Star Whores: Diverse Agenda

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Cuckara
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Re: Star Whores: Diverse Agenda

Post by Cuckara » Sun Jan 12, 2020 7:41 pm

My ranking of this clusterfuck of a "saga":

1. The Empire Strikes Back
2. A New Hope
3. The Return of the Jedi
I don't think there's any need to explain myself; everyone with taste agrees that the original trilogy is significantly better than the rest of the franchise.
4. The Force Awakens. It's a carbon copy of A New Hope, but it's a competently made action blockbuster, whereas the same cannot be said for the other Disney Wars flicks or the prequels.
5. & 6. A toss-up between The Last Jedi and Revenge of the Sith. The Last Jedi's subplots are remarkably terrible, and Rose Tico stopping Finn from saving the rebellion is possibly the worst scene ever put in a Star Wars movie, but some of the stuff with Rey, Luke and Kylo is interesting. If Rian Johnson actually had balls, he would've had Rey turn to the dark side. That would've been an interesting subversion. Revenge of the Sith is just as nonsensical, terribly directed, and CGI-ridden as the other prequels, but the hilariously awful dialogue and over-the-top action makes it the most entertaining of the prequels.
7. The Rise of Skywalker. Adam Driver delivers a great performance, and Ian McDiarmid's scenes are fun. That's it. It's a total mess and is by far the weakest ending of a Star Wars trilogy.
8. The Phantom Menace. Hot garbage.
9. Attack of the Clones. By far the worst Star Wars movie ever made.
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Rushy
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Re: Star Whores: Diverse Agenda

Post by Rushy » Sun Jan 12, 2020 7:44 pm

Cuckara wrote:
Sun Jan 12, 2020 7:41 pm
if Rian Johnson actually had balls
that's a really strong point - for all of the Last Jedi's supposed subversion, there really isn't that much new or inventive that happens in it
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Re: Star Whores: Diverse Agenda

Post by VoiceOfReasonPast » Sun Jan 12, 2020 7:57 pm

He subverted our expectations that things would actually happen in it.
Really, the only thing that carries over to Rise of Skywalker is that two old guys are dead.
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Re: Star Whores: Diverse Agenda

Post by Cuckara » Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:01 pm

His subversion was basically "hey, see this thing that J.J. setup in TFA? IT LEADS NOWHERE AND IS MEANINGLESS LMAO!" It's also worth mentioning that he "subverted" so much and setup so little, he basically left Episode IX nowhere to go. It's like he was intentionally fucking up this trilogy.
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Re: Star Whores: Diverse Agenda

Post by Guest » Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:17 pm

It's not like Smoke being alive would have made Rise of Rey! any better. He would still have no back story and the movie would have played out in a similar way. That will happen when a woman who gave good head in the 70s is put in charge and hires the most inept writer in Hollywood to do whatever he wants with no supervision.

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Re: Star Whores: Diverse Agenda

Post by VoiceOfReasonPast » Sun Jan 12, 2020 9:25 pm

Cuckara wrote:
Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:01 pm
It's like he was intentionally fucking up this trilogy.
That might've been his intention all along. His hypothetical keikaku worked on multiple levels:
  • Smash Jay-Jay's precious myster boxes
  • Leave an unsalvagable mess for the bloke to do the next part of the trilogy, ensuring he can't possibly "surpass" your own movie.
  • For added hilarity, that bloke was Jay-Jay again for a double combo
  • Increased support by the fandom after they've suffered through the abortion that was the third movie (which you sabotaged on purpose), which will come in handy for The Mouse considering you're the main candidate to write the entire next trilogy
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Re: Star Whores: Diverse Agenda

Post by Rushy » Sun Jan 12, 2020 10:29 pm

VoiceOfReasonPast wrote:
Sun Jan 12, 2020 7:57 pm
He subverted our expectations that things would actually happen in it.
Really, the only thing that carries over to Rise of Skywalker is that two old guys are dead.
That, and the "Force dyad", which in Last Jedi was something Snoke did, but in Rise of Skywalker, Palpatine is completely unaware of, and it just exists on its own.
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Re: Star Whores: Diverse Agenda

Post by VoiceOfReasonPast » Sun Jan 12, 2020 10:37 pm

Speaking of Snoke and Palpatine: Both do the exact same "I can read minds and will loudly narrate what the guy/gal is going to do because I am so certain that everything is going according to keikau" thing. This has been bothering me for a couple reasons:
  • It's fucking retarded
  • For some reason Jar-Jar decided to copy one of Johnson's scenes almost directly, except dumber because at least Johnson's version doesn't have Force Lightsaber Delivery.
  • Palpatine, in this one climax to the entire saga, has now tried to repeat two tricks (lure Jedi to the Dark Side who really has no reason to do so / do some weird mind reading narration like you're some kind of director or something) that have resulted in spectacular failure in the past. Without learning a thing. If it wasn't for Disney ignoring the prequels, Rey would've probably had the high ground at some point.
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Re: Star Whores: Diverse Agenda

Post by Rushy » Mon Jan 13, 2020 12:38 am

I guess it makes sense on some level for Snoke to repeat Palpy if he's a clone made by the guy. But I did spend the whole film expecting for Palpy to have a cool new twisted evil plan, or at least something demonic and memorable. That's why I don't mind him dragging 10k Star Destroyers out of the planet - it's so insanely over the top that it's hard to forget. But the final confrontation, barring his use of Force Lightning on the fleet - doesn't really have anything like that.

If you're out of fucks to give, at least go all the way. Give us, I dunno, fire tornadoes. Resurrect all the Sith to fight all the Jedi in some idiotic lightsaber armada battle. Pull an Evil Dead and have Palpatine literally rain blood on the planet.

With enough excess, we'd have forgotten that they're just doing Return of the Jedi again
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Re: Star Whores: Diverse Agenda

Post by Tony Schiavone » Mon Jan 13, 2020 3:47 pm

Rushy wrote:
Mon Jan 13, 2020 12:38 am
If you're out of fucks to give, at least go all the way. Give us, I dunno, fire tornadoes. Resurrect all the Sith to fight all the Jedi in some idiotic lightsaber armada battle. Pull an Evil Dead and have Palpatine literally rain blood on the planet.
The time travel speculation would've at least been a unique way to admit to the audience they were recycling ideas.
...and still: Spoony did nothing.

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