NCunt: Black Cocks Only

[pibbs]

Truth of the Divine by Best Selling HotDog Girl. Lindsay Ellis
Chapter 13: To Pee or Not to Pee
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

Opening sentence. Kaveh is Murderguy. I have to say that because Lindsay forgot to remind you.

Kaveh’s main concern for a while had been when, not if, he was going to piss himself.

You know, I'm just now realizing Lindsay has a piss and scat obsession. Her first book Cora pissed and shat herself a few times. Telling.

Second sentence.

He’d been in similar situations to this before—not tied to a tree exactly, but he had been detained with no bathroom accessible. In that earlier case, he’d had to soil the corner of the room he was sharing with his photographer, and they’d agreed to endure the stench of urine in the hope that it wouldn’t come to having to endure the stench of that other form of waste humans are wont to produce.

See what I mean?

Anyway, Kaveh (sigh, that name) ponders his situation, written in Lindsayese descriptors.

she’d been gone, somewhere in the vein of three or four years, by his estimates (or maybe a couple of hours).

This cutesy writing annoys the shit out of me. Interesting though, the narrative at this point is from Kevah's POV. A man's POV in a Lindsay space raptor opera? Inconceivable.

Anyway, Kevah, in Lindsay Ellis trademark fashion, recaps everything that had just happened in the previous chapter. Apparently, Cora had duct taped his eyes shut. The fuck? So when she peels them off...

...he got a look at her.
No gun, but she had his pocketknife drawn, and she was trying so, so very hard to look like a badass. But looking at her posturing, he wanted to shake his head. She wasn’t a killer. She wasn’t even a maimer.

A woman looking less than from a man's POV in a Lindsay novel? Did Lindsay giive up at this point and have someone ghost write for her?

She didn’t look much like Nils at all, with her round face and slightly upturned button nose a direct contrast to Nils’s pert little beak. And of course that goofy blue hair, which in the darkness actually looked kind of ethereal, fitting, like what an alien’s herald would look like, just left of human.

Yeah, she's got a simp writing for her at this point.

Cora frees him and orders him to march. Nothing much happens except Kevah thinks over how menacing he looked to Cora when he was actually giving the stink eye to Sol the CIA guy.

After about five minutes, she said, “Stop.” He wanted to plead his case to take a piss,

Pee fixation.

Then he saw where she was taking him—a cave. Clearly, not a natural one,

Yeah, we covered that already.

The inside of the cave was perhaps thirty feet in diameter, rounder than it was square. The walls were glassy like obsidian...

I said we already covered that, dumb bitch.

There's them aliens again.

The white one stood over the black one, which was lying prone on the floor, practically one with it. There was black bile all over the floor like tar, leaking out of the creature. It was grotesque.

Scat fixation.

More painful writing.

“Sit down,” said Ortega. He did as she said, and she tied the twine around his chest, locking his elbows in place, and this time, she tied his feet. Oh, if she only knew that in a different context, he would totally be into that sort of thing (although ideally not the one being tied up).

Ugh.

And more atrocious writing.

Sunrise was coming; he might live to see another day after all, whee. By this point, Ortega had started to nod off, and the white alien monster wasn’t being so violent to the black one’s body anymore. He dearly hoped the black ones were the Decepticons, because what he was beholding looked downright cruel..

This cutesy shit, is this what passes for cleverness in Lindsay circles? Pop references to describe things?

Uh... & finishes up and starts to leave.

Ortega followed it. “Are you going to leave him in this mess?”
The white one stopped, turned, and looked at her.
“It feels cruel to leave him lying in his own filth like this.”

More scat.

Also, we are still in Kevah POV.

Kaveh shook his head in utter bewilderment. Okay, not Autobots and Decepticons. Maybe blackie had just had a rough night and his bro was doing him a solid. Kaveh had been there a time or twenty.

Please stop with the Transformers shit.

“If it’s all biomatter, that means it’s going to rot. I need disinfectant.”
This time, there was a long pause between her words and . . . whatever she was hearing, then she grew agitated. “Wait, how is this my fault?”
what the pluperfect passive subjunctive fuck

And that last sentence is the one that about does it for me. I can't take much more of this shit. The lack of punctuation is how she wrote it BTW.

After a pause, I'll just keep going.

Cora blames & for her hissy fit run off into the woods.

