Kassandra Killjoy: Paranormal Private-Eye "The Search for the Swordsman" - A short story cosplaying as a novel by peeRod

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

I just had a little thought: Will the Spanish Inquisition factor into her (no doubt) tragic backstory? Was her mom killed by Torquemada? Did she have to flee the country? Will ERod use this as an excuse to shit on Christianity / toxic masculinity? Will he fail to entertain the thought that witch burning could be considered at least partially justified if witches are a) real and b) have all the wicked powers the propaganda warned about?

(She'll probably just make a comment about how she didn't expect them *nudge nudge*)

[Le Redditeur]

Speaking of John Cleese, I had a weird dream about a Fawlty Towers episode, in which Basil hired some guys to install a "novelty attraction" on the hotel (a dumb fishing game), but then water started leaking everywhere and they all had to hide it from Sybil, of course. Which is just a dumb and unconscious story, but still better than Erod's conscious dreck.

[pibbs]

Chapter 2- Killjoy Komics: Private Eye for Hire

The worst part of this dreck, besides the cliche characters, is how he structures sentences. They're so fucking clunky and over-written. The difference between a writer with experience, and peeRod, is that a good writer knows how to make the sentences flow. This asshole is just plugging and playing phrases without thought or creativity. Whatever. On with this shit.

SpoilerShow

As Killjoy and Hime walk into the comic-book store, a bell chimes. The smell of plastic, cardboard and dust fills the air. There are shelves on each side lined with the newest releases, and boxes on long tables filled with musty back issues organised alphabetically by title. Statues, collectables, and figurines with price tags are displayed in a case with a lock, towards the middle of the store. Behind the counter stands Killjoy's only employee, affectionately referred to as Dan The-Comic-Book-Man. Dan's lanky body is leaning on the counter, one hand on his face while he flips through the inventory list. With a quick glance towards the door, his long, stringy hair moves into his eyes. Upon realising the bell doesn't indicate a customer, he looks back down at his paperwork, unaffected by the cat that is following his boss.

Customers stand around the store, thumbing through comics. Like Dan, none of the patrons seems to be fazed by the presence of Hime as they continue to browse the pages of the books.

Believe it or not, Killjoy thinks, as she closes the door behind her, this isn 't the weirdest way I've ever stumbled upon a new case. She gives a wry smile. But that's another story.

Killjoy looks over at Hime with curiosity. What matters now is that this little creature bravely risked his life just to ask for my help. That, in itself, deserves my undivided attention.

Killjoy leads Hime through the store towards Dan.

"Hey, Dan - this is Hime, my new client. Hime, this is Dan The-Comic-Book-Man."

Dan takes his hand off his face and waves at Hime S `up cat dude.”

"Hey deh Misteh, you gots any tuna oveh deh?" Hime requested.

Dan is completely unfazed by Hime's verbal skills. “Sorry, cat dude. I only gots breakfast bars and Gatorade."

Killjoy shakes her head as she interjects, "Dan, I'm going to take Hime into my office. If any more 'angry puppies' come sniffing around here, make sure to buzz me.

"You got it, Boss. What's up with Veil and the Howling Commandos, anyway?"

"Werewolves, Golden Retrievers, German Shepherds and so on... Dogs are dogs, and they don't like cats.”

“Whoa, Boss - that makes, like, all the sense.”

With a smirk and a chuckle, Killjoy and Hime make their way to the back of the store into her office. She stops in front of an open door that leads into a small bathroom. Frustrated, Killjoy turns to address the entire store.

"How many times do I have to tell you savages? You`re free to use the employee bathroom as long as you remember to close the door when you're done!" Killjoy yells out.

"Sorry,"' Dan and the others mutter unenthusiastically without taking their eyes off the comics they are reading.

Killjoy rolls her eyes while turning around, and slams the bathroom door shut. Turning the knob in the opposite direction, she reopens it. When the door opens, the room beyond the door is no longer a bathroom, but an office.

“After you, sir.”

Hime looks in astonishment as Killjoy ushers him in. "Hey Lady, where did the water room go?"

