Kassandra Killjoy: Paranormal Private-Eye "The Search for the Swordsman" - A short story cosplaying as a novel by peeRod

[pibbs]

Just got this "novel" in the mail today. I compared it to my copy of the "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe." It's about 1/3 thinner. The paper feels cheap, there's no illustrations, and I paid more for international shipping than the cost of the book, because peeRod had to go to the back alleys of London to find a scam publisher. Total cost = $20.

I have a busy week this week, but I'll do my usual autism and review this shit. I'm also going to scan it, and copy and paste the entire thing here, because fuck peeRod and his fucking goblin toothed ass.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

(A shame you didn't get this Hispanic Bible book thingie, though. Sounded a lot more interesting.)

>1/3 thinner
Funny considering the other book is like only 100 pages longer.

[Rushy]

Lets fucking go. I should write a book. At least I know someone would be around to roast it here

[RAPEMAN]

[pibbs]

The DHI Autistic Book Club

Kassandra Killjoy: Paranormal Private-Eye:
The Search for the Swordsman
by peeRod. The douche bag actually put “Erod” as his author name.
Chapter 01: “Obscure City: The City that Always Creeps” or as I call it - “Let's Go Ahead and Establish the Girl Boss, Mmk?
protected by Fair Use, bitch


Here we go. The long awaited shit show from CA's most insignificant former IN. A couple of notes.

• To no one's surprise this book is shit.
• You have to understand the peeRod. He was bullied as a kid, and instead of manning up, and growing from the experience like the rest of us, he, like almost all IN s, let it fester into bitterness and cuntiness. His twitter feed is an endless parade of capeshit, cartoons and toys celebrating girl-boss simping. He applauds every stupid woke moive, TV show etc. He defends race and gender swapping iconic characters and mostly watches shit intended for girls. He despises anything masculine and dismisses detractors of THE MESSAGE as having “small peepees.” His actual words.
• I converted pics to text using a built in app on my phone. It's not perfect, so there may be typos and grammatical errors in the copy and paste. Having said this, for a “published” work this fucking thing is filled with grammatical mistakes. The only evidence this thing saw any editing is that it is filled with British spelling of English words. PeeRod is a Puerto Rican living in America, so when British terminology pops up, it's kind of strange.

We open in Obscure City. First sentence and I'm already confused.

The wind of Obscure City can cut most people with a knife, even on the calmest night at the lowest level of the city.

The lowest level? Like Coruscant? Is this the future? Are we in the sewer? What is Obscure City? Don't know. He doesn't bother to explain.

We get a wonderful terrible sentence.

The most average citizen, even after bundling up in their finest fur and hat, would still find that the cold strikes them to the centre of their soul, yet they would just dismiss the cold, dry air as one of the disadvantages of a chilled December night, even when that chilled December night is happens to be in June.

Run-on sentence. He shows his amateurish writing by repeating the same words or phrases too closely together. Note the British spelling of “center.” imagine the dozens of his fans that are the target audience are mostly American. This is stupid.

But what causes this unnatural cold?

They dismiss all evidence that the chill is not organic in nature but stems from a breeding ground of all things that define evil, sulk within shadows, stalk behind the corner, and kneel behind a dumpster in a dark, wet alley.

You know what? I just decided I'm not going to review this like I usually do. Here just read this shit for yourself, and YOU quote and make comments. This book is 140 pages, 8 chapters, and probably around 10,000 words. So here.

[pibbs]

Chapter 1 Obscure City: The City that Always Creeps

Copy and PastedShow

The wind of Obscure City can cut most people with a knife, even on the calmest night at the lowest level of the city. The most average citizen, even after bundling up in their finest fur and hat, would still find that the cold strikes them to the centre of their soul, yet they would just dismiss the cold, dry air as one of the disadvantages of a chilled December night, even when that chilled December night happens to be in June. They dismiss all evidence that the chill is not organic in nature but stems from a breeding ground of all things that define evil, sulk within shadows, stalk behind the corner, and kneel behind a dumpster in a dark, wet alley.

