Books

[Kugelfisch]

Drei Dämonen tanken Super.

[Old Black Man]

Ah, Robert Asprin, the absolute chad that made humor in fantasy novels presentable, like a Pre-Pratchett. Sadly gone too soon and doubly sadly riddled by writer's block.

In Krautland his series has been well received also, getting all sorts of demon puns instead of the untranslatable Mythadventures (z.B. Ein Dämon kommt selten allein, Ein Dämon wollte Hochzeit machen, Ein Dämon für alle Fälle)

Right? I remember he had this great about the author where he described himself as having several lives, one including a deep space marine. Badass. I’m glad to see some appreciation for the guy here. Also cool to know about the title changes.

[Rushy]

There's nothing quite so beautiful as a British author writing American pulp fiction.

In three score years and ten, the state of the World may not matter to you. But it will matter to your children and their children.

Seventy years from now will come the time of the Eye.

Preceding him will rise up the ultimate arbiter of Armageddon - Nature. She will almost destroy the Earth as we know it. "Civilisation" will survive, simply because mankind is brutal enough to cast off the shackles of conscience and revert to predatory instincts.

Enter The Eye.

The Eye intends to finish nature's work and bend the World and its inhabitants to his will.

Through a solitary giant oculus, The Eye is able to project itself into human forms. The World turns and the "human" Eye, whilst overcoming many enemies, secures the support of the much reduced population.

But The Eye becomes bored and introduces a different kind of game, a game he believes he cannot lose. Many attempt and fail.

There is but one man with the vision to defeat The Eye.

His name is Dubroc.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

In three score years and ten

a) An American writer would've surely gone for "three and a half score years", just to make it more retarded
b) Unironically using scores sounds like a hack writer using the thesaurus too often in an attempt to not repeat himself
c) Especially if he uses the sane value two sentences later.
d) Scores are the worst unit of quantification ever devised. They're so bad there isn't even a way to translate it into German outside of just converting it into 20.

[Rushy]

Prologue: beautifully glorious pretentious backstory

fun fact, this book is the novelisation of the Queen video game from the 90s. Someone paid their voice actor to write this.

SpoilerShow

In the beginning of the end there was, “The Eye”. From whence It came, by whom or by what It was made, is not known. It is because It is there. Here, there and everywhere, It is unconquered. No one and nothing has succeeded in closing the Eye. From the beginning of time to time’s end, the Eye will have seen, will see, forever.
The Eye may never die, but It should. Be in no doubt, this is an evil Eye and It will triumph over all the Earth and beyond until and unless It is destroyed.
Why destroy It? Because It is there.

The Eye opened and did what any eye would do. He watched. He watched centuries roll by. He watched every living thing on Earth. He saw wars and pestilences, famines and deaths and he learned, by such observation, almost all there is to know. The Eye never closed and missed nothing. There was a Universe, a million unseen, but the Eye saw only the Earth. It held his complete, malicious attention.
In a world of humans, who close their two eyes in sleep and in ignorance, the ever-open Eye would surely be a king.
One of the lessons he learned, and would never forget, was that the most dangerous animal on Earth and beyond was the human. Each human being represented by death - on two legs.

The Eye recorded the ways of humans so that, when the time came, as it surely would, he could copy them. It would not be flattery of imitation, but a means by which he could better know his enemy in order to destroy it.
The Eye has decided, godlike, but not entirely upon a whim, that most of the human race would be annihilated. It was logic that dictated this course of action. If humans were permitted to continue in the style of their ancestors, their greed, arrogance and selfishness would lead to inevitable conflagration and the annihilation of the Earth itself. This could not be allowed to happen. The Earth was far too beautiful and the Eye had an eye for beauty.
The human race conspired in ignorance to despoil the Earth. The globe warmed, the forests were felled, the seas became cesspits of human detritus, the rivers were fouled with waste. The human race danced the dance of oblivion.
This was fine by the Eye, except that the humans, in a rage of self-destruction, would take the Earth with them and where would the Eye hide then? The mountains of the Moon were inhospitable, the Sun too hot, and none of the other planets could offer anything to compare with this world, the jewel of the Universe. Though he knew a lot, the Eye was not omnipotent. He had seen the past, watched anxiously over the present, but could not imagine the future.
He needed to exert his influence over the Earth and the only way he could do so was by assuming human shape or, better still, many human shapes. Could it be done?
If he was anything, the Eye was patient. He had no other choice. But his patience had an incomparable ally - Time. Time that, while it permitted the Eye to accumulate knowledge, permitted the human race to do the same. If not on the same scale.

