"Class of 86" - Brad Jones' Masturbatorial Book Debut

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
Chapter 1: Everyday is Like Sunday
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs

I'm actually looking forward to this one. In no way do I expect it to be good, but it should be fun to tear apart. I never finished Lindsey's second “book” because that shit was an over-written, boring, pretentious slog, and it was neither fun to make fun of, or for y'all to read about in my synopsis. So, here's hoping for a “good” read!

And I must say the first line is great! And by great. I mean, lol, well just look at it:

At first, the future seemed boring to look at, even with the orange sky being interrupted by the passing green clouds, as if God himself sneezed on the atmosphere.

So, we start off in the Midwest of America that is now a sandy wasteland, probably from nukes. Why sand dunes, when nukes don't work that way? I assume because as Brad always fills his reviews with references on top of references, he's probably paying “homage” to some 80's apocalyptic movie. Which one? Fuck if I know.


Enter Diana Parker, a girl in her late 20s that is NOT Laura, Brad's wife, in any way.

Once upon a time, she was fairly popular at Lake City High School, located in a small Illinois town.

I really hope we have a ton of these Cline-esque (Ready Player One) descriptions like this:

As "Silent Running" by Mike & The Mechanics began to play next on her Maxell -XL-II C-90 cassette tape, reality snuck in before her eyes, and her happy place was gone, replaced by a depressing, hopeless future punching her right in the face.

Oh, Brad. Thank you.

So, Lauren, I mean, Diana was dancing along to “Silent Running” a weird, but good song from the 80s about a man warning his family about imminent fighting coming their way, and not to trust the government. References!

So, big city in ruins, motorcycle gangs, small fires lit in the windows of ruined dilapidated skyscrapers, etc, a typical post-apocalyptic hellscape. Wait. Oh, it was a dream. Fuck you, Brad.

So, Laura (fuck it, I'm calling her Laura) wakes up 10 years in the past, as a supple 18 year old girl. Kinda icky that a middle-aged man is writing for a teen girl, but you do you Brad, and that young wife of yours.

OH fuck me with glee, look at this shit:

Fully dressed in her leggings, crop sweater, and scrunchie, Diana walked to the kitchen with her Trapper Keeper in her hand.

And:

...she was instead wondering if the four Swatch watches she had put on her left arm were in the correct order. Pinwheel was playing on the small portable TV on the kitchen counter...

When do we find the Easter eggs to the keys for control of the OASIS? See, Brad? Anyone can make references in reviews. It doesn't make you clever.

There's a small discussion with ma and pa about radiation and not worrying about hair falling out? Was there a war already? No? Or are they just worried about escalating tensions between the US and Russia? Don't know because dad has a great idea for a Garfield joke (Jon's an alcoholic , and that's why Garfield is so apathetic, this goes on for two pages) as he reads the comics section of the paper. Remember those?

Her friends and boyfriend Vic (these fucking white bread names, BRAD) pick her up for school -

Driving the van was Bryce, who wore a fresh new pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses, sported a brown Flock-of-Seagulls head of hair...

Radical!

But wait! There's more!

In the passenger seat sat Lexi, wearing a washed denim jacket, complete with a neon green shirt, ripped jeans, and jellies... In the middle seat was Kurt. It was easy to tell that Kurt was the rebellious one. He was tall, wore a leather jacket with a ripped Scorpions t-shirt, and had shoulder-length curly hair. His girlfriend, Lilith, sat as close to him as humanly possible, and held on tightly to his arm... Lilith also wore a leather jacket, and with it, large gold hoop earrings. Diana sat in the back seat with her boyfriend, Vic. Vic, with his spiked black hair, wose a black suit with the sleeves rolled up and a bright grey tie. The Chucks he wore complimented his suit very much, if the look he was going for was the goofy side character in the plot of a movie filled with shenanigans.

I cannot tell if Brad is writing like this on purpose for shits and giggles, or because he's incompetent. He's a clever fuck, but I just don't know.

We get hints from radio news, “Russia warns this... Ronald Reagan, we keepin' our nukes that...” but he hasn't told us yet.

Vic tried to lighten the mood. "I'm actually okay with the world ending," he said. "I don't think I have enough time to prepare for the chemistry test Monday."

STFU, Vic.

But, fuck that nuclear war shit!

Diana looked at Vic to tell him something a little more personal. "We need to be quieter next time, baby. My parents complained about last night's noise level. They heard me tossing and turning, so I told them I was having a nightmare." "A little tossing and turning?" taunted Kurt. "Is that what they're comparing your love making skills to, my man?"

"When I fuck, you wouldn't mistake it for tossing and turning. You'd swear Van Halen was doing a live show in the next room," said Kurt, tempted to do an air guitar. "You're more like Air Supply, Kurt," Lilith fired back. This little bit of insult flirting caused Kurt and Lilith to suddenly need to roughly make out hardcore in their seat.

Brad, no. Just, no.