“You threaten my mind, let me wander off into the woods where you know Enola is running around somewhere, trust me with an untested weapon that you didn’t know the full side effects for, and then blame me when a fail-safe you installed to protect Obelus from humans succeeds in protecting him from a human. He could have killed me!”
The alien’s hands relaxed a bit, and he took a step back.
“It’s a good goddamn thing, then! If he wants to kill anyone, he’ll have to get creative.” She looked over at Kaveh, sparing a glance for the condemned. “What about him?”
Oh merciful God, now that thing was looking at him with its horrible demon eyes.

Then...

She turned to look at the alien, and Kaveh thought he saw a flash of worry, maybe even fear pass over her features. “How would you kill him?”
!!!!!!!!!
He nearly pissed his pants then and there. A part of him figured, why not? At least one’s bladder can know peace before one dies.

New York Times Best Seller, folks.

& transports off. Cora unbinds Kevah. He removes the duct tape from his mouth and says...

“I . . .,” Kaveh started, pausing to see if he still wasn’t allowed to speak. “I really have to pee.”
She looked at him.
“Is it okay if I go . . . do that?”
She considered, then nodded, looking toward the monster lying in a pool of its own black bile at the center of the chamber. Kaveh hesitated, still suspecting this might be a trap, before deciding fuck it, he was going to die, anyway, if he didn’t pee.

Guys...

He stepped outside into the harsh morning sunlight, his muscles electric with a night of fear, still not quite believing this was real, not sure if unzipping his fly was a good idea. What if he got zapped with his dick out? Maybe that was exactly what they were waiting for, those sick alien fucks.

… just...

It wasn’t even a good pee. It was the kind where when at long last the moment comes you’ve been holding it for so long that the muscles are like, Nope, sorry, buddy! The storm surge is coming, we gotta keep these levees in place! When he finally forced it out, it was more painful than a relief.

Would you think poorly of me, if I didn't finish this review?

He could even see the unnatural smooth floor. Yes, now was definitely a good time to run for his goddamn life. But it wasn’t going to happen. In Kaveh Mazandarani’s inner struggle between self-preservation and curiosity, a struggle that occurred more often for him than it did for most people, curiosity was fated to win every time.

And that's how this stupid chapter ends.

[Guest]

The editor must have looked at this and said "fuck it, just publish as is, it'll be a tax write-off at the end of the year".

Then he poured a glass of whiskey and wondered where his life went wrong.

[wulfenlord]

#WomenWritingMen

Ugh, men don't have girl bladders that need to empty every half hour, you stupid cunt. Also, editor? What editor? The last guy she sucked off to get this printed? I don't think he read that. You might be the first outside of her tranny fandom that does

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

This story having an editor. Good joke, guest

[Le Redditeur]

Her writing is becoming worse and worse after every new chapter.

>what the pluperfect passive subjunctive fuck

Oh, that's the Nostalgia Chick talking, it's from the same vein that brought us "Bug Lip Alligator Moment".

[Guest]

Oh, that's the Nostalgia Chick talking, it's from the same vein that brought us "Bug Lip Alligator Moment".

That's the stinger, really. For all Lindsay's preening and posturing, pretending that she's some deep, serious, academic intellectual, and a serious, published, NY Times bestselling author, at the end of the day she's just Nostalgia Chick and that's all she'll ever be.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

at the end of the day she's just Hot Dog Girl and that's all she'll ever be.

FTFY

[Rushy]

I quite enjoy imagining these being narrated in the most refined British accent possible(think Charles Dance)

[pibbs]

Truth of the Divine by Best Selling HotDog Girl. Lindsay Ellis
Chapter 14: Mr. Fancy Pants
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch


We start with yet another really stupid sentence.

A headache was forming that felt like a toothy parasite was gnawing at her left temple from the inside as Cora stared at the monster in the center of the chamber.

Then an amazingly bad piece of writing.

Ampersand had “drained” the “poison,” but the creature still looked like it had been sculpted out of black ink, an apparent permanent side effect. The technique Ampersand had used to weld him to the floor had been crude by his standards, like straps melded one with the glass-like rock beneath him like a straitjacket made of black steel. The longer Enola stayed there, all but welded to the floor of the cave, the more the effluvium around him congealed, and it was becoming harder to clean by the second.

And then pages of inner Cora dialog rehashing everything we read, and worrying about everything that could happen. Would Enola attack? How would she get out of there? Worrying about the reporter, if he got away if he etc etc.


Zzzzz.


Reporter guy comes back though, because he's a reporter with THE NEW YORKER. Lindsay, honey, the New Yorker is a rag that people like to brag about reading because you think it makes you look sophisticated, but no one actually reads it including you. You're fooling no one, you pretentious bitch. And if you DID read it, you'd know they don't have investigative reporters that go hunting down ET in the fucking desert of California. They have poetry, commentary, criticism and elitist satire. That heads-up-one's-ass snobbery shit you do, actually. Go fuck yourself.

