NCunt: Black Cocks Only

[Le Redditeur]

Definitely it needs to be saved in a separate thread for easy referencing in the future, but it also definitely has to be kept here right now because it pisses Lindsay "The Black Baby Exterminator" Ellis so much.

[pibbs]

Axiom's End by HotDog Girl
Chapter 5: Thor:RagnaBARK
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

Opening sentence.

Monster Truck was awake and alert by the time Cora regained consciousness, snorting bravely in pug.

What's brave about this snorting? This dog was cowering with the rest of the family just a page before. What does snorting bravely sound like? And why all the snorting? Find a new sound, Lindsay.

Anyway, the family, including the dog (no word on poor Thor yet) all collapsed together. (Trope #162) Probably in slow motion. I don't know. Fuck this book.

Ah, now we spend a page and a half talking about Thor's absence. Where's Thor? Thor's not barking. We should go look for Thor. Our feelings about Thor. Oh, and the phone's not working. (Trope #275)

Then this lovely dumb sentence:

At that moment, she was more concerned with her dog’s well-being than the broad, sweeping philosophical implications of the existence of extraterrestrial life, or the even more profound implication of Nils’s lifework and reason for abandoning his family in the first place being completely validated.

Back on daddeh again.

Cora slips out, and ET is gone. Door is open.

throwing on her old, peach-colored Disneyland hoodie and grabbing her cell phone

Fucking hell, Lindsay. We get it, you like Disneyland.

No Thor. Poor doggie.

What hideous lies movies peddle, she thought, the idea that dogs survive home invasions.

Is this a dig at Doge's “Independence Day” review where he tried to force meme the dog surviving? “Boomer lives!”

Look at this lovely example how Lindsay builds tension then immediately deflates it.

The thought filled the pit of her stomach with ice. She didn’t accept that yet—if the creature had killed her dog, there would be a body or at least a dog-sized pile of ash. No, that was a thought she could not entertain. Olive would never forgive her for that. After a few more minutes and another block scoured, she turned another corner.
There was Thor, sniffing something in one of the rich neighbors’ corner yards.

Detective Mary Sue finds a clue.

...she saw what the dog was sniffing.
It looked like part of a footprint.
She shook her head, thinking her mind was seeing what she thought an alien footprint might look like. It looked like a bird’s footprint, if the bird weighed three hundred pounds and only walked on its toes.

BIG BIRD, get your drunk ass back to Sesame Street!

It had a texture to it, upon examination, like creases, joints leaving their imprint in the sand.

Yes. Hence the term footprint.

Velma here follows the footprints but sent Scooby home.

...she caught the distant blues and reds of police lights about to round the corner toward her. On instinct, she ducked into a yard, slipping through an unlocked gate and hiding behind the brick wall

Why? No, really, WHY?!

The po-po go to her house. Mary Sue worries about paw-paw's letter with the return address in Germany.

A string of cold wire wrapped around her stomach and squeezed;

What a weird metaphor.

what if they found that returned letter to Nils in the mailbox? Forget alien home invasions; what would they do if they had found out she’d lied about Nils never contacting her?

Here's another example of setting up a scene with tension to only immediately undercut it. Writing is hard!

She flipped out her cell phone and called her mother’s phone—straight to voice mail. “Shit,” she hissed, dialing the landline. Also out of service. “Shit, shit, shit!”
It took another three tries on her mother’s cell before it stopped going to voice mail and actually rang. Her mother picked up almost immediately.

Mom tells her to come home. Then tells her to stay put. Black SUVs!! Something's happening at the house. We don't know, and I don't care. Cora runs off into a marsh. In L.A. I'll have to defer to Lindsay expertise of the geography of Los Angelos, because that seems stupid to me.
Now a helicopter. Oh no!
They don't want witnesses? Will they make poor Cora disappear? We don't know, Cora runs off anyway. Because one thing we know from the flannel and Pink Floyd teeshirt Man in Black, these are some cold-hearted, killer bastards. ACTUAL LEE that wasn't established. Not even a little.
She calls mommy again. After 2/3rds of a page from talking to her before.
Aaaand trope #25

“Good,” Demi replied. Then she was silent, as though on the other end of the line there were some maniac with a gun to her head. Then Demi whispered, “Run.”
Cora froze, unsure whether she had heard her mother correctly, then threw her phone into the marsh, stumbling back into the brush, powering through the long, tall grass.

I just found the funniest sentence so far.

She started back toward the direction of the Circuit City, or at least what she thought was the direction of the Circuit City, before she stumbled into the marsh part of the marsh.

The marsh part of the marsh! Next to the woody part of the woods! HAHAHAHA! She should have cut through the parking lot part of the parking lot! HAHAHA! What a dope! How did this get past an editor?

