most depraved and unforgivable members of human society. Ironically, its owner, the beloved billionaire Light Preston, is the most deserving of being housed in such a facility; he is better known in the underworld as Loopin Shadows

The King of the Slashers leads Killjoy, Mad, and the others into the main detention centre of the facility "Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Preston Penitentiary Purchased fifty years ago by Yours Truly for just this occasion. You will all be a part of history tonight, as we witness a new beginning for Night Dwellers and the Slasher Clan." He turns to his minions. "Mason, if you would be so kind as to show our guests to their room, so we can begin the expansion of our race."

Mason picks up Killjoy and Mad like ragdolls, carries them down a long hallway and forces them into a small room.

Minerva follows them in. "Ladies, I hope you find your current accommodation to your liking."

"What?" Killjoy barks. "'I specifically asked for two twin beds and a beach-side view. I'm going to give you such a bad Yelp review!"

""Oh child, you're always so amusing."

Torn puts a pair of iron manacles around Killjoy's wrists. The manacles appear to be enchanted as they snap open, and iron tendrils hold Killjoy's arms against her body and then close an iron ring around her neck, leaving her unable to move her arms or turn her head."

"You're not going to get out of this one, you half- breed witch,' Torn informs her.

"You cost me, my sister. So when this is over, I will cut you to pieces, personally."

"Okay, the turn-down service sucks. I'm seriously considering spending the night at a motel."

"Joke all you want,' Minerva interjects. "In eleven minutes, this will all be over."

Torn throws Hime into the cell, bound and gagged. The little creature struggles to get free but can't. Mad comforts him to the best of her abilities.

Satisfied with the state of their captives, Minerva and Torn take their leave, slamming the cell door behind them.

"Huh, she told us exactly how much time before the ritual begins. Interesting," Killjoy muses. "Mad - you okay over there?"

"Yeah, I'm great. My dad was killed by a psychotic Freddy Kruger wannabe, the world's about to end, and I'm in jail."

"It could be worse."

"How? How could it possibly be worse?"

"They could be releasing another Fast and Furious movie."

Mad smiles. "Don't make me laugh, Killjoy. I don't want to laugh right now."

"Mad, that's what we do. We laugh in the face of danger."

"No, you laugh in the face of danger. You're the monster-fighting detective witch; I'm just the dumb ass in distress."

"Is that what you think? Mad, this is not my hero's journey. It's yours."

"What are you talking about?"

Killjoy is legitimately surprised at her lack of awareness. "'I can't believe you haven't figured this out! Remember when we were spying on Shadows at the Court of Darkness, and he said that he would get rid of The Swordsman for them?"

"Yeah, and he did. He killed my dad."

"Yeah, he killed your dad before he made that claim." Mad realises there's logic in Killjoy's words. "Now, do you remember what Minerva said when she talked Shadows into bringing the sword along?" Killjoy asks.

"They shouldn't leave it lying around for someone else to come by and get chosen.

"Exactly, Swordsman doesn't die with your father. Someone else picks up the sword and continues the The legacy."

A sense of clarity takes over Mad's face "Oh my God! That's why he wanted to keep me away from this world. He knew!"

"And the moment you walked into that room and laid eyes on The Heavenly Blade, you knew it, too. Now say it."

"I`m The Swordsman!" Mad looks through the bars of her cell and sees Mason guarding the sword just a few feet away.

"Well, Swordswoman -- but you call yourself whatever you want."

"This has to be some kind of mistake. I'm tiny and weak and-"

"The daughter of two of the greatest warriors of our time: The Swordsman and his Squire. It's in your blood."

"But the sword is still way over there, out of my reach. We're locked in here, you re without your powers, and we have no way of getting out. So even if I 'accepted my sacred duty,' there's no way I could-"

"Mad, check your pocket."

" What are you-?"

"Shut up and check your pocket.

Mad reaches into her jeans pockets and finds Killjoy's Rewinder.

Killjoy looks at her with a confident smirk. "You're fresh out of excuses, Mad. Will you accept the calling, cross the threshold, and conclude your Hero's Journey? Or stay in this cell and continue to be a so-called dumb ass in distress?"

"Ah, what the hell. I did promise Shadows I'd kill him. "

"That's the spirit!"

Mad holds the Rewinder over Killjoy's manacles, presses the button. "Tempo Reversa."

The display on the Rewinder starts to count down to zero, and the manacles reverse themselves to the moment before they were locked around Killjoy's wrists. The heavy bonds fall off her arms and hit the ground.

