NCunt: Black Cocks Only

[pibbs]

I think she thinks her audience is stupid and repeats what will be important later.

[Cuckara]

Could also be intentional padding. Maybe she really wanted to hit a certain amount of pages, so she shoved in as much unnecessary recap as possible. However, I have no idea why she would do this. Are publishers more likely to accept your book if it's a certain number of pages long?

[pibbs]

Yes, but there's a lot of wiggle room. I honestly believe she's just a poor writer and not confident in her writing to convey the ideas she deems important. So she hammers it in.

[Guest]

I think if anything publishers want shorter books. If you look at the airport novels people read these days it's usually about 200-300 pages, and that's with the large print that's like ten lines a page. How long is this book? A half competent editor probably could have cut a third out of this book

[pibbs]

How long is this book?

384 pages

[Guest]

384 pages

Fuck me

[pibbs]

Axiom's End by HotDog Girl
Part Two: Billions of Flesh-Eating Aliens
Chapter 9: Invasion of the Bawdy Snatchers
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

*A side note: I'm giving the chapters snarky titles, but the “Billions of Flesh-Eating Aliens” is the actual title she gave this section.

Each of these parts begins with a fake article. Probably to fill in the holes of her weak narrative.

SpoilerShow

Mountain View, California
September 24, 2007
NASDAQ: 2,241.05
Dow Jones Industrial Average: 11,572.16

Little attention has been paid to one of the more significant implications presented in the Fremda Memo, which is the suggestion that, despite the fact that these ETIs are ostensibly alive, there has been no successful attempt at communication. This raises a multitude of questions wholly separate from issues of government transparency, some technological, some ethical, some philosophical. They do not respond to our attempts to communicate, despite the fact that the greatest minds that have succeeded in slipping through the filter of government clearance have been trying to get them to respond for decades. Why?
I find the explanation that we are unable to fathom any intelligence advanced enough to develop interstellar travel reductive and inadequate. If I can teach my dog to high-five, an alien smart enough to travel hundreds if not thousands of light-years can at least bang out five notes on a Casio. This barest minimum should be possible if there were curiosity or intent on the part of the ETIs, if there were a desire to communicate, but there appears to be none. And if that is the case, why? It’s an exercise in futility to speculate, of course, but it does open the door for some civilization-wide self-reflection on our part.
If these ETIs really do exist, most of us would have to admit that they have terrible timing. Humanity is fractured, bellicose, paranoid. It’s the cosmological equivalent of having a guest come to the door when you’re in the middle of a knock-down, drag-out fight with your spouse, there are lines of coke on the coffee table, and your pants are down around your ankles. It isn’t the failure to communicate that fascinates me; it’s the implication that these ETIs appear to have no interest in communication at all. And we humans, vain, egotistical creatures that we are, can’t help but take that a little personally.
It may well be that, regardless of why these ETIs are allowing themselves to be held in federal custody, they are well aware that at this stage in our development, we are not yet ready for First Contact. If that is the case, we can probably assume that our guests will not start talking to us anytime soon.
And if that is the case, there is probably a good reason.

Mazandarani, Kaveh. “Is Humanity Ready for First Contact?” The New Yorker. October 15, 2007.

Anyway, on to our “story”. I'm going to sum this up. Cora is at Google headquarters, Googleplex, being controlled by the alien.

“You’re not even on the right floor, I think,” said the man. He had soft brown eyes and dark skin. She tried to wiggle her pinkie and succeeded.
“Speak: Which floor?”
Please, man who is probably not an alien, help me.
Cora spied a bag of peanuts on a desk nearby

She tries to fight it with the power of peanuts.

“Speak: How does one travel to the basement?”
Peanut. She tried to say only one word that was hers. Peanut, peanut, peanut!
“How does one travel to the peanut?”
Now Cora felt adrenaline begin to bubble in her blood. Success. She was breaking out of the spell.
“I’m sorry?” he said.
“How does one travel to the basement?”

So, the alien is trying to control her, but has a poor grasp on human behaviour blah, blah, blah. And then we get this nice little descriptive:

She was still in that too-short chiffon tiered maxi dress. She wasn’t even wearing a bra. She could smell herself, a funk resultant of god-knows-how-many days without bathing. Without washing her hair for who knows how long, it must have looked like two flavors of ice cream melted together.
Cracks in this alien’s plan, whatever it was, were beginning to show.

ET wants her to go to the basement. So she tries to go to the basement. A LOT of words are used to describe Cora's thought processes here. I'm only giving one example of this.