Yet the imminent dangers of this sinister city are unapparent: a peaceful silence has overtaken Obscure this particular evening as every man, woman and child has now retired to their domiciles and every creep to his crypt, leaving the streets dark and desolate. No one will be present to hear the calming quiet of this evening being broken by a long and silky, black and white cat frantically running down the wet sidewalk as if its nine lives depended on it. And no one will be there to witness the four prominent men in pursuit of the feline, who get closer and closer with every stride they take.

The four men are gaining on the black and white cat as it starts to lose its stride. Although all four men are equally intimidating -each large and boasting terrorising muscles and menacing faces - one of the men is substantially larger than the rest in both size and height. The man is known as Kanis Veil, the undisputed leader of the pack of men who are running after the cat. Veil is a man who has no qualms with his hunger for power, or anything else for that matter. He is tall and his imposing muscles bulge out within the confines of his coat. He has long, stringy, unkempt hair that covers the back of his neck, and sideburns that run down both sides of his lantern jaw. His long, black, billowy coat flaps ferociously in the wind as he runs against it.

The cat rounds the corner and makes its way down an alley at full speed until it comes to a screeching halt upon reaching its destination.

At the end of the alley and directly in front of the cat, is a comic-book store. The cat begins frantically scratching at the door of the shop, to no avail.

Veil and his entourage catch up with the cat and begin to slow their pace as soon as they realise the feline is trapped, and begin to inch closer and closer to the helpless animal. The more fear the feline shows, the more they begin taking leisurely paces towards it, as well as pleasure in seeing the fear behind the animal's eyes.

Veil looks down upon the cat and in a chilling voice, begins to speak.

"End of the line, you impure abomination! It's time you learned what happens to your kind when you trespass onto our turf"

The cat lowers his head, puffs out his tail and with his ears back, lets out a bellow.
Suddenly, a woman's voice echoes through the alley and stops the men in their tracks. "Awe... But you're not in your turf any more, boys?”

Veil and his men look around frantically for a clue as to where the voice is coming from, when one of the men sees a sign in front of them that informs him just where the pursuit of the feline landed them. The man points up and with a shaky voice exclaims, "' Boss look!"

Veil raises his head to see the sign above the door. As he reads, he begins to mentally process his situation. His forehead becomes ribbed, and his eyes widen when he realises the sign says, "Killjoy Komics.”

"Ah, crap!" Veil doesn't waste any time and gestures for his men to fall back slowly.

"Kanis Veil." The female voice falls down upon their frightened ears yet again.

The men look up to see a figure standing on the the roof of the comic-book store. Kassandra Killjoy stands atop the structure, majestic and confident, while the moonlight sihouettes her figure. Her trench coat and long, braided pigtails flap in the wind, like silk curtains. A blue wide- brim hat adorns her head and casts a mysterious shadow over half ofher face, making her seem even more ominous to the men below.

"You're in my turf now," Killjoy continues."So do yourself a favour and leave the kitty alone; turn around, and take your three little puppies with you."

The men exchange amused and confused glances and mutter, "Puppies?"

"Or else I'm going to have to take all of you to obedience school. Like good little doggies."

"Stay out of this, Killjoy!" Veil snaps. "This is none of your business!"

"Oh, I think it is."

With this, Killjoy positions herself at the edge of the building and with one quick movement,she leaps forward in the air and lands perfectly balanced in a kneeling position on the concrete ground, under the bright light of a street lamp. As she raises her body to stand equal to the men, their colossal frames cast a shadow on her pale face that fails to darken her bright, lavender-coloured eyes.

Now that she is no longer silhouetted, Veil's henchmen get a good look at her for the first time. They snicker and smirk with delight at her appearance.