Magical energy surges all over Killjoy's hands. "That's much better. Okay, before you cross that threshold, you'll need this." Killjoy pulls out The Swordsman's bowler hat from her coat.

""My Dad's stupid old hat?"

"Hey, that hat started as a sign of servitude, and your father turned it into a symbol that struck fear in the hearts of all Night Dwellers. The Heavenly Blade will give you power, but the legend of The Swordsman will make you invincible."

Mad smiles and accepts the hat from Killjoy. She puts it on and stands back. "'How do I look?"

"Like a big damn Hero. Now let's get to work." Killjoy holds her hand out, and her broom magically appears.

The cell door gets blown open with a green plasma bolt. Killjoy and Mad heroically emerge from the smoke. They see Mason at the end of the hallway, guarding the sword.

"You got this?" Killjoy asks.

"Maybe."

Not as reassuring as a 'yes', but not as bad as a 'no* Good luck. Come on, Hime." She snaps her fingers, and Hime's bonds fall off.

"I follows you, lady,"' the talking cat responds as he takes off after Killjoy down a second hallway, leaving Mad on her own.

The new Swordsman starts walking towards Mason, alone. Oh God, Oh God! What am I doing? What am I doing?

You're accepting your destiny, little lotus. The voice of her father responded within her mind.

""Dad? Is that you?"

"Of course."

"The child tears must still be working."

"I'm always with you, dear. Now focus."

"Dad, that seven-foot behemoth is going to kill me."

"That's what they want you to think," Charles reassures.*Night Dwellers always want to fool you into thinking they're bigger, stronger, and more powerful."

"They are." "They're not! You're The Swordsman; you're not afraid of monsters. Monsters are afraid of you."

Mad is overtaken by confidence and addresses Mason directly. "Hey ugly!"

Mason notices her, and he is not pleased. "Hey! How you get out of your cell?"

"I'm going to need that." Mad points at the sword perched on its rock right behind him. "So move or be moved. "

Stupid hat, Girl." Mason goes to crush her with both of his fists.

Mad quickly dodges his attack with a shoulder roll between the giant monster's legs and ends up right in front of the sword.

Before Mason can figure out where she went, Mad grabs the sword. The moment her fingers wrap around the handle, cold air rushes through her lungs, and the world around her decelerates to super-slow motion.

She can see Merlin and the seven Sorcerers crafting the Heavenly Blade. She can see all the Swordsmen that came before her, but more importantly, she can see, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is The Swordsman now.

She pulls the sword out of the rock, and a blinding light shoots in every direction. Mason shields his eyes. When the light subsides, Mad stands before Mason holding the sword and ready for battle.

" Any advice, Baba?"

"Kick his ass."

The big, dumb monster roars and charges at her like a rhino. Mad stands her ground. Mason gets closer and closer.

Suddenly, Mad throws the Blade straight up into the air and takes one step back.

Mason is confused by her unorthodox move and comes to to a a screeching halt right in front of her. Before he can question why she threw away her weapon, the sword comes back down on top of his head, impaling itself through the top of his skull.

The Slasher drops to his knees. Mad pulls the sword from his head as he falls dead on his face.

"Consider yourself moved," Mad quips.

"Very clever, little lotus," Charles compliments.

"Xie xie, Baba."

Torn rounds the corner and sees Mason's corpse at Mad's feet at that exact moment.

Without hesitation. she draws her sickle blades and runs right at Mad.

"Need help, little lotus?" Charles offers.

"Nah. I got this. "

Mad gets to work. She quickly dodges Torn's attacks and blocks all of her offence. Torn gets more frustrated with every repetition.

"Who do you think you are to challenge me like this? You are nobody, you are-"

Then, in the blink of an eye, Mad shatters both of Torn's sickle blades and runs her through with her sword. Torn is shocked by the sight of her death wound.

"I am Mad Chan, The Swordsman."

Mad pulls the sword out of Torn and watches her crumple to the ground. "Baba, if this the last time I talk to you, I promise to honour your legacy and make you proud."

"You already have."

Mad holds back the tears, puts her game face back on, and takes off at full speed down the hallway.

Killjoy and Hime arrive at Preston Penitentiary's security room at that very moment.

"Watch the door. Hime,' the Witch instructs "If anyone who's not one of your persons comes along, teleport them to the boiler room."

"Okay, lady." The feline responds as he takes a defensive stance in the doorway.

