NCunt: Black Cocks Only

[Guest]

How the fuck, did this trash get publish? Like fucken hell

[Guest]

How the fuck, did this trash get publish? Like fucken hell

Because it's good.

[pibbs]

Axiom's End by HotDog Girl
Chapter 17: Men In Blech
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

They drive down to Santa Barbara, stopping at a Wal-mart.

at long last the opportunity came for Cora to replace the tiered chiffon maxi dress with jeans and a My Chemical Romance T-shirt on clearance. Which, okay. Fine. At least it wasn’t Nickelback.

She's got jokes, ladies and gentlemen. Old ones, but jokes.

And they drive. Cora contemplates a lot of stuff, but not any of it is relevant or interesting. This goes on for 2-3 pages. I'm tempted to post these pages, but unlike the INs, I will actually respect the spirit of fair use.

Small sample.

Now that it was no longer a life-or-death situation and she was getting some distance from it, it was hard not to be excited about it. She didn’t know what to expect upon reaching the base at Vandenberg, but she couldn’t help but spend the drive mulling on arguments that would allow her to stay on as Ampersand’s interpreter. She tried to rationalize this as a selfless act, that as long as she was not in danger of government memory modification, Demi, Olive, and Felix would not be, either. But deep down...

And on, and on, and on with this shit. Lindsay is trying hard to make her run-of-the-mill sci fi YA into fucking Hemingway or something. None of this is poignant, it's just fluff.

Finally they get to Vandenberg.

Having expected them, security told Luciana to leave her car at the gate, patted the two of them down, and scanned them with metal detectors. Then they were loaded into the back of a jeep, transported to another sand block of a building, and an even more serious set of people patted them down yet again. Ampersand had yet to make his presence known

Enter Special Agent Sol Kaplan, Man in Flannel. Cora tells him she's the voice of &, because that's what he wanted.

“He?” His expression finally drifted to Cora, then back to Luciana. “Familia Ortega. You’re like the Kennedys with aliens.”

Dialog is so hard to write.

Cora tapped her ear. “He uses computer software through a little speaker he implanted in my ear.”
“Implanted?” Kaplan’s expression grew more incredulous. “Computer software? Like man-made?”

10th time mentioned.

Oh! At long last, we get some insight as to why Lindsay rehashes things ad nauseam.

Saying “It’s a long story” felt like a bad idea, because then she would eventually be expected to tell the long story.

No, no you aren't.

Ampersand’s forced tracker implantation...

11th time mentioned.

“I’m really still stuck on ‘him,’” said Kaplan.
“What, gendered pronouns?”
“Yes, gendered pronouns.”

I thought this was a bad thing these days. Lindsay turn in your woke badge.

“Yes, and that’s always been weird to me,” said Kaplan.
“I can use ‘zhe’ if you want.”
“How about ‘xe’ if you’re going to be a smart-ass about it.”

Oh. Here's your badge back.

& won't show because of men with guns. So, Agent Flannel, Aunty, and Cora go outside. & appears.

That's the Chapter. No joke. That's all that happens.

[Vaporwear]

How the fuck, did this trash get publish? Like fucken hell

She has a built-in fanbase the publisher is hoping will buy the book regardless of the actual quality.

That seems to have worked.

[pibbs]

Axiom's End by HotDog Girl
Chapter 18: Nothing to See Here
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

Um, two pages in, and not much has happened. Just more Lindsian over-written prose. She does use “total shit show” twice on one page. They get lead down to where they keep the retard aliens.

...this pitiful refugee group, confused and holed up in a basement, so strange, so foreign in contrast with the drab 1960s military chic of the base.

Uh huh.

Most were perhaps a little taller than she was, despite that forward-leaning posture that was more velociraptor than human.

She must have watched Jurassic Park after half a bottle of vodka and thought, if I remove the tails and mouths, and make them white, those would be cool looking aliens!

All of them had smaller eyes and hands than Ampersand in proportion to the rest of their bodies...

Yes, Lindsay. That's how size differences within species works.

In addition to flanking Esperas, they also appeared to be guarding something on the floor behind them, a big lumpy thing the same color as their skin, roughly the size and shape of a beanbag chair.

A big pile of alien shit? An egg? Probably an egg. They laid a queen right? That's so stupid it has to be it.

Cora hadn’t heard the language before. Amygdalines had two openings on either side of their necks about the size of a deflated balloon that allowed air in and out, and it was from there the noises came, layering on top of each other like drums.

The first she's mentioning these neck balloons.

Aunty takes Cora and Agent Flannel out into the hall, and I kid you not, Lindsay rehashes the caste system and terminology, the power outage, and GENOME again.

After about twenty minutes, a flood of bureaucrats arrived, most of them military higher-ups. One of them introduced himself as Colonel Keith...

Colonel Keith?
Fuck you.

...an older gentleman who seemed to Cora what Keanu Reeves might look like if he had aged twenty years, gained fifty pounds, and lost all his charisma.

Did she take descriptive writing classes from Ernest Cline?

Next paragraph.

“Cora, can you come with me?” said one of Keith’s subordinates, a friendly blond woman with a tight bun. She reminded Cora of Meg Ryan.