She seductively slid right on top of Kurt's lap. She not-so-subtly pulled up her miniskirt so that Kurt could easily slip his dick inside her in the middle of the van.

Brad did you type this one-handed?

"Oh, let them fuck," said Diana, being the cool parent. "At least this way they won't be caught fucking in the closet by Mr. Filter." "Hey, I like Mr. Filter," Lexi said adamantly, completely missing the point. "I do too, but I don't want him to catch me fucking." Diana said, and she, and the rest of them, had managed to officially ignore Lilith and Kurt having sex.

This is all on just two pages BTW. Then an entire page of arguing which movie they all should go see. Top Gun? The Money Pit? Hard Bodies 2? Dangerously Close etc etc.

Conclussion: Brad is not writing this bad on purpose it turns out.

Kurt knew he was going to be in for a rough morning of class. If he climaxed with Lilith, then he would be very sleepy in his first period. If he didn't climax, then he would miss half of the first period because of having to rub one out in the men's room to get rid of the blue balls. Lilith slid off of Kurt as the van parked, while Kurt kept the mystery of his climax a secret.

I... I'm speechless. LOL. I did not expect this kind of story. But I should have.

Oh no! The chemistry test! This is a job for a nerd!

Fletcher Van Patten was the type of person you can immediately envision in your head just based on his name alone. He was their high school’s main nerd...

Oh, Brad. You're a national treasure.

End of chapter.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

I could almost understand mentioning the model of the cassette tape player, but did he really have to specify the exact model of the tape itself? They all look the same for anyone but tape otakus, and since she was listening to it it had to be inside the fucking player, making it even harder to get a "good look" at it.

So, we start off in the Midwest of America that is now a sandy wasteland, probably from nukes. Why sand dunes, when nukes don't work that way? I assume because as Brad always fills his reviews with references on top of references, he's probably paying “homage” to some 80's apocalyptic movie. Which one? Fuck if I know.

Dunno if this is a reference to anything in particular. Isn't this a general meme for post-apocalyptic stories set in the USA? That the entire place turns into a desert the instant nukes drop? And that hack writers don't know that there are more types of deserts than actual genders?

[pibbs]

I would say you are correct.

[Complicity]

he's probably paying “homage” to some 80's apocalyptic movie. Which one? Fuck if I know.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silent_Running

I was looking for that 80s song, and this popped out first.

Her friends and boyfriend Vic (these fucking white bread names, BRAD)

If it's a reference to Vic "I'll smash, vote for Trump and then smash some more" Lasagna, and thus a middle finger in MarzGunt's bloated chipmunk face, all hail Le Baysed Brad.

Don't know because dad has a great idea for a Garfield joke (Jon's an alcoholic , and that's why Garfield is so apathetic, this goes on for two pages) as he reads the comics section of the paper. Remember those?

Garfield is the Sanic for the autist who's not into vidyas that much.

[pibbs]

Could very well be since she's dancing to Mike and the Mechanics "Silent Running" in the scene.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Very subtle, at least compared to Ernest Cline who would've wasted no time explaining this mind-blowing reference to the audience.

[Complicity]

There's a small discussion with ma and pa about radiation and not worrying about hair falling out?

That sounds familiar too:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/When_the_ ... 1986_film)

[RedLine]

She not-so-subtly pulled up her miniskirt so that Kurt could easily slip his dick inside her in the middle of the van.

It's super common to openly fuck your boyfriend in front of your friends in a moving van in the morning on the way to school.

[Amadeus]

I'm not even exaggerating when I say this is the type of stuff I'd read on DeviantArt when I was 14, written by fellow 14 year olds. However, this was in the mid-00s, when 80s nostalgia was just on the cusp of getting hot. People have been over 80s nostalgia for close to a decade at least. People are nostalgic for like 2008 now. People who have no reality on what living in the 80s was like are hitting their mid-30s now. He would have been better off writing his self-insert waifu as a scene chick - BUT - every single IN without exception forgets the first rule of writing: Write for your audience, not you.

Also - there is just something so viscerally gross about a man writing porn about himself with his wife as an 18 year old (that's for public reading) while she's laying next to you in bed pregnant...

But the real question remains: Is Lupa shlicking to this while hysterically crying right now?

[Complicity]

She not-so-subtly pulled up her miniskirt so that Kurt could easily slip his dick inside her in the middle of the van.

It's super common to openly fuck your boyfriend in front of your friends in a moving van in the morning on the way to school.

I wonder if this is something that Brad saw in those movies he watched when growing up, or something that Slaver_Brian's wife (whatever her name was) and JudoJake did in front of him.

Also - there is just something so viscerally gross about a man writing porn about himself with his wife as an 18 year old (that's for public reading) while she's laying next to you in bed pregnant...

There's something viscerally gross about Brad in general.

Fletcher Van Patten was the type of person you can immediately envision in your head just based on his name alone. He was their high school’s main nerd...

I can't envision him if his name doesn't end with a -berg or a -stein.