Killjoy is wearing a traditional, wide-brimmed, witch's hat and matching coat over a stereotypical 1940's detective suit. She sports a pair of black trousers that don`t quite reach her ankles, leaving her black and blue-striped stockings exposed between the hems of her trousers and the top of her high-top sneakers. Covering most of her torso is a blue vest that is not only complementary to her ensemble, but is functional: it holds her pocket watch and its bright, silver chain adorns the front of her raiment. Her appearance is completed by the black and blue tie that she wears in the tradition of those who have shared her profession.

"Now, are you boys gonna scat? Or do I have to get a rolled up newspaper?"

Veil's voice is filled with disdain. Listen to me, you half-breed piece of-"

Before Veil can finish his sentence, Killjoy makes an old fashioned wooden broom appear in her hand with a simple flick of her wrist. Veil and his goons flinch and step back, being careful with their movements. Veil's goons are no longer amused and now take a serious stance as their fight-or-flight instincts begin to kick in. They anxiously await orders from their leader, who holds his ground with unshakable determination.

Killjoy grips the broom tightly in her hand, while making eye contact with Veil. “This is your last warning, Veil. Otherwise you're going to leave this alley without one of your pups.”

The goons make sure that Veil isn't looking in their direction as they exchange nervous glances.
"Easy to talk tough while you`re holding that!" Veil smirks, as he points to the broom. "

"Oh, I don't need this to beat you." And with that, Killy lets go of the broom. The broom miraculously remains upright as if being held up by an invisible force "All I need... is this."

Killjoy pulls out an antique change purse from the pocket of her vest. She dramatically drops the purse on the ground. The change purse hits the concrete floor with so much force that coins can be heard rolling inside it and the sound sends a cautionary echo throughout the alley.

Veil and his men are noticeably annoyed by Killjoy's display of bravado, but remain stoic. Veil curls his lip into a sinister smile. "You shouldn't have let go of your broom. The three men then outstretch their arms and their chests expand. They begin to morph quickly and painlessly as Killjoy watches on. Their mouths gape and their eyes widen and flash red; their clothing begins to rip as their muscles grow larger; their bodies grow hairy and their statures increase to five times their human size. Upon completion of their transformation, Killjoy finds her gaze drifting even further upward to take in the sight of three werewolves.

"Take her!" Veil commands.

The black and white cat watches in astonishment as two of the werewolves charge at Killjoy at full speed.

Killjoy, however, remains still and confident. She allows the two werewolves to close the distance between them as she patiently waits.

When the first werewolf gets to five feet from her, Killjoy throws a small, wooden talisman at his chest. "
"Madera Maxima!" Killjoy commands.

Suddenly every scrap of wood littering the alley begins to fly through the air, encapsulating the werewolf, completely trapping him in a four-walled dog house.

The second werewolf, having been distracted by the extraordinary event, turns his head around to see his fellow werewolf trapped in wood, but before he has an opportunity to turn back around and see what Killjoy is doing, she is already in front of him. Before he can react, she slaps a strange metal device onto his face. The sudden attack and force causes the werewolf to fall to the ground with a sickening thud. The werewolf tries to get the device off of his face but every time he claws at it or scratches it, the device contorts and snaps into place, causing it to become a more elaborate muzzle, forcing his enormous jaw shut. In spite of this, he continues to fiddle with the device, which makes his situation worse and worse.

Killjoy, satisfied with her work, displays a smile but only for a second. The third werewolf is in mid-flight and seconds away from pouncing on her. She does not have time for spells or tricks and quickly shoulder rolls out of the way to avoid the werewolf s claws by mere inches. The werewolf approaches with his mouth wide open. Killjoy quickly grabs the change purse from the ground and throws it directly into the werewolf's mouth with enough speed and precision to propel it down the unwilling werewolf's throat. He is only perturbed by the occurrence for a moment. He shakes it off and gets ready to attack again, when he is suddenly stopped by a loud gastrointestinal sound coming from his stomach. He howls in pain and drops to the ground while holding onto his midsection.