Killjoy walks over to the three dozen security monitors mounted along the entire left side of the room. She can see Mad walking away after defeating Mason and Torn, and Shadows making a speech in the main detention centre.

The Witch smiles as she begins casting a spell on the monitor with Shadows on it. When her work is done, Shadows appears to be in his human form from monitor's point of view.

Oh, this is going to be so much fun later.

With her first task completed, Killjoy now moves over to the window, which is secured with metal bars. Killjoy knocks the bars out of her way with a quick plasma bolt and jumps out of the smoking hole she leaves behind.

Outside the building, Killjoy's broom carries her to the rooftop, where she lands swiftly and approaches a stone gargoyle perched on a corner. "Stand to attention, soldier; I have an errand for thee."

The gargoyle responds aggressively. Know thy place, witch. I shall not take orders from a Night Dweller, nor will I interfere in thy matters unless humans are at risk."

"Hold thy tongue, knave! I am only half a Night Dweller, and it is my human half that requires your aid."

"Very well, then. What is thy command?" he says, begrudgingly.

"First of all, what's with the old English? It's the twenty-first century. Get with the times. And secondly, I need you to deliver a message to Detective Lancaster of the ninety-ninth precinct."

---------

Back inside, Shadows stands in the middle of the detention centre, delivering a seemingly endless speech surrounded by cells containing the worst criminals in the country

"'Glorious day, my soon-to-be kin. You can't have a revolution without evolution, and today is the day you evolve into so much more than mere men. Today is the day you join a superior race and you will stand tall above all others... "

His speech goes on and on as Mad watches from a catwalk above. Killjoy joins her soon after that.
"Did you get it done?" Mad asks.

"Yup. If we fail, we'll at least have a plan B."

"Suggestion: let's not fail."

"'Good suggestion. I'|l take it it into serious consideration. Ah balls, Mr. Chatty-Pants is about done with his epic speech."

"So say goodbye to your lives of mediocrity," Shadows continues, "and say hello to an eternity in the glory of the Slasher Clan!" The Slasher lifits the Nail of Nefario high above his head and plunges it into his chest.

Purple energy begins bursting out in every direction. The inmates within the cells get hit with purple light beams and transform into ghastly and disturbing Slashers Shadows laugh maniacally in his triumph.

He laughs so hard that he fails to notice Mad drop down into a kneeling position on the other side of the room.

Minerva, however, notices her immediately. The Grand Witch confronts the new Swordsman. She draws her broom and fires a plasma bolt right at Mad.

Mad reveals the Heavenly Blade she has been holding behind her. Minerva's eyes widen as she watches Mad take the sword like a baseball bat and swat at the plasma bolt. Mad knocks the bolt in the opposite direction.

Minerva watches in horror as the bolt flies past her and towards Shadows.

"Loopin!" the Witch shouts in vain.

Shadows looks down just in time to see the plasma bolt make contact his explosive gauntlet. His smile fades.

Boom!

A black and white fireball fills the room.

The effects of the Nail of Nefario cease as everyone gets knocked away in different directions.

Minerva is the first to rise from under some collapsed concrete. "Bloody amateurs! That's the last time I work with a bunch of filthy-"

Before she can finish that thought, she gets hit by a green plasma bolt that knocks her right into the wall.

Killjoy stands on the opposite side of the room, holding her broom like a shotgun.

"Hey, Minerva! It's been a minute, hasn't it? You want to catch up over a cup of coffee?"

Minerva gets up and does her best to collect herself. "You meddlesome brat!"

"I learned from the best."

Minerva draws her broom and the two clash using Shadows rises from the wreckage missing an arm, but within seconds a new one grows in its place. "Ah, that's much better." their brooms as quarterstaffs.

At this time, A white plasma bolt hits the wall behind him, completely missing him.

He turns to see Mad holding the Heavenly Blade like a rifle.

"Wow!" she says. "'I didn't know the sword could do that! Anyway. consider that a warning shot, ,Shadows. Now stand down."

"A warning shot?" he laughed. " You stupid child!"

But before he can take action against his new enemy, Hime appears before him in a defensive stance. "'Hey, deh stinky feets. That's my person; she belongs to me."

"First, I will kill your pet, and then--" Hime vanishes before Shadows can get a hold of him. " What the-?"

The teleporting feline reappears on his shoulder. He again tries to grab the cat but catches nothing but air.