"Trade secret, little man," she responds, as the door closes behind them.

The room is incredibly cluttered with books, papers, and random knick-knacks scattered about, but it is functional. Shelves are loaded with relics and mementos from Killjoy's previous cases. In contrast to the rest of the room, the desk is organised in meticulous fashion, with only a computer and a table lamp sitting upon it. The lamp emanates a green light, which serves as the only source of light in the room. There is a desk chair at one end and a black leather chair at the other.

Killjoy follows Hime into the room and recklessly tosses her broom to the side, but it lands perfectly on a pair of hooks hanging from the wall.

"Sorry about the mess,” Killjoy says, apologetic. “It's the cleaning gnome's day off."

"That's okay, lady. Maybe you give me some tunas for my mouff?" Hime abruptly requests.

Killjoy stares him down with an arched eyebrows while Hime is delightfully unaware of his rudeness.

She lets out an exasperated sigh and procures a can of green beans from a nearby cupboard. Giving the can shake, it transforms into a can of tuna. It pops open on its own as Killjoy lays it before Hime.

The chatty cat immediately starts to gulp down the tuna, making cartoonish eating sounds, “Yum, yum, yum.”

Killjoy shrugs her shoulders and walks over to her desk, plugging the USB drive into the computer as she sits. "Now, Iet's see if we can get some much needed exposition.”

The USB drive, surprisingly, has only one file: a video. When Killjoy double clicks on it, the video starts to play, featuring an average-looking, portly man of Chinese descent. He looks at the camera, addressing Killjoy directly ""Hello, Ms Killjoy. My name is Charles Chan. While I can't reveal my profession to you, what I can tell you is that it is not that different from your very own. I also deal with Obscure City's more – let's say... interesting citizens on a nightly basis; such as my faithful friend Hime, whom you just met."

Killjoy glances at Hime who continues to chomp away at the tuna.
"If you are watching this, that means I have not returned from my latest case and my daughter, Madeline, has been left alone.”

A picture of a young girl appears in the top left corner of the video. Madeline Chan looks to be a Chinese girl, no more than sixteen years old. Having not yet lost the innocence of youth, her face is dotted with tiny freckles on her nose and cheeks. The jet-black hair piled on top of Madeline's head accents her black, goth-like clothing perfectly.

"Ms Killjoy, I can't reveal to you why, but if I'm gone, my daughter is in grave danger. So I would like to hire you to protect her for the next six months. If you check your bank account, adequate compensation has been transferred to you by now."

Pausing the video, Killjoy opens a second window on the computer to check her funds on her online bank.

"Holy Hecate!" she exclaims. "Yes, Charles, I would definitely say that this compensation is more than adequate.”

Returning to the video, Killjoy resumes the playback. "'Ms Killjoy, please understand that my daughter is still unaware of our world. I'm counting on you to not only keep her safe, but to gently usher her into it as well. She is the most precious part of my life and I would hate for her to get caught in the crossfire caused by the constant squabbling of the Seven Families."

With that, the video abruptly ends. Killjoy arches her brow with intrigue at her client's last words.

"Who are you, Chuck?" She glances at Hime in hope of a response. However, he has now switched from vigorously eating to vigorously licking himself. "'It's okay, kitty - you don't have to answer now. I see you`re busy," she says with a sigh.

Killjoy relaxes back in her leather chair as the gears in her head begin to turn. "Well, Hime, your boss paid in advance, so I have no choice but to take the case. We'll get to work in the morning. It`'s been a long night." With that said, Killjoy stands up and Hime stretches, no longer in the throes of self-grooming. They both go to the door and Killjoy turns the knob to convert the office back to the nondescript "employee bathroom"

LINE BREAK

Daytime in Obscure City is in stark contrast to its nightly hours. Hundreds of humans now populate its streets and sidewalks, blindly going about their businesses of daily life. Cars line the streets, and people line the sidewalks, all going about their day completely unaware that if an angel fell or a demon rose, they would probably land on the concrete on which they are now walking.