Suddenly, the gnawing parasite headache exploded into a firework, and before she knew it, her breath was coming hard and fast, picking up speed with each inhale.

And your metaphors are like what a high schooler would write in her Death Note journal. Look at this rapid fire of ineptness and try hard.

in an attempt to halt the hyperventilation and backed herself into the wall. Her body was screaming for air, outraged at the interruption of its regularly scheduled panic attack.

the pain in her head had now migrated to the outer left parietal bone, as if she’d been bashed in the head with a baseball bat.
Murderguy was standing over her holding his hands up like he was being held at gunpoint, his eyes the size of small moons.

She felt her head to assess the damage. It felt like she’d been clubbed like a baby seal.

Basically, Cora had a panic attack so bad she passed out. I think. I'm barely reading this shit now. Cora really is a useless person. Best put her out of her misery.

Cora and Kaveh talk and we finally get that expostion that we needed three chaptrs ago.

Then it clicked where she’d heard his name before.
A journalist at The New Yorker had obtained documents detailing the detainment of her mother and siblings last year, a guy who’d sent said documents to Nils the second he’d gotten them. A journalist Sol had described as an unscrupulous “shitbag burnout.”

The fucking New Yorker. I still can't get over that. Might as well had made him a reporter from Mad magazine.

UH, then there's some unimportant banter when Cora gets a burr up her ass because this dude passed info about her family's detainment to Nils (her father) instead of publishing them in the New Yorker. Who the fuck cares? Why does this matter? Nils made it public anyway!

“I thought it would be the right thing to do. It was his family, not mine. And he was such a lightning rod, all eyes were on him. I thought he would get much more immediate results than I would have.”
“All you did was give him more power to boost his own celebrity. You didn’t have to go to him. It didn’t have to be him.”
“I’m sorry. I just didn’t think about it like that.”

WHY WOULD YOU??!! You're not Cora! This is pointless banter. Something in Lindsay's wine soaked brain thinks this is a major point of contention, but we DON'T CARE!!!

Anyway, Cora finally revisits her “daddy issues.” I guess after trying so hard to avoid it because of the mockery Lindsay got for the first book, she HAD to come back to this because Cora's whole character was wrapped in how much daddy wasn;t there for them.

Then the mighty New Yorker takes a flashlight to check her pupils for a concussion. For fuck's sake.

“Are you a doctor?”
He chuckled. “Yes, I am, actually. A doctor of philosophy.” He put the flashlight down on the floor, sitting it upright like a spotlight pointed at the ceiling. “So you can address me as Dr. Smooth.”

If I had a physical copy of this book, this is where I would have thrown it out the fucking window!

Now that he was less terrified for his life, his natural charm came out, and he was charming. He clearly knew it, too. Ugh, he even has the same degree Nils has , she thought.

Uh oh, Lindsay, your character is about to fail the Bechdel scale. I mean falling for a space raptor with roach wings is fine, but this is a cis male. For shame.


Pages of cringey, non-noteworthy banter later. Kaveh knows Nils because they collaborated on a story CIA bad, much torture, black ops, Muslim countries! They named names including Sol Kaplan.

“So now that I’ve told you who I am,” he said, “do you think maybe you could tell me . . . what the fuck?”

The New Yorker, sophisticated, fancy, talks like a drunken Lindsay.

She laughed hollowly.

Try to laugh “hollowly,” y'all. What exactly does that sound like?

Now more pages of shit like this...

hollowly. What to tell him? She did not know this man, a man with direct connections to Nils, a man who had run right to Nils the last time he’d gotten his hands on material related to her. What was to stop him from doing that again, but this time with something way, way more damning? What he’d seen with Enola was, to make a modest understatement, really fucking huge. But on top of that, she’d helped kidnap this man and then held him hostage for several hours. That was a class-A, grade-A, A+ felony. That could mean jail time. That could mean decades of jail time.
But looking at him right now, he didn’t look like the narc type or the vengeful type. His terror now ameliorated, he looked like the journalist type who probably wouldn’t let some light kidnapping get between friends if there was something in it for him. And what would a journalist want more than information as privileged and valuable as this? He wouldn’t have gotten to where he was working for a publication as prestigious as The New Yorker if he didn’t know how to keep a secret. He could probably sit on this until the Obelus issue was squared away... etc etc etc

Nothing really interesting quoted there. I just wanted y'all to see what Cora inner dialog looks like. And there's pages of this shit. This is the meat of the book.