Mad watches, completely delighted by Shadow's continuous failure. Finally, Hime appears on a control panel behind him. He once again lunges at the little creature, but it teleports away. Shadows crashes into the wall, accidentally hitting the release button for all the cells.

All the metal doors swing open, and his newly created army begins to emerge.

Hime reappears, hiding behind Mad's legs.

Shadows laughs wickedly "How delightfully appropriate that the first victim in our war against humanity will be The Swordsman."

"Hey, dumbass - how are you going to control your army without this?" Mad holds up the Nail of Nefario.

Shadows quickly checks his chest and discovers that it is not there, Worry takes over his face.

Mad's body relaxes into a very cocky stance. "You just turned two dozen of the evilest bastards on the planet into freaks, and I guarantee you that their first desire will not be to join The Slasher Clan."

Shadows addresses the inmates, "Brothers, don't be hasty, I--"

The newly created slashers quickly jump on Shadows and begin to attack him, brutally.

Mad slips the Nail of Nefario into her pocket and turns to check on Killjoy. She sees the witch detective fighting her arch-nemesis and quickly gaining the upper hand.

"Yo! Killjoy, wrap it up!" Mad instructs.

Killjoy nods and throws her enchanted pocket watch at Minerva. The chain wraps itself around the grand witch, and soon she is pulled across the room and crash-lands right in front of Mad. The new Swordsman takes out the iron cuffs used on Killjoy earlier and puts them on Minerva.

"No!" the grand witch exclaims.

"Turnabout is fair play, Biotch!" Mad replies.

Killjoy walks up and pats her on the shoulder. "'Good job, Swordsman."

"Not so bad yourself, paranormal private-eye."

But their praise is cut short by Minerva. "How dare you gloat, you prattling harpies!"

Killjoy and Mad turn to see Shadows covered in blood and standing over the bodies of all the new slashers. "Today was supposed to be a beautiful day. And look at what you meddlesome shrews made me do! I am wearing the blood of my brothers when I should be wearing yours."

"You want our blood? Then come and get it, douche bag!" Mad invites.

Killjoy is impressed by her bravado. "'Damn, Mad badass!"

"Thank you."

Shadows draws a collapsible axe from the remains of his coat, and without any further warning, attacks them. Killjoy and Mad fight in beautiful tandem, keeping the vile Slasher at bay.

A stray plasma bolt knocks Shadow's silver mask away, revealing that he isn't hiding scars, but half of his face is permanently stuck in human form,

Mad's jaw drops at the horrific sight. So the part of your face you keep hidden is the part that looks like Jon Hamm?"

"Now that's a twist M. Night Shyamalan wouldn't see coming!" Killjoy quips.

Enraged by their disrespect, Shadows becomes more savage with his attacks and eventually kicks Killjoy right through a stone column, knocking her out.

Mad lunges forward with her sword, but Shadows evades the attack, causing the Swordsman to stab the wall. Shadows drives her to the ground with a chokeslam, leaving the sword in the wall.

Mad has the wind knocked out of her, and she is too busy gasping for air to evade Shadows next attack. The Slasher picks her up by the front of her shirt and brings her very close to his face.

"What are you without your witch and your sword? You are nothing! You have nothing!"

"I still have this."' Mad holds up the Nail of Nefario, and before Shadows has a chance to react, she plunges the magical spike into her chest, and immediately purple energy bolts begin to shoot out.

Shadows tries to run, but he is just too close, and a stray bolt catches him in the back.

Killjoy wakes up just in time to see this. She quickly grabs Minerva and tries to drag her away from the purple bolts, but with Minerva's dead weight, they are moving too slowly, and The Nail's effects are getting closer and closer.

Killjoy trips and Minerva's body falls right over her legs, pinning her down. She reaches for her broom, but it doesn't answer her call. She is confused by the malfunction for just a moment, but then remembers that Minerva is wearing iron shackles.

"The Iron! Oh no, I'm too close!"

Horrified, the witch detective accepts her fate and shields her face from the transformative energy bolts heading her way. Suddenly, Hime lands on top of her and Minerva and teleports them away just in time. The energy fully envelops the room.

Killjoy opens her eyes to find that she, Minerva,and Hime are now back on the prison's roof.

"Oy!" the stone gargoyle calls out. "You ain't back for another favour, are you?"

Killjoy ignores the rude sentry and turns to face her teleporting cat. "Oh, you are going to get so many tunas."

"In my mouff."

Meanwhile, back in the main detention centre, all the dead slashers revert to their human form under the effects of the Nail. And then, just as quickly as the energy storm began, it ends with Mad pulling the nail from her chest, leaving a terrible wound.