The most obvious thing to do would be to turn herself in right here and now, but then she traced that possibility to its logical conclusion; she’d beg sanctuary from the security guard, then from the police, then she would fall right into the hands of the feds, another pawn in their epic war against Nils. At best, she’d have no memory of any of this; at worst, her whole family would have their brains scrambled. And if they took her mother and siblings away for practically nothing, what would they do to her? That thought alone made her tempted to just ride this out.

That right there is the crux of this fucking novel. Cora's thoughts and fee fees. It's why it has taken 8 chapters just to make first contact. Lindsay writes like a self-absorbed girl, which she is. This ibook reads like “Twilight” but with aliens, and I wouldn't be that surprised if Cora eventually falls in love with it. That is the most simplistic, cliche, retarded plot I can think of and it is fitting for level of story telling that I'm reading here.

Here's more of this shit. Remember, Cora is standing in front of a security guard asking where's the basement, and sounding like a retard.

But on the other hand, was it any wiser to throw herself on the possible mercy of the alien, a creature that, for all she knew, was the first of a swarm of superbeings bent on world domination? In any circumstance... and on and on and on.

And that's the chapter. I'm not kidding. An entire chapter of this asinine stream of consciousness, until we finally get to a sentence with substance.

Cora steeled herself, took a deep breath, and said, “There’s a bomb in the building.”

END CHAPTER, I'm not kidding.
Fuck this book.

[pibbs]

Why am I posting in two threads? This one is the discussion thread. The other one, is just the review that I hope will get Lindsay and her mob's attention. Plus the repetition will hopefully get us higher in the Google search rank when people search for her book.

In short, it's for the lawls.

[pibbs]

Axiom's End by HotDog Girl
Chapter 10: The Weight Escape
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

We start chapter ten off with a little racism.

“Tell me where you heard this again?” demanded Finch, sitting Cora down on a metal chair.
“I heard it in the hallway just before you showed up,” Cora improvised.
“From whom?”
“These, uh … guys with accents.” She could not stop herself from wincing at her own bad lie.
“What kind of accents?” asked Finch.
“Indian?”
“This is Silicon Valley,” he said. “You just described half the workforce.”

Shame, shame, Lindsay. That's very unwoke of you. Report to your nearest reeducation center.

Anyway, there are no real consequences for faking a bomb threat because...

“So at present, you are the third person to walk in today, looking all dazed and confused and disoriented, with the apparent intention of breaking into our private servers to steal encrypted information about where the government is hiding aliens.”

She's interrogated by a security guard, and we learn, she was knocked out for two whole days. She begs them not to call the police, and he leaves her in the room by herself. No mention if the security guard is put off by the spoiled milk smell of an unwashed, obese, Cora. She discovers she still has her batphone – worst security ever – but the battery is dead. She attempts to escape through the ceiling tiles when...

Then, from nowhere and everywhere, a flash of light.
It felt like it originated from inside her own eyeballs, like her retinas had caught fire.

The power is out! Cora decides to get the hell out of Dodge. No one is more surprised than me than me that 1.) She didn't repeat the entire book to security just now, 2.) we're not spending at least half the chapter exploring in detail the thoughts and fee-fees of our hero.
Instead up through the ceiling, and over to an empty conference room, (probably the one peeRod shot his anniversary.) It's insulting how stupid Lindsay thinks Google's security would be. But writing is hard, and thinking up original plot points is harder.
Unmolested she's down the stairs, out the door, across the parking lot (this chick sure is spry for a fatty that hasn't eaten in two days) and into a parking garage.
Cars have stopped working BTW. Big coincidence in 3, 2, 1...

Then, she spotted it on the other end of the garage. That awful, ugly white van that had driven them to San José, the only van she’d ever seen with a patch of rust on the side that looked like a fish.
The murdervan.

Then a dumb sentence...

When she reached it, prepared to break into the van in unorthodox ways...

Unorthodox ways? Like through the tailpipe? Breaking a window isn't unorthodox FOR SOMEONE BREAKING INTO A CAR!!! You should look up words that you don't fully understand, sweety.

The door is already unlocked.

The creature was crumpled on the floor of the van.

End Chapter

We are now 25% through the book.

[Complicity]

We start chapter ten off with a little racism.

I'm expecting her inner TERF to come out before the end.

*A side note: I'm giving the chapters snarky titles

Why wouldn't i have been the least bit surprised if those were actual titles?