Veil and the black and white cat watch in shock as the werewolf is forcefully morphed back into his human form and green flames shoot out of his stomach. Soon the green fire consumes his body leaving nothing but ash.

Veil stares in disbelief as he enquires, " "What What was in that purse?"

"Ten silver coins,"` Killjoy answers.

"You half-blood bitch!" Veil angrily exclaims as he morphs into his werewolf form, which is twice the size of his subordinates and far grizzlier by comparison. He runs at Killjoy with all the speed he can muster and fully intending to tear her to shreds.

Killjoy effortlessly takes a side step and lets him run past her via his own momentum. She quickly pulls her pocket-watch out of her vest and wraps the chain around Veil's neck like a dog's leash. The chain magically expands about five feet beyond its normal length, until Killjoy gives it a firm tug. Veil is suddenly jerked back by his neck and hits the ground hard; in the process, he nearly cracks the back of his head on the pavement.

"Sit, Boo-Boo. Sit!" Killjoy says in a brassy tone, without losing grip of the chain.

Smoke begins emanating from the chain around Veil'g S neck as he changes back to human form.
"Just in case you were wondering, that chain is also made of out of silver.

"You stupid – "

Killjoy pulls on the chain, cutting his words short. "'God, I wish I had my phone right now. I would love to send the rest of your clan a picture of me taking you out for walkies.”

Veil tries to talk but the chain around his neck prevents him from doing so.

"Now, Veil-take your last two pups and go back to your turf and stay there. I officially pronounce this black and white cat as my familiar. So, if I ever catch you messing with it again, I'1l put ten silver coins inside you. And when I do, I promise I will use the rear exit... If you know what I mean."

Veil's eyes widen as he knows exactly what she means.

With this, Killjoy releases him and Veil pathetically falls to the ground. She turns around and goes to check on the cat.

Once she does, Veil, furious beyond reason, goes to attack her once more "Die, you half-breed wench”

With a slight gesture, Killjoy makes the broom fly into her hand. A second later, a bright green flash and a very loud bang can be heard throughout the city. Veil flies out of the alley, and slams into a parked car which heavily dents the entire side of the vehicle.

Killjoy is standing in the entrance of the alleyway, holding her broom like a shot gun. "Bang," she says with a satisfied jerk of her head.

With a simple hand gesture, Killjoy frees the two trapped werewolves. They pathetically stumble out of the alley to help Veil back on his feet, and they run away together.

After they leave, Killjoy walks back into the alley Once she gets close to the cat, she reaches into her vest pocket and procures her pocket-watch, which magically becomes a magnifying glass that she uses to examine the feline. "Now, what's so special about you Salem? Do you poop gold nuggets? ' Cause if that's the case, I'm buying a litter box tonight!"

At that moment, the black and white cat responds in a deep velvety voice that doesn't quite match his small frame. "Hey Lady, you gots any tuna oveh deh?"

Killjoy looks at the creature with her mouth agape. ""Oh, this officially got really interesting!"

She quickly procures a business card from her coat pocket and holds it in front of the cat's face, as she introduces herself. "Kassandra Killjoy, Paranormal Private-Eye at your service.”

The cat just stares at her blankly.

"What' S your name?" Killjoy further enquires, but the cat just sniffs the business card, completely ignoring her query. "Hey Lady, these am not tunas."

Killjoy takes an exasperated breath, but suddenly notices the name tag hanging from the cat's Hime. Killjoy raises her eyebrows at the collar: it reads peculiar appellation.

“Well, that's a unique name. So, Hime, what was so urgent that was worth nearly getting eaten by werewolves?"

As she says this she notices a USB drive hanging from Hime's collar, right behind his name tag. Killjoy carefully removes the drive from the collar and looks at it through her magnifying glass.

"That for you, lady," Hime clarifies. "You take that and give me the tunas."