Like its human citizens, Obscure's resident Paranormal Private-Eye, Kassandra Killjoy, has business of her own to attend to, She walks the cracked sidewalks of her city, accompanied by her new familiar, Hime, as they make their way towards an apartment building, where Charles and Madeline Chan are supposed to reside. Instead of going into the building directly, they stop, and then cross the street to the building directly across from the apartment complex. Hime looks up at Killjoy, both curious and confused as to why they didn't just go into the correct building. However, Killjoy seems to know what she is doing, and both make their way into the stairwell and up the many flights. At the top of the stairs is a door that leads to the very top of the building. Walking outside with Hime by her side, Killjoy pulls a tiny metal fly from her pocket and speaks to it.

"I spy with my little eye - Madeline Chan." As she says the words, the metal fly vibrates and comes to life, opening one eye in the centre of its head. It suddenly flies towards Charles Chan's apartment window, slipping in through a tiny crack between the window and sill. Killjoy draws her magnifying glass from her coat pocket, which quickly reveals an image projected on the surface of the glass.

She looks at the projection intently, and it becomes apparent to Hime that the images are being sent from the metal fly. Killjoy can now see inside Charles' apartment discretely, without having to go inside.

The metal fly hovers around, slowly revealing the interior of the apartment. Pizza boxes, empty soda bottles, and dirty laundry litter the ground, and the kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes. It's apparent that only a teenager has occupied this home for quite some time.

Continuing down the hallway, the fly hovers by a room with the name 'Maddy' written on the door; however, it seems there is no one inside.

The fly moves back into the living room, when suddenly something seems to shift under one of the giant piles of laundry on the sofa. It glides towards the twitching mound of dirty clothes only to discover a person is making these movements. Madeline is sleeping underneath it, using the clothes as a makeshift blanket. Killjoy's fly focuses on the sleeping teen. She is curled up in a tight ball with her hands next to a landline phone, as if she is waiting for an important call and wants it answered quickly.

Suddenly, the alarm from her cell phone goes off. Madeline awakes with a start. She seems disoriented from being awoken from a deep sleep for a moment but quickly gains her composure, reaching over the end table and checking the answering machine.

"You have no new messages.” Madeline lets out a groan of frustration as she resigns herself to start getting ready for the day and what Killjoy presumes to be school.

The fly discreetly follows Madeline as Killjoy takes out a notepad and pen from her coat pocket. The pen stands upright on its own following Killjoy's voice and writing her dictation.

“Subject: Madeline Xia Chan. Average student, excellent skateboarder, stubborn daughter. Her father has been missing for over a week, yet she won't stop waiting for a phone call or sign indicating his whereabouts. This fails to arouse the suspicion of her friends and neighbours, as it is very common for Charles to take off on business trips for days at a time. According to the public record, Charles Chan is a travelling businessman with a degree in accounting. This is both true and false. Charles handles his accounting duties online and they do not require him all to travel. However, he has never been gone this long, and understandably, his daughter is worried. As far as where he goes on these alleged business trips, it is still a mystery. but I feel that discovering this will help shed light on his sudden disappearance and the alleged danger in which Madeline might find herself.”

Noticing Madeline getting dressed, Killjoy and Hime begin to make their way down the staircase, anticipating the inevitable departure.

Back inside the apartment, Madeline puts on a black t-shirt with the American Sign Language symbol for “I love you” on the front. Her jeans are black and baggy, with the knees cut out and a chain dangling from the waist, which she connects to her wallet in her back pocket. She compliments her ensemble by snapping a black choker around her neck.

Once dressed, she grabs her skateboard and backpack and heads out of the apartment. When she gets outside, Madeline takes off on her skateboard, leaving Killjoy to follow at a safe distance. Her peculiar fly continues to keep up while also projecting the events into her magnifying glass. She can stay a safe distance yet be aware of everything going on, and everything said.

Madeline's first stop isn't at school. Instead, she leads Killjoy to the Obscure City Police Department. Madeline walks in and confronts the desk sergeant.

"S'up, Calhoun. Is Detective Lankaster in?"

