Kassandra Killjoy: Paranormal Private-Eye "The Search for the Swordsman" - A short story cosplaying as a novel by peeRod

[Le Redditeur]

The real question is, did you expect anything else from Retarded Ricardo's even more retarded clone?

[Complicity]

Brad's book was lame, predictable, derivative and occasionally stupid.
Nostalgia Cunt's was lame, predictable, derivative, occasionally stupid, pretentious, and contained sentences like "the marsh part of the marsh".
This trash is already so infuriatingly bad that it makes me wish i could beat the published author senseless - and by that i mean that i wish to give him a mild slap.

He was bullied as a kid

Not enough.

What is Obscure City?

>Cold wind
>Breeding ground of all that is evil

Lupa's vagina.

Is... Killjoy supposed to be PUR???

We'll see if her body is covered with shitty tattoos magic runes to hide the scars caused by fat removal surgeries the evil patriarchy, and if she's affected by knowing how fat and ugly she is BDD an evil curse that forces her to constantly hide her ugly, dumb mug beautiful, proud visage behind her iPhone magical pocket book.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Not enough existential mental breakdowns to be PUR.

The wind of Obscure City can cut most people like a knife

I fixed your first fucking sentence. Does the wind actualy wield a knife?

The total irony of his one cool idea being a typo.
I'm totally gonna steal the idea of the wind shanking people like some supernatural Jack the Ripper.

They dismiss all evidence that the chill is not organic in nature

"Oh, this soul-shattering, year-round cold is totally not man-made! Nothing to worry about."

Is this supposed to be some stab at climate change deniers?

The man is known as Kanis Veil, the undisputed leader of the pack of men who are running after the cat.

Thanks for the clarification. I was beginning to wonder which of the many packs of men introduced so far he's the leader of.

The men exchange amused and confused glances and mutter, "Puppies?"

Oh shit, the racist bitch said the P-word!

With this, Killjoy positions herself at the edge of the building and with one quick movement,she leaps forward in the air and lands perfectly balanced in a kneeling position on the concrete ground, under the bright light of a street lamp.

I think this is supposed to be what tvtropes calls the "Three-Point Landing", the most "badass" way to land from a jump.

Now that she is no longer silhouetted, Veil's henchmen get a good look at her for the first time. They snicker and smirk with delight at her appearance.

Just how (in)famous is she? Merely seeing her name written on a sign causes them to shit their pants, but seeing her in the flesh causes them to revert to "Oh this silly little girl" mode.
It's like if some Gotham crook runs away after seeing the Bat Sign, only to then make fun of Batman's costume when he's landing in front of him.

Or his her getup supposed to be funny to them? How do people usually dress in this, anyways? We have no frame of reference.

"Now, are you boys gonna scat?"

This might just be a a normal phrasing in Great Britain, but for everyone else this sounds like the beginning of a very kinky sex scene.

Killjoy pulls out an antique change purse from the pocket of her vest. She dramatically drops the purse on the ground. The change purse hits the concrete floor with so much force that coins can be heard rolling inside it and the sound sends a cautionary echo throughout the alley.

Dropping a purse full of coins causes the coins to make a sound when they hit the ground. Imagine my shock.

"Madara Maxima!"

>madara: Irish; Alternative form of madra (“dog”)

Either ERod uses slightly tweaked names from Naruto for his spells, or his main protagonist just cast Maximum Doge.
Also nice to see that the terrifying, super-sized werewolves are defeated by wood. What are they, Golden Age Green Lantern?

Killjoy, satisfied with her work, displays a smile but only for a second. The third werewolf is in mid-flight and seconds away from pouncing on her.

Good think we have precise time measurements here.
Also just how much space is there if the werewolf can stay several seconds in mid-air? Is this using the D&D combat system where every round takes 6 seconds?

Veil and the black and white cat watch in shock as the werewolf is forcefully morphed back into his human form and green flames shoot out of his stomach. Soon the green fire consumes his body leaving nothing but ash.

Without a strong verb like "burst" that first sentence reads a bit weird. Do werewolves just happen to have a hole in their stomach?

"Just in case you were wondering, that chain is also made of out of silver."

>be werewolf
>realize enemy uses silver
>attack anyways
>mfw enemy still has more silver

"Now, Veil-take your last two pups and go back to your turf and stay there. I officially pronounce this black and white cat as my familiar. So, if I ever catch you messing with it again, I'1l put ten silver coins inside you. And when I do, I promise I will use the rear exit... If you know what I mean."

What was even the initial motivation of messing with the cat in the first place, beside being a lame excuse for a fight scene? Do these werewolf gangster have nothing better to do than chase random cats?

Veil's eyes widen as he knows exactly what she means.

Don't explain the joke.

Veil flies out of the alley, and slams into a parked car which heavily dents the entire side of the vehicle.

So he dents only the side? Even though his werewolf form has been described as being twice as tall as his goons', which in turn are five times as tall as their already large selves? Does Erod have no sense of scale? Dude must be the size of a fucking Zaku.

Killjoy is standing in the entrance of the alleyway, holding her broom like a shot gun. "Bang," she says with a satisfied jerk of her head.

Thanks, I was wondering just how she managed to magically knock someone back. It was magic after all!

"Hey Lady, you gots any tuna oveh deh?"

>catspeak
This gonna be painful.

"Kassandra Killjoy, Paranormal Private-Eye at your service.”

Then why do you own a comic book store? Which of your two jobs is the side gig?