Describing things is hard. Just insert famous person. Easy peasey.

“He’s asking for me.” Cora ducked back into the room, relieved to be in here with dozens of extraterrestrials, some of whom were pushing twelve feet in height, than out there with the G-men.

Yes, better to be in a herd of albino dragon-raptors than icky men.

Cora pointed to the beanbag chair–looking thing the two Similars were guarding. Now that she was closer to it, she could see that it seemed to have the same “skin” that the rest of them had, an iridescent off-white silvery color. “What is that?”
“That is our Genome.”
She had assumed the Genome would be much smaller, like a computer program or a test tube. It looked like a sackful of ostrich eggs.

Ugh. Disgusting.

Pequod amygdalines seemed to have very little in the way of material possessions, and if they needed something, they seemed to will it into existence either from their bodies or from pure energy, as Ampersand had with his “syringe.”

Lindsay's version of a sonic screwdriver.

Given the size of the Genome relative to the size of their other belongings, she figured that it must contain literal genetic information like stem cells or embryos.
Or eggs. Lots of them.

Or because the paragraph before it described it as a SACKFUL OF OSTRICH EGGS!!!
This is a stupid, stupid book!

“You’re his next of kin?” asked Kaplan at length.
“Our social structure is based on the practice of dynamic fusion bonding. Cefo was my symphyle.”

She's making shit up.

“There’s no term for it in English, so he made one up.”

Gotcha.

Anyway, & wants to take the retards and egg-sack and bugger off the planet. Cuz if they stay the other &s will soon learn the language and hack the computers. I don't know. It's what she said. I'm not making this shit up.

We understand that you wish to keep our existence undisclosed to the public. We can best accommodate that by removing ourselves from the planet altogether. If we depart, Obelus will depart as well.

Then this dumb sentence.

She had assumed that the worldwide Truthening was inevitable.

We get another sci fi trope. Why can't we tell people about the aliens?

“Because they’re covering their asses,” said Luciana. “They don’t want a huge lie and a metric fuckton of stupid mistakes to be made public. We’re heading into an election year. They’d rather just put off the consequences if it means not having to deal with them now.”

Because reasons.

Cora looked again at the twenty-eight odd existential alterations to the very fabric of the reality standing right in front of her.

Fuck you.

Guv'ment agrees to let the retard horde go, and Cora and her familia will need to sign NDA's. I'm sensing a twist betrayal for ebil guv'ment coming, aren't you? Anyway, they threaten the wrath of God if Cora opens her pie hole.

His shamelessness, how unapologetic he was about the total lack of due process, chilled her. Nils had always distrusted government agencies for myriad reasons, but she was beginning to understand the unique hatred he reserved for the CIA.

Fuck you again.

Colonel (fuck me) Keith lays it out.

“They’re going to ship us off to a secure location and wait for the controversial thing to go away. That’s all they care about.”
“Wouldn’t want First Contact going public during an election year,” she said bitterly.
“Yep!” said Kaplan without pause. “That’s the bullshit. But what I want is intelligence, and you are our conduit for that. So whatever you find out about them—their culture, their intentions, their civilization, anything—I want you to tell me. You work for me now. We clear?”
“This feels like a threat.”
“I mean, it kind of is?”

I read the colonel's words in Lindsay's voice just now. What kind of a pansy colonel talks like an alcoholic Californian housewife? “I mean, it kind of is (question mark)”

Ok, I find this next part a little clever. But just a little.

Cora moved toward Ampersand, stopping at that respectable distance of about ten feet he seemed to prefer. “Is there anything you’d like to tell them?” she asked him.
“I am relieved that your government has refrained from slaughtering this group.”
Cora managed to maintain the plastic, neutral expression she had been cultivating since this morning. “He thanks you for your hospitality.”

There. Now no one can accuse me of giving an unfair review. Right? Fuck you.

& assures Colonel Keith that the superorganism ain't interested in Erf anymore.

“He says the Superorganism would never invade Earth,” said Cora, repeating him verbatim. “It poses no strategic advantage.”
“Would there ever be a point where your species might come for our resources?” asked Kaplan.
“He says no,” said Cora. “Earth’s resources are unremarkable and abundant throughout this spiral of the galaxy, and Earth is too far from the Superorganism to mine regardless.”

End of Chapter.
End of Part Two.
We are half done, boys!

[Dingus Bajingus]

Having a character named "Ampersand" just makes me think of Dead Horse V8. Ampersand!!!

[Guest]

Dead Black Baby Interchange

[Poonoo]

“I’m really still stuck on ‘him,’” said Kaplan.
“What, gendered pronouns?”
“Yes, gendered pronouns.”

I thought this was a bad thing these days. Lindsay turn in your woke badge.

“Yes, and that’s always been weird to me,” said Kaplan.
“I can use ‘zhe’ if you want.”
“How about ‘xe’ if you’re going to be a smart-ass about it.”

Oh. Here's your badge back.

Like anyone would fucking use pronouns like that in the fucking 2000s. What an obnoxious cunt.

[rabidtictac]

Fucking Christ. The part with the colonel saying "Yep!" was awful.

[Guest]

From the looks of things Lindsay has given birth to two abortions: her baby and her book.