NCunt: Black Cocks Only

[Guest]

I can't be assed to quote it but there's a bit a few pages back where she lists some doctors or something and they're named like Harris or Natalie and are those all breadtuber names? I only recognize Harris as child molester hbomberguy and "Natalie" as 42%er Contrapoints. I'm not sure but I just know ex-CA would do something as hacky as that. This'll look good when they publicly turn on eachother.

[pibbs]

The names are:
Harris, Shaun, Stevie, Dan-O, David, Joel, Sarah, Maria, and Dr. Sevsk Ghasabian

[Guest]

I know Shaun is a breadtuber because MovieBlob was whining about being blocked by him

[Poonoo]

Then a dumb sentence...

When she reached it, prepared to break into the van in unorthodox ways...

Unorthodox ways? Like through the tailpipe? Breaking a window isn't unorthodox FOR SOMEONE BREAKING INTO A CAR!!! You should look up words that you don't fully understand, sweety.

If she had an actual editor they would have told her to change shit like this. It's like Lucas with his weird dialogue, if someone reigns him in it isn't that bad and so far the story she is trying to tell is generic sci fi alien conspiracy shit but it's the first draft that hasn't been proof read.

But you can't question her because vagina.

[rabidtictac]

The names are:
Harris, Shaun, Stevie, Dan-O, David, Joel, Sarah, Maria, and Dr. Sevsk Ghasabian

Harris is hbomb
Shaun is Shaun and Jen
Stevie is Steve Shives
Dan-O I don't know
David don't know
Joel probably came from Last of Us
Maria don't know
Dr. Sevsk Ghasabian is the only name that sounds high-effort, so maybe she knows someone with that name

An editor would have a fucking field day with her shitty, hack writing.

I think if anything publishers want shorter books. If you look at the airport novels people read these days it's usually about 200-300 pages, and that's with the large print that's like ten lines a page. How long is this book? A half competent editor probably could have cut a third out of this book

It has never been popular for writers to be wordy cunts. The greatest novels are written very succinctly. Their content and prose/poetry are what make them great. The Iliad. Three Kingdoms. Monkey. The Odyssey. Beowulf. But comparing Hotdog Girl to the greats is unfair. Her writing is bad compared to fanfiction.net levels of """talent.""" I realize writing is (((hard))), and that I write very casually here, but a good rule of thumb for the first round of editing is to go back through your draft and remove redundancies. Since I can see that was not done here, I can conclude this is still a draft-quality paper. And a poor draft, at that.

Her writing would receive a poor or middling grade if turned in as a homework assignment in Community College.

[Poonoo]

but a good rule of thumb for the first round of editing is to go back through your draft and remove redundancies.

Pretty sure I either learned that in high school or just after it. If your sentence can be shorter, make it shorter. There are some things you need to repeat a few times so the audience doesn't forget something but it's usually a small detail and not summarising the fucking plot like a TV show.

[rabidtictac]

I'm not lying when I say that level of prose would not be acceptable in a community college writing course. The professor would say it nicely (maybe,) but her paper would have red ink marks all over it. Mostly lines through the redundancies.

The most obvious thing to do would be to turn herself in right here and now, but then she traced that possibility to its logical conclusion; she’d beg sanctuary from the security guard, then from the police, then she would fall right into the hands of the feds, another pawn in their epic war against Nils. At best, she’d have no memory of any of this; at worst, her whole family would have their brains scrambled. And if they took her mother and siblings away for practically nothing, what would they do to her? That thought alone made her tempted to just ride this out.

The semicolon is the enemy of writers everywhere. Look at how fucking long this abomination is. One could easily split it into 3 sentences.

The most obvious thing to do would be to turn herself in right now. Dumb Cunt traced that possibility to its logical conclusion. If she begged sanctuary from the security guard or the police, then she would fall into the hands of the feds. Dumb Cunt would become another pawn in their epic war against Nils. At best, they would erase her memory. At worst, her whole family would have their brains scrambled. And (editor note: DO NOT EVER BEGIN SENTENCES WITH "and" IN A FUCKING NOVEL, YOU DUMB BIIIITCH) If they had taken her mother and siblings away for practically nothing, what would they do to her?

Dumb Cunt = placeholder for whatever her mary sue's name is.

I tried to fix it. Too many pronouns. You should alternate with specific nouns if possible to do so elegantly. Do not begin a sentence with "and" ever. I do it on here because I'm a lazy cunt, but this is a forum and not the great american novel. I removed the last sentence because she's whining about her feefees and there must be some better way to construct that sentence, but I don't know what it is. So fuck it. The reader doesn't need to hear what dumb cunt feels. Most of her sentences are run-ons. Fuck semicolons. A semicolon is a sign of laziness. Hack writers learn about semicolons as an excuse to never practice alternate (better-sounding) sentence construction. I changed the tense at the end because I think she was referring to a past event. Not sure.

I'm not some kind of amazing writer. These edits are very basic. Yes, some writers can break the rules. But you have to know what the rules are and why they exist before you break them. Essay writing can be laughable in its own way, but it gives you a point to start from. The most important lesson any writer can learn is to not waste the reader's time with your self-indulgent bullshit. YOU (the writer) are irrelevant to the fucking story. YOU do not matter. Make the story easy to read so that more people can read it. Reduce visual clutter on the page so your story is easier to grasp. Get to your fucking point. Stop trying to impress people with obscure punctuation, big words and flowery descriptions (if they do not serve the narrative.) And for god's sake, don't use an author insert.

[MegaNigger]

It's funny, if this book were written by an unknown or nice person it would've been edited and redone, and overall I bet the author could've learned a lot and improved.

However, it's Lindsy Ellis, an unlikable turbo cunt with a widening waist, a worthless degree, and no life skills. Everyone knows who she is and what she's about. She's the Hillary Clinton of INs.

[Liar Revealed]

Dan-O I don't know

Isn't that Foldable Pedo?

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

I wonder if the aliens will turn out to have a weakness against sausages

However, it's Lindsy Ellis, an unlikable turbo cunt with a widening waist, a worthless degree, and no life skills. Everyone knows who she is and what she's about. She's the Hillary Clinton of INs.

Plus she opened a vulnerable flank to he harsh, uncaring world of book reviews