The Eye had to admit that humans could be resourceful and, like himself, were not averse to the learning process. They had conquered the air, captured fire, controlled water and cultivated the earth. They could, and would, go further.
They did. After slow centuries of progress, the human race exploded into action. In one century, the twentieth, they developed their resources beyond the wildest dreams of their ancestors. The automobile, the airplane, nuclear fission, jet propulsion, an army of medicines, the microchip, the holograph, the list was endless and the Eye was very impressed. Sooner than he had anticipated, it was his guess that his time was at hand. He knew that, however advanced humans became, there was an atavistic pitilessness within them that would seek, at whatever cost, to continue that advance. The weak would go to to the wall and the poor would become slaves. Only the ruthless would survive. There would be nothing more ruthless than the Eye itself.

Father Time nudged Mother Nature and the Earth’s sleeping tigress awakened in a fury.
The Eye was alarmed. Nature had the power to do what he himself intended. Such a pre-emptive strike would ruin all of his plans. If it had been possible, the Eye would have held its breath.
Nature erupted. She conjured up earthquakes and attendant tidal waves of epic proportions. She caused the islands known as Japan to disintegrate and eliminated the western seaboard of the Americas by drowning it in the now less-than-Pacific Ocean. Simultaneously, she melted Arctic and Antarctic icecaps and caused hot winds to surge north and south and collide at the Equator. Electrical storms pranced over the Earth and satellites fell from the skies. Rivers dried up and the heat of the Sun fired the grasslands. Not since Noah’s flood had the Earth seen such devastation. The Eye had witnessed that flood. It was the only time in history that it had blinked.
But Nature was kinder than the Eye. Destruction was not completed and the resourcefulness of the human race was allowed to flourish once more, albeit, on a lesser scale. The Earth’s Southern Hemisphere was a desert inhabited by vicious or terrified sub-humans. In the East there were several millions desperate for water and for food. The West was wild and desolately beautiful. Only the strong would survive there.
The Eye looked North. The industrialised North had remained relatively intact. Its canyoned cities had withstood the tempest. Its resources of fuel and food were well saved. Its always arrogant inhabitants imagined they could rule the world. Well, now they did.

Nature had withheld her Armageddon, but the Eye would not be so generous. If only he could manifest himself. He chuckled. Of course. Mankind itself must assist the Eye in his imitation. Thus it could be said that humans, as ever, would be responsible for their own fate. A fate they would inadvertently gift to the Eye.

[Kugelfisch]

d) Scores are the worst unit of quantification ever devised.

How about fathoms? A water depth measurement that is exactly two yards and thus not even used by the only nation that formally uses them, the USA, because they simply don't use yards outside of football fields.

Fathoms are mostly known for the Blancpain watch Fifty Fathoms.


At least Fathom is one of the greatest Bally pinball machines ever made.



Yes, I did very much mostly make this post to sperg about watches and pinball at the same time. You're welcome!

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

I know what it's like to have your hobbies take control of your posts.
And there's also The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, probably my only previous exposure to this stupid measurement.

[Kugelfisch]

You don't know the pain of having taken the pleasure of watching pinball tournaments taken from you because troon faggots started showing up to them within the last two years.
You don't know my pain!

[RAPEMAN]

People still wear watches?

[rabidtictac]

You don't know the pain of having taken the pleasure of watching pinball tournaments taken from you because troon faggots started showing up to them within the last two years.
You don't know my pain!

I watch speedruns occasionally, and those are 99% transsexuals (bcuz autism crossover) so I do.

As for units of measurement, I've become accustomed to reading about units such as "Catty," "Stone," "Tael" and "Li" which are old, stupid and no longer in use most places. But the books I read measure using those measurements, so there's no point complaining about it.

At least catties are roughly equivalent to pounds and Li is half a kilometer.