The sergeant looks up from his computer "Sorry, Maddy. He got called away on a case. He should be back this afternoon.”

Madeline lets out a frustrated sigh and turns to leave. "Fine. I'1l be back after school.?

"Maddy, he's doing everything he can to find your pop.”

Madeline glances back at him with a distrustful glare. "Yeah, right."
Feeling helpless and frustrated, Madeline briskly walks towards the door with her skateboard under her arm. Trying to get out of the place as quickly as possible, she nearly knocks down bystanders.

Once Madeline is out of the building, Killjoy enters and walks up to the service desk. Sergeant Calhoun smiles knowingly and hands Killjoy a large envelope, as she passes him a a smaller, yet considerably fatter, envelope which he pockets. She takes the envelope from Calhoun's hand. opening it to reveal a copy of Madeline's records. Killjoy flips through the pages until she stops on the section detailing Madeline's scholastic records. It seems she is currently enrolled at Ray Harryhausen High School.

Killjoy flashes Calhoun a smile, and he gives her an appreciative nod as she makes her way out of the station.

The sun now hangs high in the sky of Obscure city, announcing the arrival of this day's afternoon and indiscriminately casting its rays of illumination on the building where Madeline Chan acquires her education. The large sign on the corner identifying Ray Harryhausen High School stands proudly in front of the facility as a gesture of welcoming warmth to the youth seeking knowledge. Redbrick surrounds a concrete engraving stating, 'Established 1862 Home of the Fighting Tigers' A tiger's face, the school mascot, is featured in the middle of the sign.

Directly across from the school, with equally as welcoming warmth, the Methodist Church of Obscure City can be found, whose sign reads, 'Established 1860." It serves as a reminder that humans tend to establish a deity before seeking knowledge. Atop the church sits Killjoy. who continues to watch Madeline through the magnifying glass with a noticeable loss of interest. Hime appears on the church roof, carrying a paper bag in his mouth. Upon his arrival, Killjoy looks up with a start.

"Finally!"` she exclaims, taking the bag from him. She pulls two sandwiches out of the bag and lays one before him.

Hime knocks the top bread off his sandwich, revealing tuna inside, and begins chomping away at the fish content, making the same comical sound as before "Yum, Yum, Yum.”

Killjoy ravenously takes a bite out of her sandwich but quickly spits it out. "Merciful Malus! I said no pickles! You heard me say 'no pickles' when I called in the order right?" she questions, turning towards Hime for confirmation. However, just like when they met, his focus remains on the tuna.

“Just another disappointment during a boring day of following-" Her words stop short when she notices a sleek, vintage, black car parking near the school. "Wait a minute. That's no soccer-mom van." Killjoy picks up her magnifying glass, and Madeline's continued surveillance footage fades away. Holding the magnifying glass over her eye, she looks directly at the black car. With a quick hand gesture, she makes the vehicle's image within the glass zoom in. She focuses in on the car's windshield, but due to the heavy tint covering the window, she cannot see the driver. She looks around the rest of the vehicle, trying to find any clues or any indication of the identity of its occupant, when she finally notices a familiar symbol etched onto the hood of the car. The logo is the letter S with an X over its top.

"Oh no..." Killjoy quietly whispers as she swiftly pulls an enormous book out of the small pocket of her coat. Hime is so surprised by the sudden appearance of the hefty tome that it takes his focus away from his meal for a moment-but only for a moment.

Killjoy slams the book down on the top of a roof turbine and begins to flip rapidly through the pages, searching until she finally comes upon the page with the symbol. "Slasher Clan," she reads aloud, with dread in her voice. "'And suddenly," she says as she turns to Hime, "pickles are the least of my worries."[/spoilers]

[pibbs]

Behind the counter stands Killjoy's only employee, affectionately referred to as Dan The-Comic-Book-Man.

I cannot roll my eyes big enough.

"You got it, Boss. What's up with Veil and the Howling Commandos, anyway?"
"Werewolves, Golden Retrievers, German Shepherds and so on... Dogs are dogs, and they don't like cats.”
“Whoa, Boss - that makes, like, all the sense.”