She drops the Nail of Nefario to the ground, holds the wound with one hand, and reaches for her sword with the other. The moment her fingers wrap around the Heavenly Blade, white light engulfs her entire body, and her wounds are healed.

"Thank God that worked."

Shadows wakes up and sees his reflection in a broken piece of glass on the ground. He's human. "No. No!"

Mad stands by, satisfied with her work. "Try hiding your human side now, Ahole!"

To her surprise, the villain bows before her. "Benevolent Swordsman tried and true, grant this villain a swift death."

"I have to respectfully decline,'' Mad answers.

"But you said you'd kill me!"

"No, I said I would kill Loopin Shadows, and I did. He's gone. I have no beef with Light Preston. He's just a rich douche bag that now has to live with the indignity of being human, Not to mention the humiliation of getting knocked out by a ninety-pound girl."

"What?"

Mad punches him right across the face. Preston hits the ground pathetically.

Mad shakes her hand, feeling the consequences "Ouch! Punching hurts!"

"Yeah, sorry about that," Killjoy says as she walks up, handing her an ice pack from her coat.

Mad puts the pack on her hand.

"If it's any consolation, it looked cool," Killjoy assures.

They walk over to Minerva, and Mad removes the manacles.

'You`re letting me go?" the Grand Witch questions.

"We promise not to breathe a word of your involvement to the Holy Alliance," Killjoy negotiates, *as long as you swear not to align yourself with more extremists."

"We already lost one member of The Court of Darkness to that jerk wad,' Mad adds. "There's no sense in losing two."

"Deal?" Killjoy holds out her hand.

Minerva takes an exasperated breath. "Deal."

Minerva and Killjoy shake hands. With this, the Grand Witch goes to leave.

"Oh, and Minerva..." Mad detains her. The Witch turns to face The Swordsman. "If you step out of line one more time, I'm going to put this sword through your face."

Minerva nods and takes her leave.

"You dumb harpies!" Light Preston shouts.

"Damn, I thought I knocked him out,' Mad says, disappointed.

"You think you've won..."

"Yeah, pretty much,' Killjoy proclaims.

"T'm rich, you ignorant floosies! You think I'm bad? Wait until you meet my lawyers!"

Suddenly the doors burst open, and dozens of police officers flood the room. Preston's confidence lessens. The officers surround Preston and instruct him not to move.

Soon Detective Lankaster enters, followed by a short, bald, pudgy man.

The detective addresses the businessman formally "'Good morning, Mr. Preston. We received a rather disturbing anonymous tip claiming that you broke into this prison in the middle of the night and started slaughtering the inmates with an axe."

Preston is outraged. That's preposterous. What proof do you-"

Lankaster looks down at the corpses at his feet and the bloody axe next to him.

Officers immediately move in and handcuff the former Slasher.

"Proof? The pudgy man chimes in. I have surveillance footage of you murdering these men, you sick-"

"It's okay, Warden,' Lankaster interrupts. "We'll make sure justice is served."

"When you called me to tell me what I might find here today,"' the Warden begins, "I thought it was a demented prank, but thank God I listened; otherwise I would have shown up this morning and found this!" He gestures toward all the corpses, shocked.

"I was the one who called in the tip-off, Warden." Killjoy speaks up as she and Mad stepped forward, dressed in professional business suits.

"And who are you, young lady?"

"Ah, this is private investigator Kassandra Killjoy," Lankaster explains, "and her assistant Madeline Chan. They`re friends of the department."

They shake hands with the warden.

"How`d you get mixed up in this, Killjoy?" Lankaster asks.

"I was helping Mad look into the disappearance of her father. When I found evidence that Mr Preston might be involved, I followed him here and stumbled onto this horror show."

Preston's rage builds. "Oh, you think you're so clever, you stupid little_ "

"Get him out of here!" Lankaster demands.

Officers drag him away

"All right, boys, let's lock the crime scene down and call the meat wagon. We have many bodies to move. Warden, please accompany Lieutenant Cline and give him your full statement."`

Everyone jumps into action as Lankaster turns to Killjoy and Mad, "You will tell me what actually went down, later, over a cup of coffee, right?"

"You got it," Killjoy assures.

Lankaster turns to Mad. "See, kid, I told you we'd take care of you."

"Thanks "

They shake hands.

"And good luck with your new job."

Mad smiles as she, Killjoy, and Hime take their leave