Anyway, what isn't in Cora's head is banter with New Yorker giving HIM exposition to all the shit WE already know. Pages of this that could have been covered with one sentence. HE HAD MANY QUESTIONS THAT CORA TRIED HER BEST TO ANSWER ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THAT HAD LEAD UP TO THAT MOMENT.

Fuck.

He asks if & ever killed anyone.

“He’s never killed a human,” she blurted. “I . . . can’t really speak to other aliens he might have offed in self-defense, but not humans.”
He eyed her, clearly skeptical. “I feel like there might be a caveat in there somewhere.”
“No. I just . . . he told me he’d never killed anyone or anything on Earth. So no, he hasn’t killed any humans.”
“ U NTRUE .”
Cora jumped at the voice in her ear—a voice that was not Ampersand’s.

Enola says & has actually killed loads of humans.

“ E VERY SAMPLE WE HAVE EVER TAKEN FROM YOUR KIND BACK TO OUR S UPERORGANISM WAS KILLED BY HIS ORDER . Y OU SPEAK MISTRUTH . O UR B ELOVED HAS KILLED MANY HUMANS

An interesting description.

Kaveh. “What did he say?”
Enola struggled to move his head toward them, but there was a strap over his brow ridge. His head was longer than Ampersand’s, his eyes smaller in relation to the rest of his head, making him look more dragon-like than any of the others. Everything about this creature screamed predator.

I'm going to let you parse this next dialog of shit, because I don't care.

“ I HAVE ACQUIRED A LITTLE COUSIN . H OW IS THIS POSSIBLE ? H OW IS IT DONE ? Y OU MUST TELL ME, LITTLE COUSIN, HOW DID HE DO IT ?”
“How did he do what?” said Cora.
“ H E SEEKS OUR OTHER COUSIN, OUR NOBLE O BELUS . N OBLE O BELUS IS BEING PURSUED BY MULTIPLE PARTIES . D OES OUR DEAR B ELOVED KNOW ? P ERHAPS HE DOESN’T . N OBLE O BELUS AND HIS THREE SUBORDINATES, THE THREE SUBORDINATES DID LEAVE THIS PLANET, ONLY TO LEARN THAT NOBLE O BELUS STILL LIVED . T HEY WERE INSTRUCTED BY THEIR S UPERORGANISM TO RETURN, WITH NOBLE O BELUS ALIVE AND INTACT .”
“The Obelus Similars are still here?” She stood up, ready to bolt, like Obelus’s three subordinate Similars might be hiding in the shadows.
“ T HE THREE O BELUS SUBORDINATES DO NOT SEEK TO KILL THEIR FORMER SUPERIOR; THEY SEEK TO CAPTURE HIM AND RETURN HIM TO HIS A UTOCRAT, ALIVE .”
“Are they looking for Ampersand, too?” she asked. “Dear Beloved” could only refer to Ampersand.
“ T HEY HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED ONLY TO RETRIEVE NOBLE O BELUS .”
“What’s he saying?” asked Kaveh. Cora ignored him.
“ O NLY WHAT WILL OUR DEAR B ELOVED DO WITH HIS O BELUS ONCE HE RECAPTURES HIM ? K EEP HIM ALIVE, INDEFINITELY ? I DO NOT BELIEVE HE HAS A PLAN . A ND THAT IS GOOD, LITTLE COUSIN, FOR THEN HE WILL LET O BELUS RETURN TO HIS A UTOCRAT, AND HE WILL JOIN ME .”
“Join you for what?”
“ J OIN ME IN DEATH .”

Then there's a page of:
Free me!
No!
Free me!
I said no!

Then the static turned into a cacophony, shrieking like a thousand untuned violins. She clapped her hands to her ears, screaming and stumbling outside.
“What is it?” Kaveh was beside her.
“Get it out!” she cried. “Get it out!”
“Get what out?”
“In my ears! The earbuds! Get them out!”

Kaveh has tweezers and removes it. Of course he does.

Then he forgives her for being tied to a tree and not being able to pee.

didn’t suck—it did—but I understand why you did it, and thank you for giving me the option to run free and make millions off your horrible secrets. But I’m not going to, not yet at least.” He hovered his hand about a foot away from her back, like he knew touching her was a bad idea, but miming the act was fine. She found herself wishing he would drop the pantomime and touch her. “Do you think we could start over?”
Cora wiped her face, swallowing the stress that was begging to come out in the form of tears. “What did you have in mind?”
“Well, are you hungry?”

Did he just ask her out? A fancy New Yorker asking a schlubby blue hair to dinner? Right.

End of chapter.

[Rushy]

Murderguy