No it doesn't. This is stupid.

"How many times do I have to tell you savages? You`re free to use the employee bathroom as long as you remember to close the door when you're done!" Killjoy yells out.

This is such a weird thing to insert here.

"Sorry about the mess,” Killjoy says, apologetic. “It's the cleaning gnome's day off."

"It's the house elf's cleaning gnome's day off..."

an average-looking, portly man of Chinese descent. He looks at the camera, addressing Killjoy directly ""Hello, Ms Killjoy. My name is Charles Chan.

Go fuck yourself, peeRod. Just go ahead and say "Charlie Chan," you fuckwit.

Madeline Chan looks to be a Chinese girl, no more than sixteen years old. Having not yet lost the innocence of youth, her face is dotted with tiny freckles on her nose and cheeks

Yes. A freckle-faced Chinese girl. That's normal.

The jet-black hair piled on top of Madeline's head accents her black, goth-like clothing perfectly.

I'm impressed he could type one-handed while masturbating here.

"Holy Hecate!" she exclaims.

Hectate = a witch goddess. Remember this for a little later...

The metal fly hovers around, slowly revealing the interior of the apartment. Pizza boxes, empty soda bottles, and dirty laundry litter the ground, and the kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes. It's apparent that only a teenager has occupied this home for quite some time.

Oops! Wrong apartment. Sorry PUR.

She is curled up in a tight ball with her hands next to a landline phone...

A landline? Current day teenagers don't even know what the fuck a landline is. And this is set in modern era.

“Subject: Madeline Xia Chan. Average student, excellent skateboarder, stubborn daughter. Her father has been missing for over a week, yet she won't stop waiting for a phone call or sign indicating his whereabouts. This fails to arouse the suspicion of her friends and neighbours, as it is very common for Charles to take off on business trips for days at a time. According to the public record, Charles Chan is a travelling businessman with a degree in accounting. This is both true and false. Charles handles his accounting duties online and they do not require him all to travel. However, he has never been gone this long, and understandably, his daughter is worried. As far as where he goes on these alleged business trips, it is still a mystery. but I feel that discovering this will help shed light on his sudden disappearance and the alleged danger in which Madeline might find herself.”

How does she know ANY of this shit? How do you know she's an average student, excellent skateboarder, or is stubborn? And what public records? There's no mention of Killjoy going to the library, city hall, or even googling on the PC on her desk? I ask again, how the fuck does she know any of this shit?!

Madeline walks in and confronts the desk sergeant.

"S'up, Calhoun. Is Detective Lankaster in?"

This isn't confronting, you fucking retard, this is greeting.

She takes the envelope from Calhoun's hand. opening it to reveal a copy of Madeline's records.

NOW we're getting the records? After somehow already knowing everything?

The large sign on the corner identifying Ray Harryhausen High School...

Fuck you.

Methodist Church of Obscure City can be found, whose sign reads, 'Established 1860." It serves as a reminder that humans tend to establish a deity before seeking knowledge.

You stupid, brown-toothed, little fucktard, clout-seeking, imbecile, shove your junior high atheism up your ass. Also, did you forget, your little Killjoy has a witch goddess, you fucking hypocrite?

Fuck peeRod. Fuck this stupid book.

[Rushy]

Speaking of John Cleese, I had a weird dream about a Fawlty Towers episode, in which Basil hired some guys to install a "novelty attraction" on the hotel (a dumb fishing game), but then water started leaking everywhere and they all had to hide it from Sybil, of course. Which is just a dumb and unconscious story, but still better than Erod's conscious dreck.

probably better than Cleese's upcoming reboot

[Old Black Man]

Why did Ching Chong Chan look directly at the camera? Did he forget he was writing a novel and not a movie script? Fuck this, I’m gonna go read MythAdventures.

[wulfenlord]

Customers stand around the store, thumbing through comics.