[Complicity]

They dismiss all evidence that the chill is not organic in nature

"Oh, this soul-shattering, year-round cold is totally not man-made! Nothing to worry about."

Is this supposed to be some stab at climate change deniers?

Does he know that "organic" and "natural" aren't synonyms?
Does he know what "organic" means?
Does he know what an organ is?
Does he know that his head is filled with organic compost?

"Hey Lady, you gots any tuna oveh deh?"

>catspeak
This gonna be painful.

Sounds like Ebonics, and i bet the retard did it on purpose.
As a homage.

"Now, are you boys gonna scat?"

Erods' true passion starts to show.

Veil's eyes widen as he knows exactly what she means.

Don't explain the joke.

But how will his audience understand it if he doesn't?

[Dingus Bajingus]

"Sit, Boo-Boo. Sit!"

Nope.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

More concept art time! You can thank me later.

For the most part it's various pieces of lame concept art for the protagonist, as well as a sketch version of the cover.
Two items are more noteworthy, though:

Teh Kitteh (aka the stupid cat)
>Hime's fandom is on the rise
*presses X*
>So here are some Hime attitudes for all you faithful members of Hime's Herd
Is this supposed to be a play on Angry Joe's Angry Army (tm), or whatever the fuck you call your fans? Busterinos?
Also a congregation of cats is known as a clowder, you simpleton.

La Bruja (aka Harry Potter meets Carmen Sandiego)
>halfbreed (half human half witch)
How does that work, exactly? Was her dad a muggle (in which case fuck you bigot; witch rights are human rights)? Or was her mother a D&D hag (aka a fugly fey creature that looks like the Wicked Witch of the West)? If witches are their own species how are pure-bred witches created? Lesbian futa sex?
>she is of Spanish descent
So I take it she's ginger because of her alien witch DNA?
>born and raised in Barcelona, Spain
Thank God for the glarification. For a moment I though you meant Barcelona, Arkansas.
>name is ACTUAL LEE pronounced Kil-Hoy, but Killjoy sounds cooler
Oh fuck off, beaner (pronounced Be-Ann-Ur).

[wulfenlord]

The wind of Obscure City can cut most people with a knife

Utsukushi. It's like he heard about l'artistic things like similes and metaphors, but his retarded brain is too stupid to grasp the concept. I reckon him the prime example for misusing the word literally, too.

They dismiss all evidence that the chill is not organic in nature

I second the notion that this is him trying to take a piss on climate hoax deniers

and kneel behind a dumpster in a dark, wet alley

Already a self-insert in the first paragraph

as every man, woman and child has now retired to their domiciles and every creep to his crypt

Erm, how? Why? Does this magical organic wind have magical curfew abilities, too?

all four men are equally intimidating -each large and boasting terrorising muscles // his imposing muscles bulge out within the confines of his coat

LUL, so that's what r/Womenwritingmen would do

At the end of the alley and directly in front of the cat, is a comic-book store

Ah, yes, a retail venue depending on customer interaction. At the end of an alley (I know it's a facade shop, but damn my suspension of disbelief is almost non-existent now)

the sign says, "Killjoy Komics.”

Look, you stupid beaner, I know you think the name sounds sUpEr kEwL komplete with Mortal Kombat poor literacy, but neither in business nor in prose you use last names. You don't see Homer frequent Syzlak's, do you?

Killjoy stands atop the structure, majestic and confident, while the moonlight sihouettes her figure.

I know peepeerod will handwave this as "Well she flew up" or "of course she has a roof hatch", but how? and why? - also, Peepee, why around you describing her silhouette, including her bulging breasts, like you did with the villains? You sexist or sumthin?

Skipping the fight scene, as it's just Mary Sue mops the floor with the villains while not breaking sweat. Yawn.

her pocket-watch, which magically becomes a magnifying glass

Is it related to Erod's small hammer? Does it have a raped girl as the source of its power? Do tell please :3

gots any tuna oveh deh

Whea da yt tunas at?
Yeah, it's definitely ebonics. For enjoyable negro sprech I'll take Melville or Poe over this.

[pibbs]

Killjoy Komics
Kassandra Killjoy Komics
K. K. K.

I think there's a hidden meaning here.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Fuck, I take it back the the rest of the "concept art" didn't have any interesting shit going for it.

A rather masculine rendition of our beloved MC
>In accordance to the release date of the first book, Killjoy's canonical birthday is now-
Hang on a sec. Why the fuck does her canonical birthday depend on the release date? What is she, a Vocaloid? She's part of the product, not the product itself.
>January 25th 1293
Wat
>731 years old
Ah, good. For a moment I thought there was a typo. Though I hope you know that the vampire loli meme doesn't become less cringe if you replace "vampire" with "witch".

And my fellow Busterinos, keep this in the back of your precious little head during any of Kil-Hoy's whacky antics: She's almost 3/4 of a millenium old.
How did Barcelona, Spain even look like in the 13th century, anyways?

*doing some research*

So she's older than the Consolat de Mar, but missed Barcelona, Spain being its own country by just a few decades. Good to know. I'm lovin' this rich worldbuilding so far.

Also starting to wonder if we'll ever get some ground rules regarding her mad magic skills, or if she will just continue to do whatever the fuck she wants.
I mean, even in vile Arch-TERF Joanne's thinly-disguised manifesto H*rry P*tt*r you generally got the impression that arcane shoot-outs between wizards weren't really all that different from regular shoot-outs.

[wulfenlord]

>700 years old
>owinng the first printing of Blue Beetle instead of Don Quijote or El Cid