"`Well, Hime, I have to hand it to you: you are consistent.'

Killjoy looks at the USB drive with an extreme amount of interest.

If anything is jumbled let me know. Again I used a built in app on my phone to convert from paper pages to digital text.

[pibbs]

sulk within shadows

The fuck does that mean? Did he actually mean "skulk? What a fucking idiot.

And no one will be there to witness the four prominent men in pursuit of the feline, who get closer and closer with every stride they take.
The four men are gaining on the black and white cat as it starts to lose its stride.

Terrible writing.

The cat ... lets out a bellow.

Bellows. The cat bellows. Picture that in your head. A cat bellowing.

Kanis Veil

Because it's a werewolf. Ok. I'll give him credit. That's clever for a kid's book.

Kassandra Killjoy stands atop the structure, majestic and confident

And she's fucking strong and independent!

"Or else I'm going to have to take all of you to obedience school. Like good little doggies."

"Now, are you boys gonna scat? Or do I have to get a rolled up newspaper?"

This fucking dialog.

,she leaps forward in the air and lands perfectly balanced in a kneeling position on the concrete ground

You consume too much cape shit, pee-R.

a stereotypical 1940's detective suit

Ernest Cline-esque, because describing things is hard.

"Oh, I don't need this to beat you." And with that, Killy lets go of the broom.

And with that? The fuck kind of writing is that? How did this get past an editor? I know there is one, because peeRod didn't spell "colours" like that. That was a British editor.

Killjoy pulls out an antique change purse from the pocket of her vest. She dramatically drops the purse on the ground. The change purse

Say purse, one more mother-fucking time in that sentence, pee-R.

hits the concrete floor with so much force that coins can be heard rolling inside it and the sound sends a cautionary echo throughout the alley.

What the fuck is a "cautionary echo?" And why would a bag of coins be threatening? Stupid.

Gawd. This fucking sentence.

Veil and his men are noticeably annoyed by Killjoy's display of bravado, but remain stoic.

But it gets worse.

They begin to morph quickly and painlessly as Killjoy watches on. Their mouths gape and their eyes widen and flash red; their clothing begins to rip as their muscles grow larger; their bodies grow hairy and their statures increase to five times their human size

Holy run-on sentences, batman!

Killjoy, however, remains still and confident

She's confident, guise! Even in a symbolic display of what I fear about toxic masculinity.

Suddenly every scrap of wood littering the alley begins to fly through the air

An alleyway full of scrap wood? Why? Is this in a fucking third-world like Puerto Rico?

The werewolf tries to get the device off of his face but every time he claws at it or scratches it, the device contorts and snaps into place, causing it to become a more elaborate muzzle, forcing his enormous jaw shut.

"A more elaborate muzzle?" The fuck is he trying to describe here?

he is suddenly stopped by a loud gastrointestinal sound coming from his stomach.

That word is so unnecessarily off-putting in this prose about a witch fighting a werewolf. Gastrointestinal. Fuck.

Veil is suddenly jerked back by his neck and hits the ground hard; in the process, he nearly cracks the back of his head on the pavement.

"Sit, Boo-Boo. Sit!" Killjoy says in a brassy tone, without losing grip of the chain.

Patriarchy defeated!

me taking you out for walkies

Americans don't say "walkies" BTW.

"Hey Lady, these am not tunas."

Fuck me. He gave the cat a "i haz cheezburger" voice. Fuck you, pee-R.

[pibbs]

Wait. Black and white cat? Where have I seen one of those lately?

OH FOR FUCK"S SAKE, peeROD! Just send her a dick pic, why don't you? It would be less embarrassing.

Is... Killjoy supposed to be PUR???

[RAPEMAN]

The wind of Obscure City can cut most people like a knife

I fixed your first fucking sentence. Does the wind actualy wield a knife?

[RedLine]

Yea, did he seriously fuck up the first line?