So we are directly bordering on the fight scene, where, as the establishing shot set up with its organic curfew inducing wind, every man and woman alive in this city is sleeping.
Is this a 24/7 comic shop? Most comic shops in Krautland have horrible medieval opening hours from 10AM-4PM. WHY did your setting insist on nighttime and deserted streets, when clearly this is contradicted now?

Believe it or not, Killjoy thinks, as she closes the door behind her, this isn 't the weirdest way I've ever stumbled upon a new case. She gives a wry smile. But that's another story.

Aside from the terrible writing, ho is she narrating to?

What matters now is that this little creature bravely risked his life just to ask for my help. That, in itself, deserves my undivided attention.

Um, no, Peerod, the cat didn't ask for the heroines help - next you'll tell us tail-wagging is consent?!

Dan is completely unfazed by Hime's verbal skills. “Sorry, cat dude. I only gots breakfast bars and Gatorade."

Killjoy shakes her head as she interjects, "Dan, I'm going to take Hime into my office. If any more 'angry puppies' come sniffing around here, make sure to buzz me.

"You got it, Boss. What's up with Veil and the Howling Commandos, anyway?"

Apparently not only he is unfazed by a talking cat and the werewolf fight, but also the NORMAL HUMAN BYSTANDERS!

"Sorry,"' Dan and the others mutter unenthusiastically without taking their eyes off the comics they are reading.

Ever heard of the business practice "You read it, you buy it"? Ever heard of any business practices? It's a fucking comic book store! Kids'll get beat up by looking at a cover for too long without buying.

She lets out an exasperated sigh and procures a can of green beans from a nearby cupboard. Giving the can shake, it transforms into a can of tuna. It pops open on its own as Killjoy lays it before Hime.

The chatty cat immediately starts to gulp down the tuna, making cartoonish eating sounds, “Yum, yum, yum.”

The next time I spot unexplained/handwaved magick, I swear I'll...

Also, the nerd-sanctioned KITTEH-SPEAK for eating is NOM NOM NOM, fucking asshole!

Killjoy shrugs her shoulders and walks over to her desk, plugging the USB drive into the computer as she sits. "Now, Iet's see if we can get some much needed exposition.”

That's it, I'm not an alcoholic, but I need a drink now!

Madeline Chan looks to be a Chinese girl, no more than sixteen years old. Having not yet lost the innocence of youth, her face is dotted with tiny freckles on her nose and cheeks.

Nice going with the racism there, Rodriguez. We just established that her father is of chinese descent, making her a second generation immigrant, i.e. AMERICAN. And those faggot SJW try to argue moral anything. Also its news to me that freckles are tied to virginity and/or youth. Also, freckles on a chinese

["Ms Killjoy, I can't reveal to you why, but if I'm gone, my daughter is in grave danger. So I would like to hire you to protect her for the next six months. If you check your bank account, adequate compensation has been transferred to you by now."

So if the kitten never reached her, she'd have a nice surprise on her account without a contract? Nevermind that contracts are mutual (though Erod wouldn't know about that), nothing would stop Killy from ghosting Ching Chong and keep the money. Another WTF moment,normal people have nicknames derived from their FIRST NAMES, EROD - you know - CASSY or CAZ - you fucking imbecile!

Fuck me, I need to take a break, do some wholesome things, like modding The Saboteur so you play as the good guys :3

[pibbs]

Believe it or not, Killjoy thinks, as she closes the door behind her, this isn 't the weirdest way I've ever stumbled upon a new case. She gives a wry smile. But that's another story.

Aside from the terrible writing, who is she narrating to?

I thought the exact same thing. I put the italics back in to show that's she thinking this. So who the fuck is she telling "that's another story?" Herself? Is she fucking insane?

[Kugelfisch]

>fucks up the first sentence
Yeah no, it's fucking Wednesday. See you Friday or Saturday with a bottle of Absinthe. Not dealing with this shit on a workday!

[pibbs]

>fucks up the first sentence
Yeah no, it's fucking Wednesday. See you Friday or Saturday with a bottle of Absinthe. Not dealing with this shit on a workday!

That's an excellent way to read this tripe.