Then she gets George Floyded into the marsh. No seriously.

She struggled to free herself from the mud and had only just made it back onto solid ground before an unseen force pushed her back into the muck, flat on her face... She convulsed as though electricity were flowing through her, turning her nerves into jelly. She felt a deep pressure on her neck as though something were trying to burrow in between her vertebrae. Her brain demanded that her voice produce some noise, any noise, but her body wouldn’t obey.

And that's how the chapter ends.

[Complicity]

"The marsh part of the marsh".....
I couldn't make that shit up even if i tried very hard.
I doubt you will find such ineptitude even in 50 shades of big black cock.
I was expecting the book to be trash, but this is seriously on par with Sonichu and Lightbringer.
And this person was a Hugo finalist.

[pibbs]

Axiom's End by HotDog Girl
Chapter 6: Bard to the Future
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

Fellow DHIers. I want you to try and picture this opening paragraph in your mind. And then set the “Chicken Dance” music to it.

Cora’s eyes shot open, and she released the scream she’d been trying to produce. She clapped her hand over her mouth and shot to her knees, breathing hungrily. She’d blacked out, but only for a few seconds, perhaps. She slapped her hand on the back of her neck where she’d felt the pressure... She coughed in horror, scanning the marsh to look for where the thing had gone, seeing nothing... She stood up, choking on her own ragged breathing as she rose, her legs wobbling... She smacked the back of her neck, now unable to shake the idea that the thing had laid eggs in it.

Cora again does stuff without really doing anything.

Between the flowing lavender pajamas, the Disneyland hoodie, and the filth, she couldn’t have been more conspicuous if she had been wearing clown makeup.

“Or coming home at 4am,” as Lindsay would call it.

She wanted to run back into the arms of the Men in Black, screaming that an alien had just injected her with something and she’d give up just about any measure of civil liberties if they would please get it out.

Why is Lindsay sharing details about her abortion? Read it again.

Anyway, Cora, still in the marsh part of the marsh, calls her Aunty, and recaps the crap WE JUST READ IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER, yet again. The Aunt sends her friend Bard in a white van to pick her up. She must go to the Denny's to wait.

And then this dumb sentence.

“So when I see Bard’s murdervan coming around the bend, my prince has come for me.”

Bard picks her up AND THEY REHASH THE SHIT THAT HAPPENED IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER!!!! FUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!!

I guess this is important. Or it's not. I don't know. It's the only new thing in this chapter.

“Why are you all going to San José?”
“To lie low.”
“Why?” she asked. “Why now?”
“Because everyone at ROSA was laid off yesterday, and some of our colleagues never came home last night,” he said. “That’s why.”
By this point, she hadn’t yet been able to process the now-obvious fact that Luciana and her former coworkers had everything to do with the Fremda Memo.

End of Chapter.

[Oengae]

There's another line further in that's just as bad "The corpse remained corpselike". This is a book that had an actual editor, was probably read over by her breadtube/vlog friends (John or Hank Green is given a shoutout in the acknowledgments and some breadtuber does part of the audiobook) and no one said anything about how dumb these sentences come off.

Sad thing is she'll get a Hugo for this anyways because she knows the right dicks to suck.

[Guest]

It just reads like a bad Nostalgia Chick skit. It's amusing to see that for all her posturing that's pretty much her level

[pibbs]

Guys, I can let you in on a not-so-secret trade secret. Publishers these days want authors with some sort of online following. Lindsay has it. She didn't get this deal because of talent she got it because of her almost 1,000,000 subscribers. It's an easy sell for the publisher. If only 1% buys a book at $25, then that's an easy $250,000 with little or no promotion to pay for, because Lindsay will whore herself to get her own paypigs for them. Win-win

[Guest]

Its a shame that shell never accept that she sucks. I know that's typical IN behavior but that's also typical woman behavior and Lindy can't help but stumble into stereotypes just like when she stumbled out of that nice policeman's car.

[Guest]

Its a shame that shell never accept that she sucks.

Oh I think she's accepted it pretty well. That's how she's gotten to where she is. By sucking.

[Dehbashi]

Anyway, Cora, still in the marsh part of the marsh, calls her Aunty, and recaps the crap WE JUST READ IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER, yet again. The Aunt sends her friend Bard in a white van to pick her up. She must go to the Denny's to wait.

Hold on Pibbs. In the last chapter, she threw her phone away into the marsh.

Cora froze, unsure whether she had heard her mother correctly, then threw her phone into the marsh, stumbling back into the brush, powering through the long, tall grass.

[/quote]

Did she pick up the phone again or called her aunt somewhere else? I want to make sure she didn't write a plot hole in the book.